UPS --Gripe Sheet

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, has ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit..
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing..
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft acting funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Go Brown!

When, I was working for uncle Sugar, as a newly minted SSgt in the USAF, and had my own team. We were assigned to cover launches of B-52's with live ordinance on board. (The air crews never got to fly with conventional munitions, every thing was always simulated)

On this fine morning in Northern Michigan, 10 jets got to go drop bombs, out of the 10 preparing to launch, only 1 had a problem. It was a 911 mission, to get to the problem jet, we arrive, all 8 jet engines going, me as a brand new crew leader, I climb up into the jet, speak to the person that is having a problem with the system.... He starts explaining all of his checks... etc, in rapid fire... I mean really fast, (the whole aircrew is excited to go drop some bombs) since it was my crew, that loaded the bombs, and I was the guy that said "OK" to this jet, I look around.... The officer, I was speaking to, was a Captain,
I am the enlisted guy, I calmly explain to him if he needs his pre-flight check out list to work, he needed to select the, "ON" mode on that particular, Panel, instead of its current setting in the "OFF" mode.... When I said that, ( at the time there was no humor involved) his face went flush, the lights came on, and he said thanks Sgt. They flew off and dropped their bombs....

SNL.... thanks for letting remember something...

Funny SNL!!! I need it after reading that train wreck in the Hole,!! I think my head was going to explode!! I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Years Celebration! Thanks for the laughs!