Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

Posted in Houston, Dallas, and Austin Forums...

Please forgive me in advance for venting and for pouring my heart out to all of you strangers in ECCIE land - but I have absolutely no one else to talk to about this. I'm basically in tears as I write this - so if you have no stomach for a weeping man you should stop reading now.

I was long-term lurker on ASPD with perhaps 10 posts over about 10 years. I've hobbied off and on during that time. During that time I justified my hobbying as a way to stay with my wife and kids and still have some form of intimacy and physical contact with women. Sex was (and still is) completely gone from my marriage. My marriage is actually without hugs and kisses. My wife and I don't have ANY physical contact.

My heart and soul is dying due to the absence of any form of physical or emotional intimacy. We are two people with two daughters and a house that just relate to each other about logistics, housekeeping, and who will pick up the girls.

I've thought about divorce (many times) and typically conclude that it would cost more emotionally and financially to do that then to just accept the sexless marriage and spend far less on the hobby.

I've tried all kinds of appeals and suggestions to my wife about increasing our sex and physical intimacy (like kissing for Christ's sake!) without success.

In the past I've have really fun hobby experiences but of late even hobby get together's have been less than stellar (no bell). I feel that somehow I'm not able (any longer) to fool myself into believing that "hobby-fun" is enough. I think I can't cum with a hot provider because I'm sad that my wife does not want to touch me.

I'm at my wits end. I really want to tell her that I've seen providers in the hopes of shocking her into believing that I will destroy the marriage over this issue.

What the hell should I do?

Provider and guy responses welcome. Please be gentle...

It's a difficult situation. I've been there...done that...have the t-shirt...

My nickel's worth of free advice...

DO NOT play the hobby card in your discussions with your spouse. There must be dialogue but begin the discussion by saying that you love her & desire her. BUT, don't say that if you don't REALLY mean it. If you do mean it you will have to crawl over broken glass to restore her faith & trust in you. Anything short of being willing to do that.. pack your things & go without getting into it at all. Don't love you anymore, I'm a dick you can have it all, whatever...say w/e you have to in order to get the f- out regardless of the financial/emotional cost. Best thing for your kids!!!

OTOH, if reconciliation is truly what you seek...

Simply say that you are frustrated by the current state of the relationship & you have gone outside the marriage in search of what you seek. That experience has reinforced how important physical intimacy is for you. Maybe... just maybe... you can buy some good will that you aren't in love with someone else or just more interested in "strange" than her... you just want that kind of closeness with her. Apologize for breaking the marital vow & reiterate that the purpose of those experiences was NOT to hurt or embarrass her. Request counseling to address the issue. For most folk (woman especially) physical intimacy is a manifestation of trust & you have betrayed her trust in you. You will have to work to regain it.

If she won't go to counseling... leave. Quite frankly, you have no other choice. It's best for your kids & best for you in the long run. The relationship is doomed. W/E you had with your spouse is gone & it ain't coming back. If you remain married & in the hobby past this point, you WILL hurt & embarrass her further at some point. Only open question is how & when. If you continue to hobby to fulfill those needs you WILL - sooner or later - embarrass your self and/or make some other poor lady uncomfortable.

First it's not a uncommon as you might think, does your wife have any interest in couples counseling or workshops? What do you really want to do? Even if your wife isn't interested in seeing a mental health professional you should think about it. At this point just having someone to talk to, might help you find a path.

At this point there may not be a path that doesn't cause someone in your life pain and sorrow, perhaps remaining in the situation that you are in might cause the most of all for everyone. Wish there was simple fix, like the perfect session that would make it all better. At some points in life, you just have to decide what is the most import thing or things and act with that in mind.

Had a very close friend stayed in a horrible marriage ten years longer than he should have, for the same reasons. Take out the hobby component and he was just about as unhappy as you are. He got divorced and is in a happy marriage now. Kids are fine and life goes on, sounds colder than I would like when you are feeling this down.

No matter what you do ... do not tell her you have seen providers. I cant see anything good coming out of that. If you feel you must tell her you have been w/ another women I would say it was a civilian.

Best of luck to you.

DONT TELL HER!!! That will not solve any problems only create more. And instead of being ambivalent about you, she may have hatred for you and in the worst case your kids may develop hatred twards you. Find a solution, talk to people, get counseling by yourself, with her, something/anything but DO NOT TELL HER.

My 2 cents

I agree with hou_tx_mm. Do not tell her about any provider or non-provider meetings. At this point nothing good will come from it. You can tell her that you miss the intimacy you once shared with her and you would like to work at getting that back. If she is not receptive or declines counseling, well that goes a long way in pointing you in the direction you may have to go. Its sad, but common now days. Perhaps she does not realize how important the intimacy is for you. Maybe she has a medical reason for not wanting to be close to you. You have to get her to talk about it, if she is willing.

