An old golfer came in from a round of golf at a new course and headed into the grill room. As he passed through the swinging doors he saw a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he had enough cash, the old golfer walked up to the bar and beckoned to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who was serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glided down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquired with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leaned over the bar and whispered, "I was wondering, young lady," he said softly, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looked into his eyes with that wide smile and purred: "Yes sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leaned even closer into her left ear and said softly, "Well, wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger."
" Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
A woman is with her new lover. She says to him, "I've been married three times, yet this is the first time I have ever had sex." He asks, "How is that possible?" She replies, "Well my first husband was a sex therapist, so all he did was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist, so all he did was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.....God, I miss him."
_________________
Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."
Off to Vegas
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.
'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.
The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'
- RRCJ
- 01-15-2011, 01:12 PM
- Front Bottom
- 01-15-2011, 01:32 PM
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referees were blowing fowls.
I think this qualifies as a bad joke.
He heard the referees were blowing fowls.
I think this qualifies as a bad joke.
- RRCJ
- 01-16-2011, 05:00 PM
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day, and said, "Harry, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America in 2012 ."
"Great, but how do you propose we go about that, "asked Harry?""Well," Nancy responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America , and we'll show them we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" Nancy answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Harry suggested that we stop and take in some local color."They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.All of a sudden, the bar room door opened and a grizzled old farmer came in. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.Eventually Nancy and Harry could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.
"Tell me," said Nancy , "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?" "Good Lord no," said the bartender.. "It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!"
"Great, but how do you propose we go about that, "asked Harry?""Well," Nancy responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America , and we'll show them we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" Nancy answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Harry suggested that we stop and take in some local color."They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.All of a sudden, the bar room door opened and a grizzled old farmer came in. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.Eventually Nancy and Harry could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.
"Tell me," said Nancy , "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?" "Good Lord no," said the bartender.. "It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!"