Should I cheat, file for divorce, or lead a life devoid of blow jobs?

I recently joined ECCIE and would love to get some feedback from this community; I feel like this group can probably be more honest than any of friends, all of whom are married.

I am 42 years old, I live in Texas and I've been married for three years. We have no kids and probably never will. She is 38.

In every capacity except for sex she and I get along great. She's intelligent, funny, kind, loving and generally not a pain in my ass. Sadly, our sex life does not provide me enough satisfaction. We fuck every week or two (which gets both of us off) but she never gives me head and doesn't like to engage in any of the D/s play that we both enjoyed while dating. I could elaborate or speculate on the details of why, but I'll spare you all the tangential information. But I will offer up that I still think she's sexy and I still get turned on by her. I go down on her whenever she lets me and would do anything she wants (yes, anything) to get her off. She does not share the reciprocal feeling.

My desire for a wider range of sexual play leads me to Eccie. I did play with two providers (on two different occasions) last year. While it was fun in the moment, I felt guilty as hell afterwards and I also got paranoid about STDs. (I realize now that my paranoia was probably driven by my guilt.) After the second outing I confessed my infidelity to my wife. Yes, that was a very shitty day.

So, here's the question... what the hell should I do?

(A) See some lovely Eccie girls for the occasionally CBJ, HJ, COF, FUMA, strap-on and other ultra safe activities. Deal with the guilt, which will eventually go away.

(B) Stay married and don't cheat because I am the sort of guy who feels too much guilt for minor indiscretions.

(C) Get divorced and start working through my top 100 Eccie girls, two at time.


For the record, I own a nice house that I purchased before we met. She doesn't work (a few months ago I suggested she quit her job... I thought that her stressful but low-paying job was part of the problem.) I earn a healthy six-figure income, enough to support both of us. Getting divorced will probably mean selling the house and giving her half of it.

I know that some of you guys have been through divorce and some of you guys cheat on your wives; all of your experience/wisdom is valuable to me. Would be grateful for your feedback here.

Thanks!

NONE OF THE ABOVE!

Seeing an Eccie girl is not in the same realm as cheating.

Hmmmm...

I think seeing an Eccie girl is far better than sleeping with someone I meet in the "civilian" world, but it's still cheating in my book (and hers). I took a vow a few years ago and I'm sure that playing with other women is well outside of that vow.

You are not in the right frame of mind baby. Perhaps you should stay on the sidelines.

It's not cheating at all. Cheating has to do with your heart, not your physical body. If this is the same as cheating for you, then you should forget about it, and put more effort into your wonderful wife.

For the record, I own a nice house that I purchased before we met. She doesn't work (a few months ago I suggested she quit her job... I thought that her stressful but low-paying job was part of the problem.) I earn a healthy six-figure income, enough to support both of us. Getting divorced will probably mean selling the house and giving her half of it. Originally Posted by NaughtyButNice

If you owned the house free and clear prior to you getting married, the house is not community property. However, if you have a mortgage, your S/O will have a community property interest in the monthly principal you pay each month. One caveat to the preceding comments - Any renovations paid for out of community funds will also slowly build her community property interest.

If you owned the house free and clear prior to you getting married, the house is not community property. However, if you have a mortgage, your S/O will have a community property interest in the monthly principal you pay each month. One caveat to the preceding comments - Any renovations paid for out of community funds will also slowly build her community property interest. Originally Posted by Wicket

I generally agree with this, although it may not be true 1) if you're paying the mortgage with separate property funds; or 2) have a prenup with the appropriate language in it and one that holds up in court. But that just deals with the fall out from the divorce should one happen and doesn't solve the problem.

Since you've already confessed once, I would suggest that you level with your wife about what led you to cheat, and explain your thoughts much like you did here. Suggest that you don't want to cheat again, but you do want your relationship to be more satisfying for both of you and see if she's willing to seek some form of counseling together. If she is, give it a shot. If not, that should tell you a fair bit about how accommodating or flexible she's willing to be. If you're worried about her saying "No," to counseling, go to a reputable and registered marriage counselor by yourself and get some tips on how to broach the subject. My guess is that she will be more comfortable discussing it with a female counselor (although the women here may have a better idea of that that I would).

I don't own the house free and clear... I have 50% equity according to a recent appraisal. When I re-financed last year I also added her to the title (but not the loan). No pre-nup... I considered it before I proposed but decided against it at the time.

I've asked her about counseling (again) recently... she's resistant but not totally against it. We've talked through this issue countless times... at this point I assume she's not going to change.

Thanks for the feedback.

...
It's not cheating at all. Cheating has to do with your heart, not your physical body. If this is the same as cheating for you, then you should forget about it, and put more effort into your wonderful wife. Originally Posted by Tiffany Cums

I have to disagree with Tiffany. Anything you cannot tell your wife about actual sex with others is cheating. Despite what Bill Clinton sold the younger generation, a blowjob is cheating.

since you did not own the house free and clear, that property rules of "what was yours before the marriage is yours", does not apply; possibly the equity before the marriage. However, divorce is a negotiation. It can be very costly.

Additionally, it sounds as if you love her. You just want some things sexually that she quit doing. I suggest marriage counseling. Work it out. Give it a chance. Get her drunk. Take her to see a doctor. IS she on antidepressants? Those kill women's sex drives even more than in men.

