And so the Christmas season begins ...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Subject: Christmas Party
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd,
starting at noon in the private function room at
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and
plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band
playing traditional carols...please feel free to
sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD
shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas
tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.. Exchange of gifts
among employees can be done at that time,
however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!

The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline
-------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 2005

RE:: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately
not this year. However, from now on we're
calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy
applies to any other employees who are not
Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types
of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

------

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of
Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking
table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on
a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to
handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift
exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the
Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much
money and Management believe £10.00 is a little
cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 2005
RE: Holiday Parrty

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that
December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of
Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at
this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can
hold off on serving your meal until the end of
the party - or else package everything up for you
to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will
that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members
of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the
dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to
sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit
with gay men, each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the
gay men's table too. To the person asking
permission to cross dress - no cross dressing
allowed. We will have booster seats for short
people. Low fat food will be available for those
on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in
the food we suggest those people with high blood
pressure taste the food first.. There will be
fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All ******* Employees
DATE: 8 November 2004
RE: The ********* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian scum, I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House
whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of
death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get
your ******* salad bar, including organic
tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too,
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them
scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I
hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive
and die.

The Bitch from h***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!

------

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing
Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll
continue to forward your cards to her. In the
meantime, the Management has decided to cancel
our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John

Classics but still great!

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. The pastor of the church was looking over the cradle when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures. Immediately he turned and went outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get Him, my fine friend?"The little boy replied, "I got him from the church.""And why did you take him?"The boy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it."

LOL FF!

The Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Elf costumes ....