Sometimes people ask me if I have children. No, not blessed. They then resort to "do you have pets?" The answer is a little different, no, no pets, but I do have a lot of pet peeves. When it comes to The Hobby, I have many Pet Peeves:
1) I am on-time. I show up at say, 8pm. I text at 7:59, "I am here." I wait, and wait and wait. PET PEEVE #1: Providers who cannot manage the clock. If I show up late, my fault. You don't have your shit together, your fault.
2) Up-Sell. I have agreed to the quoted donation, I have placed it in a plain white envelope on the desk. We are now naked. You, Miss Provider, promised "GFE." That means certain somethings. I suggest, suggest mind you, that I like having your tongue and my body parts make acquaintance. What do you do? "Oh, that will cost more." Talk about a Buzz-Kill. Wrong term. Talk about a penis deflation. I have to get my naked ass up, go to my wallet and give you $100 extra because you think I should pay you for what YOU promised? If I am getting up, I am putting my pants on, cutting my losses, then cutting a fart in your general direction as I leave.
3) You, Missy, being distracted by anything and everything. What? You are really going to look at your CVS receipt to see if they charged you for a candle or not? No, FU.
4) Talky-talk. This is a tactic of some GPS providers, who I am fond of. Okay, you are stellar. I am lucky to be able to JO in your shadow. But do you really have to "get to know me?" I don't share details of my life with my wife, my GF, my Best Friend or my own siblings. I am going to tell you how I feel? No, I am paying you not to talk to me. Like Charlie Sheen said, I am not paying you for sex, I am paying you to leave after sex. Same goes for anything before sex.
5) Not having the tools of your craft. If you are a Provider, you should have lube, condoms, whatever, and not tell me, "we can't do it because I am out of this or that."
6) The Phone. Shut the Phone Off. Do not text in my presence. I can't stand it when people are driving and texting; I am certainly not going to tolerate you texting your last/next/PO'd client on my time.
This describes my last encounter, which embarrasses me as an astute client. Hmmm... Something something Spain, and something something Nottie. Capital NOT...