Tell me a joke!!!!!!!

Who has a funny joke or a funny story to share with me?

Here you go Kaylen!

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.
After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.
He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!!!"

Lol oh wow

A lady is working the street for the first time and is getting encouragement from her peers. Finally a car pulls up and she hops in; a while later the car drops her with her friends.

"Well, how did it go?" they ask. "He was a big strapping marine," she tells them, "very handsome." "He asked how much and I told him 100 for sex, 50 for a bj and 25 for hj. He only had 25 so I started to give him a hj. I put one hand on it, then the other on top of it, then moved the bottom hand onto the top of that hand, and he still had some left."
"Wow!" the ladies exclaim. "what did you do next?"
"What do you think I did?" she answered, "I loaned him $75."

Guy was stopped by a street walker she told him "I will do anything you can ask in three words for $100." His reply was ----Paint my house.

Two potatoes are standing on a street corner, one is a lady of the night. How do you know which one?

She's the one that says Idaho.

No.2

Mickey Mouse is at his lawyers office wanting to divorce Minny, Lawyer says I don't understand, are you saying she's crazy???

NO! mickey shouts, I said she's fucking Goofy!

A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck.
He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout.
They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had.
After a little rest he thought, if that was that good...."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD!! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didnt inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received.
After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good...."How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."

Man approaches a street walker and asks how much for a quickie.
she replies $300
He says "you got to be putting me on".
That will be a extra $50

A Jewish rabbi, a Muslim imam, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar...the bartender looks at them, and says, "What is this, a fucking joke?"

A travelling salesman is out driving on a lonely country road when his car breaks down. A farmer drives by and offers him a lift. The only tow truck in town is done for the night, so the farmer offers to let him stay the night and call the tow truck the next morning.

So they arrive at the farmhouse and the salesman meets the farmer's wife, who's days of beauty have long since passed her by. They sit down to dinner, and all through dinner the salesman keeps looking around with a puzzled look on his face.

Finally its time for bed, and the farmer leads the salesman to the barn, explaining that there is no room in the house for him to sleep, but he can bed down with the sheep in the barn. The salesman is surprised. "You don't have a spare bedroom?" He asks.

Nope says the farmer. Its a one room house.

Even more puzzled, the salesman replies "But where does your daughter sleep?" The farmer looks at him in surprise and replies that he doesn't have a daughter.

Finally the salesman just shakes his head and starts to walk away. The farmer calls after him, asking where he's going. The salesman throws his arms up in exasperation and yells "I'm leaving! I am clearly in the wrong joke!"

A guy sits down at the bar and orders 19 shots of whiskey. He tells the bartender to line them up in front of him.
Making small talk as he pours the booze, the bartender asks the man if he's celebrating something.
The man shrugs his shoulders and says "First blowjob"
Bartender says "Thats Great! Let me give you one on the house, make it an even 20!"
The man shrugs again. "19, 20 it still won't get that taste out of my mouth!"

I love all the jokes...Very funny!!!!!

Thanks XOXOXO

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2zqNtf3cEw

This series of videos about goverment and NSA stuff is pretty funny. Kinda south park style.

That was pretty funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2zqNtf3cEw

This series of videos about goverment and NSA stuff is pretty funny. Kinda south park style. Originally Posted by royamcr

Love is like a fart
If you have to force it
Its probably shit.