How does one to be a domina/mistress/dominant woman?

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but in the past when I was an escort, I had several clients that requested that I be very dominant, now that I am retired, my husband is actually requesting it of me since he says it would turn him on and actually provide a lot of stress relief.

Sexually I am more submissive, and I also have a tendency to be to nice to people in and out of the bedroom, I feel the the few times in my life when I have been more dominant, it has been very liberating.

So, how one does get into this? Maybe some dominant women can give me some advice...thanks.

I will be very brief on this one.

Real dommes are not made they are born. So no one can teach you how to be dominant. To get into BDSM you will have to find someone to train you. There are lots of dominas that'll be willing to teach you the ropes. It is not something you can read about online.

Good luck

Look for pro dommes in your area. There are some ladies that'll train you for a small fee.

Talk to your husband. Find out exactly what he means when he says he wants you to be dominant. D/s can manifest itself in many ways. If it is difficult for him to voice his desires for fear of seeming less manly, perhaps you could read some femdom stories together and discern which parts excite him.

Whether or not it is something you feel comfortable doing, only you can answer that.

Just my two cents worth, nothing more.

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but in the past when I was an escort, I had several clients that requested that I be very dominant, now that I am retired, my husband is actually requesting it of me since he says it would turn him on and actually provide a lot of stress relief.

Sexually I am more submissive, and I also have a tendency to be to nice to people in and out of the bedroom, I feel the the few times in my life when I have been more dominant, it has been very liberating.

So, how one does get into this? Maybe some dominant women can give me some advice...thanks. Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

If you want to talk terminology there is dominant, and there is top. The difference really comes from the driving force inside of you to do what you do. A dominant typically needs to be the dominant one, and derives pleasure from doing so. A top can do everything a dominant does, but generally their pleasure comes from making their partner happy.

You haven't given enough information to really say much. As it was pointed out, sit down with your husband and have an honest and frank discussion about what he's looking for. Sometimes it may be easier for him to write you a letter or email, saying in writing what he might be too embarrased to say to you in person. Once you know more specifics about what he's looking for, you can then seek out more knowledgeable people.

However, being in lovely CA, you are in luck in that Midori hosts her Forte Femme classes up in SF about twice a year. They are all about helping women find their dominant/top sides for their partners. They are two days long and are for any woman who's interested in learning more.

Don't worry about being too "nice"... dominance <> bitchy whip-wielding woman with a bad attitude. Like everything else it comes in all shapes, sizes and flavors. What's most important is finding what works for you and him. It's also a journey of exploration, so remember to enjoy it!

I think you've gotten some good advice here. I think Kman may haver nailed it closest though - is your hubby wanting a St Andrews session or is he wanting you to be assertive in your intimacy?

You don't need whips chains and training if what your hubby is wanting is you to show him how much you want him. Start there? Then I'd do as Kman says - look around, Cali has an exceptionally rich alt scene. You two (or him)n may be ready for more than vanilla, but maybe y'all aren't ready for exotic chocolate either? Think vanilla....with sprinkles and caramel sauce to start. See if that makes you both hungry for more.

I don't think he is looking for anything all the way hardcore, like us coverting out basement into a dungeon, I think he just wants a little taste of it. He got me a latex corset, some pointy stiletto and a crop/whip, so I am kind of guessing he wants me to go in that direction.

Then get him to write down 10 fantasies on slips of paper and toss them in a jar. When you two are ready, you pull one out and try it out.

If you want to spice things up a bit further, throw a few of your ideas in there, but don't tell him until AFTER you start. That way the surprise will be doubled.

He got me a latex corset, some pointy stiletto Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

I would love to see you in that!

I don't think he is looking for anything all the way hardcore, like us coverting out basement into a dungeon, I think he just wants a little taste of it. He got me a latex corset, some pointy stiletto and a crop/whip, so I am kind of guessing he wants me to go in that direction. Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

Hopefully they're not used. LOL But that could make for a good session (i.e., how dare you get me used clothing! slap, snap).

BTW, has your hiatus from your husband taken a hiatus? No need to answer. Just wondering. And are you now in CA, or still in EUR?

I will be very brief on this one.

