Secret diary of a newbie -- Week 1

Signed up for Eccie last night, and just got my first PM! Girls are coming on to me already!! Pretty excited. I wonder who “Still Looking” is? Man, I hope she’s hot!!

WTF?? “Still Looking” is a guy! He wants me to come to “Newbie Boot Camp” – whatever that is. Says it’s mandatory for new guys on the Austin Board?

The directions take me to a run-down motel off 290, and I find 11 other guys standing in the parking lot. Turns out they’re all here for Newbie Boot Camp, too. We follow the signs to “Newbie Indoctrination” and end up in a dark conference room with four middle-aged dudes standing up front. They have on military fatigues with baseball caps that say “Git-Her-Done” and are all standing at “parade rest”. What the hell is this?

Suddenly, the lights snap on and we’re all blinking.

“GOOD MORNING, LADIES! WELCOME TO NEWBIE BOOT CAMP! I’m Still Looking, and for the next 8 weeks, I will be your senior instructor. YOU WILL CALL ME SIR! Are you Newbies ready to join the Austin Whore Corps? Are you ready to become certified whoremongers? LET ME HEAR IT!”

A murmur of yes’s, uh-huhs and “I guess so’s” rolls across the room.

“BULLSHIT! I can’t hear you! SOUND OFF LIKE YOU’VE GOT A PAIR!! Who here wants to be a full-fledged Man Whore?”

WE DO!! we chorus.

“THAT’S MORE LIKE IT! If you survive the next 8 weeks, if you survive Newbie Boot Camp, you will become a card-carrying Stud Muffin -- a certified Doctor of Dick, and whores will pray for you to come to them in the night! Your wife will think you just earned a black-belt in Tung Fu! Your church will call you to cure lesbians!”

“UNTIL THAT DAY, YOU ARE NEWBS! You are the lowest form of life! You are nothing but disorganized, grab-asstic pieces of amphibian shit! I don’t even want to know your names! My job is to wash out every one of you who doesn’t pack the sack necessary to perform in my beloved Corps!”

“We have the best Board in the country and have the happiest, most satisfied whores in the horniest state in the Union. The whores in Austin get banged so good that we have to force them to take the money! You Newbies are just here to screw that up. I’m going to write 1000 reviews before I die and if you get in my way, I’ll SLAMDANGO your ass! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, NEWBIES??”

SIR, YES SIR!

“I want you to look to your right, and look to your left. IN EIGHT WEEKS, NEITHER OF THOSE SWINGING DICKS WILL BE HERE! One of them will be cruising Rundberg in a van with “FREE CANDY” painted on the side and the other will be getting his willy waxed in some Asian Massage Parlor! WHY? BECAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE THE COJONES TO SURVIVE NEWBIE BOOT CAMP!!”

“Let me introduce my fellow instructors. This depraved-lookin’ SOB here is RockerRick. The guy playing with the dildo is Toyz. And that fat fuck over there is Whispers. We’re here to make sure that each of you can dive into the deep end of the Vagina Triangle and come back to write about it!”

“Over the next 8 weeks, we will teach you EVERYTHING you need to know about the hobby! Acronyms. References. Research. How to avoid hobby disasters and find bargain pussy! How to give it to them straight when you’re fucking, and lie your ass off while you’re writing the review. When we’re done with you, you’ll be able to throw the dick like you’re the Nolan Ryan of snatch!”

Still Looking turns to his fellow instructors. “TOYZ! ROCKERRICK! Give these Newbies a full short-arm inspection!”

Toyz steps to the front and shouts, “ALLRIGHT, MAGGOTS! STAND UP, DROP YOUR PANTS, AND INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.”

“YOU THERE! Why do you want to join my beloved Corps?”

Uh…I guess I want to fuck, Sir?

“YOU WANT TO FUCK?? Do you even know HOW to fuck, newbie? Do you know why your girlfriend doesn’t blink when you’re having sex? SHE DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME! Do you know what you do if a hooker starts smoking during a session? SLOW DOWN AND USE LUBE!”

SIR, YES SIR!

“And you need to manscape, son -- you get a hard-on, and some hooker is going to think that Pinocchio has joined the Taliban!”

“WHO’S NEXT? YOU! You are the ugliest son-of-a-bitch I have seen since I met Whispers! I bet your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory! I bet the last time you were inside a woman was when you went up the Statue of Liberty! The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait!”

I don’t have to take this!

