It begs the question!

When I was single, I had various women stopping by a couple of times a week; this included some cooking, cleaning and doing my laundry. Now that I have a SO and the sex life has gone to quarterly installments...I'm in the hobby. I still get the cooking, cleaning and laundry...but very little intimacy. It's almost like I get to pay twice. So it begs the question...if I feel the need to be in the hobby, why keep the SO around? I'm a great cook and a good housekeeper, I just hate to do laundry. I can understand if you are married, have children, and don't want to overturn the apple cart...at least until the kids leave home. I ask this question of myself on a regular basis and I am curious about those who are in the same boat...if you have a SO or are married without kids, why stay if they aren't commited to your happiness? Ladies...feel free to chime in!

I'm a great cook and a good housekeeper, I just hate to do laundry. Originally Posted by Tarzan of Dallas

Use a Wash, Dry and Fold service. Many laundromats will do it for $0.75/lb.

Do you love your SO? Do you show her attention and affection? experience has shown me that I get what I give. When I am not showing the wife attention and affection I dont get it in return. When I am showing her the affection that she needs, I get it back and it is usually better than what I am giving.

Love alone is not enough to make a relationship work long term...is it?

Love alone is not enough to make a relationship work long term...is it? Originally Posted by Tarzan of Dallas

It takes so much more than love, im single and happy, sometimes a bit lonely, but to answer you question, do you want to be single again? women today are not the women of yesterday, dating is not what it used to be, where buying roses and opening the car door was appreciated,( i appreciate it) However these days, women want money, jewelry and rent paid to keep things warm in bed, and some women are too independent, not all women, but do you really want to do that vicious cycle again?

Does the SO love you, is she your best friend? Is she a good woman who appreciates what you do for her? Does she respect you? if the answer is yes, stay with her. Good qualities in women are to find nowadays. They are out there, and they are gems, if you already have one, stay with her.

If you are enjoying the hobby, enjoy it for whats it worth, a replacement for the not getting at home.


Lisa

Lisa, you are correct, there's some great info in your post that Tarzan could find useful.

Are you looking for love ( the kind that includes real intimacy), or do you just enjoy the benefits of a comfy relationship? Some people feel secure just knowing someone else is there...is that enough? If you are unhappy then it will begin to manifest in other aspects of the relationship, and well, someone gets hurt

I walked away from a long-term relationship 8 years ago, for that very same reason. I guess I like to keep my options open...hopeless romantic waiting for "The One"

agree 100% with lisa wow right on the spot... I think that real love is PURE sacrifice if you are ready for that you will be compensated...

Some of us try but need the hobby to have what we need and can not get it at home.

Are you looking for love ( the kind that includes real intimacy), or do you just enjoy the benefits of a comfy relationship? Some people feel secure just knowing someone else is there...is that enough? If you are unhappy then it will begin to manifest in other aspects of the relationship, and well, someone gets hurt

I walked away from a long-term relationship 8 years ago, for that very same reason. I guess I like to keep my options open...hopeless romantic waiting for "The One" Originally Posted by Nicole Preston

I like to think everyone hopes the live will last and the intimacy will always be there. For some people that is the case and they are the luckiest people around. The rest of us just hope we have periods in our lives where we have that.

Are you looking for love ( the kind that includes real intimacy), or do you just enjoy the benefits of a comfy relationship? Some people feel secure just knowing someone else is there...is that enough? If you are unhappy then it will begin to manifest in other aspects of the relationship, and well, someone gets hurt

I walked away from a long-term relationship 8 years ago, for that very same reason. I guess I like to keep my options open...hopeless romantic waiting for "The One" Originally Posted by Nicole Preston

I agree with you! I have obviously made my decision. You can't say that you really love someone and be in this hobby...unless its by agreement. It violates the very essence of what love is. The decision to join the hobby was a decision to abandon the relationship.

Much like Nicole, I am a hopeless romantic hoping to find and fall in love with my best friend.

This thread was started as a way of gaining some insight into what others have experienced.

We ALL wish for the PERFECT relationship. And I guess a lucky few do find it. I am so happy for them.

But realistically, we settle for a comfortable relationship. On the big ticket items, security, respect, finances, sex, or whatever is important to you, we may have items we are not willing to compromise on. But on the smaller ticket items , and to some sex may be inthis category, we have more tolerance of shortcomings. But on the whole, many of us ( especially those that have been in a VERY long term relationships ) have decided to go for the comfortable situation and find outlets that help us fill in the voids.

You have to figure out which items are critical, that you can't "outsource". The child factor adds another element to the mix as well. Some take responsibilities and committments lightly, others do not.

But often the "comfort and security" factors are more important to us than the " hot sheets", and changes to one are much easier to make than changes to the other.

LT

For me, intimacy would be the thing that has to remain in order to stay in a long term relationship. I've noticed that usually the first phase of decline is the kissing, it turns to "pecks", then goes almost completely away. If you can hang on to this, encourage and foster this (to me the most intimate form of communication), the rest will continue. Stop, think, take the time to really and passionately kiss your partner!!!

One of the reasons the kissing stops is that you stop doing the little things, or your SO stops doing the little things, that makes you want to kiss each other. Appreciate each other, do those little things, kiss often and with passion!

Nothing is wrong with comfort, but if you are a hopeless romantic, comfort will not be enough for you. Some people are addicted to the high of falling in love, but when love turns into normal life, they get bored with it. Nothing wrong with that, its just how some people are wired.

Tarzan, very thought provoking. Powerful when you note you have " made my decision" by being in the hobby.

I have said this before, the good times are easy, but the difficult times are hard work. Are both of you up to that hard work or do we just get lazy. The metaphor I use relates to a book. The ending isn't always happy, but that doesn't make the book bad, lots of good chapters on the way to the end.

Tarzan, very thought provoking. Powerful when you note you have " made my decision" by being in the hobby.

I have said this before, the good times are easy, but the difficult times are hard work. Are both of you up to that hard work or do we just get lazy. The metaphor I use relates to a book. The ending isn't always happy, but that doesn't make the book bad, lots of good chapters on the way to the end. Originally Posted by Judge Smails

There is always a lot more to the story than what you read on the cover. The same holds true for this one.

I have met too many couples over the years that go into their golden years tolerating each other. Many couples stay together out of a commitment to stay in the relationship without the commitment to work on making each other happy. There are those who leave at the slightest sign of conflict. Then there are those couples who have an emotional attachment to each other, are best friends, work through all of their problems, and still have regular sex into their golden years....this is what I'm looking for. These are the couples you see holding hands in public, rocking together on their porch, and acting like they are the only two people in the world when they are together...this is what I'm looking for.