Real dommes are not made they are born. So no one can teach you how to be dominant. To get into BDSM you will have to find someone to train you. There are lots of dominas that'll be willing to teach you the ropes. It is not something you can read about online.

Good luck

Look for pro dommes in your area. There are some ladies that'll train you for a small fee. Originally Posted by Naomi4u

I have been naturally inclined to be dominant sexually and i was trained as a dominatrix on various plays in switzerland in a studio. You have to find a niche you like and expand that niche. I am hardly ever submissive with clients. But i like to be dominant. You can learn it but you have to have it inside you as well, because it requires more preparation than the usual plain vanilla services and you have to talk a lot more with clients and know coundaries, fantasies, expand limits and stuff. Some clients are scared to dare to explore their fantasies.

Most of it actually happens in the brain, so if you are not really into it, you loose creativity or you lack the ability to be empathic for a client and his needs. I am an advanced player in needle play, bondage, fisting, enemas, breath regulation and fantasy and role plays of course, and a lot of other things . I hardly ever spank a client, because i find it boring for example. You definetely have to find a niche you are into.

Being submissive with clients can be very dangerous and i would not recommend doing it without a third person present to watch. Professional dominatrixes always and only do such things with a second dominatrix or a mistress to be present. Its safer. There are books written on safety of BDSM plays and you definetely need a teacher. Come to switzerland, i teach you :-)

Hopefully they're not used. LOL But that could make for a good session (i.e., how dare you get me used clothing! slap, snap).

BTW, has your hiatus from your husband taken a hiatus? No need to answer. Just wondering. And are you now in CA, or still in EUR? Originally Posted by charlestudor2005

Hey Charles, all the hiatuses are over, and now back to a SOMEWHAT normal life ( As normal as it gets), we are now back in CA enjoying the sunshine!

I find it intersting that some of the ladies here believe that you need to be born with the dominant gene. I wonder if some of that is coming from how the lifestyle has changed over the last few decades? Today it is definitely much different than just fifty years ago.

It used to be that if you wanted to be a Master, you first had to be a slave. Once you had experienced things as a slave, you were allowed by the community (assuming you wanted to that is) to work up to Master. Now this organization was primairly in the gay male community, but there also wasn't much of an organized female Mistress community. So history and such from that is rather sketchy.

I'm curious as to why one thinks they need to be born a dominant and not learn it like people learn everything else in life? Sure, there are some people who do seem predisposed towards certain things (mathematics, music, empathy), but those people typically are unique individuals, and certainly they do not constitute the majority of the BDSM community.

I think there is a part of me which is dominant, I just have not been able to express it in the bedroom.

As a gift to my husband for Valentine's day, I actually bought him a session with a domme tonight, I am going to go along and maybe learn a thing or two....

for what it is worth, i have been the guinea pig for a few of my friends who have decided to get into BDSM, whether for business or fun, and they have gained experience, guidance and confidence by sessioning with me. Being a switch i have been able to help them along this kinky road. Something to consider possibly.

I

I'm curious as to why one thinks they need to be born a dominant and not learn it like people learn everything else in life? Sure, there are some people who do seem predisposed towards certain things (mathematics, music, empathy), but those people typically are unique individuals, and certainly they do not constitute the majority of the BDSM community. Originally Posted by Krunkman

I agree with the notion that some things can be learned. But i don`t agree that a natural inclination does not have to be present. Its like choosing a job or a university education. Studies have shown that natural inclination can be greatly enhanced, but if you do a job just for the money you lack at it eventually. Mozart was a great piano player and composer but without hard training even his inclinations would have been not noted. Its a combination of both. If you are a rather submissive woman in your life then it might be hard to be dominant. Its a lifestyle too. Plain Vanilla Sex is less demanding. Although the act per se also varies. Some like it hard, some soft. But being a dominatrix requires a broader variety of skills. Its like the intellectual side of sex :-) as opposed to the animalistic instincts.

Plus, pushing needles thru males breasts (and then some) might not really be for the faint of the heart. On this notion i also disagree with the context that you have to be a sub first to experience being a dominatrix. For me being sub is out of the question. I could never have done to myself what i do to my clients. And that does not mean i have less clue about it, because i experienced it not on my own body.