“SAVE YOUR BREATH, SON! You’ll need it to blow up your date tonight. By the time I’m done with you, you’ll think posting in Austin CO-ED is a walk in the park!”

RockerRick jumped the next Newbie. “WHO ARE YOU, BOY? Where you from?”

SIR, LLANO SIR!

“HOLY DOGSHIT! Only steers and queers come from Llano, cowboy -- and you don’t look much like a steer to me! Were you just helping that cow over the fence, or were you dating seriously? SPEAK UP, SON!”

No, Sir. I mean yes, sir. I mean…

“Have you ever tried Rodeo Sex, cowboy? No? That’s when you do the hooker doggie-style and whisper in her ear that you think the condom just broke. Grab a hold and see if you can stay on for the next 8 seconds!”

“Welcome to Austin! In two months, you won’t even remember that you came from Brokeback Mountain.”

“You there – who are you? You look like a goofball! Do you know which sex position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother! I bet you’re so stupid that if you got a rash after banging a whore, you’d think you were allergic to prostitutes! Do you know how to fuck, Goofball?”

SIR, YES SIR!

“Do you know which side of the girl faces up when you fuck, Goofball? You look like you’d greek a TS girl and not even have the god-damned common courtesy to give her a reach-around! Guys like you are why girls turn lesbian. I’ll be watching you!”

“YOU THERE! Jesus Christ! You put the ‘short’ in ‘short arm’! How long is your dick?”

Uh…5 inches, Sir!

“Bullshit! I don’t think they make cocktail franks that long! Are you trying to squeeze an inch in on me? I bet you take your girlfriend fishing just so you can hear her say, “Wow! That’s a big one!” Do you know what they call a woman who loves small dicks, Newbie?”

NO SIR!

“Well, you better hope it’s ‘Your Girlfriend’! I bet you’re like Whispers -- you put a bumper sticker on your car that says: ‘Honk if you have a small penis’ and then you intentionally cut people off in traffic!”

..and so it went as Toyz and RockerRick worked their way through the ranks of us trembling Newbies. I tried to hide in the back, but, ultimately, my turn came.

“And you, here, next in line! Nice manscape, boy. I think I’m going to call you Dapper Dick. You look so pretty I just might let you fuck my sister.”

Thank you, sir. I would be honored to, sir.

“WHAT DID YOU SAY, NEWB??? DID YOU SAY YOU WANT TO FUCK MY SISTER??”

I’m sorry, sir! I just…I mean you said…

“Do you know what is 6 inches long and 2 inches across and makes whores moan?”

Uhh…Your dick, sir?

“NO! A stack of $20 bills! DO YOU HAVE A STACK OF $20 BILLS, NEWBIE?? ‘Cause that’s what you’ll need if you want to fuck my sister!”

One by one, we all got our asses chewed. Finally, Still Looking spoke again.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more pathetic bunch of Man Whore wannabes in my entire life. NONE OF YOU DESERVE TO BE IN MY BELOVED CORPS. You think that because you have $200 and a dick that you are ready to play. WRONG!! Hell, I could give you $200 and my dick and you couldn’t get laid! You better pay attention for the next 8 weeks!”

“Toyz, get these Newbies out of my sight before I book my 300th review with Lorena Bobbitt. Take ‘em out in the parking lot and make ‘em do squat thrusts until they puke!”

Toyz swung the door open. “ALL RIGHT, LADIES! Outside, ON THE DOUBLE!! Time for your first hobby lesson: Let’s see who can get a hard-on while you’re looking at Whispers. That’ll come in handy sooner than you think!”

RockerRick chimed in as we all ran out, “First guy to drill a hole in the parking lot gets to go home early!”

Jesus…maybe I need to find a different hobby…

Full Rubber Jacket

Brill! Well worth missing some sleep

A

Is the special forces training the one where Whispers takes you to an affordable housing parking lot near Texas State and shows you how to effectively creep on "rural" girls with no support system. You know, move a mattress, change a tire, buy her books, take her to Chili's, buy her something fancy at VS (an oxymoron, I know), THEN fuck her for a weekend and slip her $150 before bragging about it on a hooker board? Asking for a friend.

(This is why that journalist bitch got throw'd in front of a train on House of Cards.)

Funny stuff!!

Brill! Well worth missing some sleep

A Originally Posted by Aphrodite

Same.

TFF. Great piece!!! Everyone on this board got a chance to be humbled with humor.

Thank you for this hilarious read.

Xo