"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." -Jackie Mason
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." -Patrick Murray.
"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." -Louis Saffan
"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." -Colin Chapman.
"When you see what some girls marry, you realise how much they must hate to work for a living." -Helen Rowland
What ought to be done to the man who invented the celebrating of anniversaries? Mere killing would be too light." -Mark Twain
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."-Henry Youngman.
The longest sentence you can form with two words is: I do."-HL Mencken
"If you never want to see a man again say, 'I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children'. They leave skid marks." -Rita Rudner
"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations. We're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
-Rodney Dangerfield
"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three." -Billie Holiday.
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."-Groucho
Marx.
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." -Sacha Guitry.
"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."-Steve Martin.
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." -Socrates.
"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet."
-Mae West
"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't." -Spike Milligan.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."-Groucho Marx.