Good Luck to you and don't feel like the lone ranger in this.

I will never understand why people in miserable marriages stay, this does remind me of a joke though.

Why are divorces so expensive?






Because they are worth it.

This is truly a horrible situation to be in and I do not envy you.

That being said, why does your wife refuse you? Is she just not interested in having sex period? Is she not physically attracted to you? I guess what I'm asking is: is there anything you can do to make yourself more appealing to her? Or is she just a prude?

I agree with the others...don't tell her about providers...that won't help. I truly hope your situation improves!

DONT TELL HER!!! That will not solve any problems only create more. And instead of being ambivalent about you, she may have hatred for you and in the worst case your kids may develop hatred twards you. Find a solution, talk to people, get counseling by yourself, with her, something/anything but DO NOT TELL HER.

My 2 cents Originally Posted by hou_tx_mm

+1

Have the both of you seen a marriage counselor? If not, that is my advice.

Dont confess to the hobby!!

Keep hobbying without guilt. If she does not want it, someone else does! Even if for right now it's p4p4. It seems to provide as much stability as possible, the hobby is the way to go.

If she wants to reduce your relationship to freinds/roomates with restrictions, morally, you should be allowed some on the side, hobby or civilian.

You need to address this issue with her. If it's a permanant thing that cant be overcome, you have decisions to make. Do you want to be misreable from here on out??

No Hobby Disclosure! This may result in her clearing out joint accounts, kicking you out, and then suing for sole custody due to moral turpitude.

She and her attorney will use it against you, roll your name in the mud, tell all friends and associates, maybe even take an ad in a local paper. This can come to no good.

Seriously, you can try counseling, but I would not hold my hopes up. Start to put money aside for a rainy day, when you need to speak to a rainmaker, and if you feel you must hang on until your girls are out of the house.

If you are having problems now coming to orgasm on P4P, I am guessing that perhaps you should focus on yourself in therapy. You are between a rock and a hard place. Could be your wife has some hidden reason: depression (people retreat), perhaps hormonal, or maybe the act has become painful for some other reason.

Ask yourself this, was she ever hot to trot, and if so, when did she stop. What were the circumstances? Has she had some sort of experience like being "reborn."

Lastly how does she behave with the girls? Does she show them affection? Is she a cold fish with them also.

If you can no longer enjoy the hobby, keep it to yourself. It can only be used against you.

No kissing and no sex from her... May be she is protecting you... She does not want to pass something to you?

No Hobby Disclosure! This may result in her clearing out joint accounts, kicking you out, and then suing for sole custody due to moral turpitude.

She and her attorney will use it against you, roll your name in the mud, tell all friends and associates, maybe even take an ad in a local paper. This can come to no good.

Seriously, you can try counseling, but I would not hold my hopes up. Start to put money aside for a rainy day, when you need to speak to a rainmaker, and if you feel you must hang on until your girls are out of the house.

If you are having problems now coming to orgasm on P4P, I am guessing that perhaps you should focus on yourself in therapy. You are between a rock and a hard place. Could be your wife has some hidden reason: depression (people retreat), perhaps hormonal, or maybe the act has become painful for some other reason.

Ask yourself this, was she ever hot to trot, and if so, when did she stop. What were the circumstances? Has she had some sort of experience like being "reborn."

Lastly how does she behave with the girls? Does she show them affection? Is she a cold fish with them also.

If you can no longer enjoy the hobby, keep it to yourself. It can only be used against you. Originally Posted by l25_rules

+100

No matter what you do, stay in the loveless marraige or divorce, Do not tell her of your hobbying. Nothing good can come of it, regardless of what you may think. It will be used against you in a divorce. You keep it to yourself. I don't think you want to hurt your daughters, and it will be used against you. (I know I repeated that, but it bears repeating) If you exhaust all resources to save the marriage, then file for divorce. But NEVER tell her.

Sorry this is hard and to the point but, I speak from experience.

No Hobby Disclosure! This may result in her clearing out joint accounts, kicking you out, and then suing for sole custody due to moral turpitude.

She and her attorney will use it against you, roll your name in the mud, tell all friends and associates, maybe even take an ad in a local paper. This can come to no good. Originally Posted by l25_rules

Heed l25! Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law, and elsewhere.

If you are having problems now coming to orgasm on P4P, I am guessing that perhaps you should focus on yourself in therapy. Originally Posted by l25_rules

Perhaps you should pay a visit to AlexisSoftTouch.