And NEVER admit to cheating. You fucked up. Tell a pastor or a therapist. But do not tell her. Getting it off your chest will damage her and your relationship permanently. If you are the guy who can't keep a secret and will eventually confess, then don't do it.

Read here and look at the stats for the different diseases. http://www.cdc.gov/std/

There is no way that hookers and johns beat the national average. Behind teens, we are the second highest risk group. Many of these gals are teens and having been doing this since their teen years. There are risks involved. I really doubt many people take themselves out of the game because of an STD, otherwise the stats for us would be diminishing.

Sex produces powerful feelings and chemical reactions in the brain, espcially when the ladies you see might be well skilled in charm and the art of making a man feel really good about himself. It is unlikely that you would not escalate your behavior and continue to participate in this hobby, in my opinion. I could be very wrong. The lurkers rarely post or share anything so my data is based only on my experience with other hobbyists, myself, and the info I get from the ladies.

If you are going to do this anyway, READ, READ, READ. Read old posts, Study this hobby like were studying for the bar exam. There are years of valuable info here and on ERAPS. Lean about Hobby phones (I like Google voice), hobby email addresses, etc. Do not get caught. If you are going to be a sociopath, learn to be a good one, like Dexter. Learn to control and channel your urges. Learn what your own routines and behaviors are now so they do not change. She will notice a change in routines and behavior.

I hope that helps.

If you have the doubts about the marriage, odds are it's not going to change. If it does, it may only be a temporary stop gap. People tend to think marriage fixes those little annoyances that one finds cute when dating. Odds are the signs were there before you got married, you were probably just to smitten to tell. I don't think filling your needs with girls is going to fix your long term problem and ultimately I think you already know what that solution is no matter how painful. There's a reason we call it a hobby, not a career. IMHO if anyone needs it more than that, it's time for some heavy life choices and changes.

I don't own the house free and clear... I have 50% equity according to a recent appraisal. When I re-financed last year I also added her to the title (but not the loan). No pre-nup... I considered it before I proposed but decided against it at the time. Originally Posted by NaughtyButNice

Hmmm.... Seeing as you added her name to the title, I'm guessing that she is now has a full community property interest in the house. I kinda of surprised that the loan company let the loan remain in your name while your S/O was added to the deed.

Tough situation.

I think you have to ask yourself the question what is acceptable?

You also have to be REAL careful in your behavior or risk costing yourself (more) money. Once she sees writing on the wall if she has any savvy she will consult an attorney who will advise her on things to do to ultimately improve her settlement: making notes about incidents or behaviors that could paint you in a negative light, looking at/making copies of financial statements, starting a little war chest of her own etc. If she's any good you won't even know it in fact she probably will even agree to the counseling as a sign that she's making an effort. You might even think things are really improving.

Here's a related question I have: what do courts consider an "abandonment of marital relations" (or what ever the legal term is for stopping to put out)? I got to think in your case (having intercourse a couple of times a month) doesn't qualify. You are still getting some regularly and the fact that she isn't into more adventurous acts isn't really a legal issue..but I don't know so that is why I ask.

I think your best bet is to seek the advice of a counselor. If that doesn't work, you have some difficult choices to make. But you have done your divorce attorney no favors by the way that you've structured your purchase of your house. But if you are in an otherwise compatible relationship, why not try to make an effort to save it. It's not like those come around every day.

Personally, I believe I have helped save a great many marriages by being there for gents when their wives are sexually dormant. Marriage is a much deeper bond and can survive infidelity.

I have a friend whose wife said she no longer wishes to have sex. He explained to her that he loved her and would be there with her through thick and thin but he had to have his needs met. Without going into details with his wife and not taking any time away from his family, he hobbies. There is no "mistress" or emotional ties to any one provider which probably assists in keeping the deep marital bond.

Much like the time spent away from work for a haircut or a doctor's visit, he sees a provider to have his needs met and his marriage is still intact.

Tiffany is TOTALLY spot on here! Seeing providers is not cheating; they will not get involved with you emotionally, compete for your wife's affection, demand you divorce her or otherwise cause her social or emotional problems. We provide a vital social function, which is why we used to be a kind of priestess (working out of the temples even) up until about 2500 years ago.

If your wife refused to cook for you, would you consider it "cheating" to visit a restaurant? You have bought into the modern American nonsense that men and women are interchangable and that men can be judged by female standards. For a man to try to restrict himself to a typical female level of sexual activity is just as wrong and absurd as expecting a woman to be able to do the same level of lift-and-carry work as a typical man.

You are not in the right frame of mind baby. Perhaps you should stay on the sidelines.

It's not cheating at all. Cheating has to do with your heart, not your physical body. If this is the same as cheating for you, then you should forget about it, and put more effort into your wonderful wife. Originally Posted by Tiffany Cums

You've got it lucky in regards to your sex life! I've been married for 26 yrs. She's gone down on me twice since we were married, she won't let me give oral, we have intercourse about once a month and it's only missionary. That's my married sex life.

The hobby has given me a tremendous outlet. I used to feel guilty, but not anymore. I love my wife in all other respects, but she never has been interested in sex and only provides it about once a month out of obligation.

Divorce is out of the question primarily because we are great friends and I do love her as my life partner not to mention the financial hits I would take from a divorce. My advice is to get over the guilt and hobby to your heart's content.