1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
6 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
7 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
8 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
10 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
11 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
12 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, But she left me before we met.
13 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
15 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
16 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
17 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
18 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
19 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
20 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
21 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
22 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
24 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
25 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
26 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
27 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
28 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
29 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
30 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
31 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
32 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
33 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
34 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
35 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.