Dom/Sub advice.....

These questions are for all the ladies (Ms Athena, Dallas, etc.) out there who dabble around in the world of being the dom/mistress. I know this is touching on a subculture/alternate lifestyle, so I'm looking for good honest advice/answers.

I'm toying (no pun intended) with the idea of getting into a dom/sub relationship with a civie lady. As far as I can tell this is not a P4P situation. She wants to be the mistress, and I'm to be her slave. If we get into this relationship, I'll be honest. I don't know what to expect.

Upfront, I was looking for just a little NSA type of fun and had no problem with "playing" the role of the slave when BCD with the girl. From my standpoint, the role playing is not intended to go beyond BCD dates.

Well, in the course of our discussions, she sent me an "example" of a contract between the mistress and the slave. It was just an example, but it was quite extensive-- i.e 3 pages in length. Give that I'm a complete newbie to this "lifestyle", I was wondering if extensive contracts were the norm? I realize any type of agreement would have to be worked out between the 2 parties, but still it was a bit overwhelming. There were "clauses" in it that stated that even during non-BCD time i.e. in real life, the slave had certain "requirements".

Again, I realize everything is negotiable, but it got me thinking as to no-kidding BCD type activities. I know this lifestyle runs the gamut of extremes, but for me there are certain limits I'm not willing to compromise on. First, I'm not into any type of play when it comes to excretions. I'm not into golden showers nor would I be willing to eat/swallow my own cum. Additionally, I'm not into anal play on me. Maybe over time when a comfort level has been established, then I might consider it. Would I be off base in standing firm on these matters, or do those types of "demands" be considered non-starters in this lifestyle. Finally and probably most important is the issue of orgasm denial. I know this is a pretty standard practice in the dom world i.e. the dom controls when the slave cums. For me, though, this is problematic. I'm quickly aroused by almost any sexual stimulation. I can cum even when not physically engaged in sex. I don't think I could play that game. I'm going to cum regardless of the verbal abuse against it. Given this problem, should I even entertain getting into a dom/slave relationship? Any advice would be appreciated.

If your friend is in the Lifestyle then I would think she is looking for more then just a BCD scene with you just "playing" the role of a sex slave. You need to read the info she is sending you as she is giving you insight into how she plays and what she will be expecting of you. There are many rules and unwritten rules for D/s play. Is she a true Domme? Is so then sex may not be involved at all. If you disobey her with cuming or anything else you will be puished as a true slave desires to be for displeasing his Mistress. Feel free to contact me via PM and google can be your friend here with terms. If you are not a true sub at heart then this may not be the path for you.......
Ms Athena

Jeez. From the outside looking in, you don't really know this person. And she wants a contract? That's crap. Don't do it.

When I was mentored years ago, slave contracts were discussed and over the years, I've read quite a few of them. This is something that is either earned or done after you've gotten to know someone. And the people that I do know that have contracts, it's looked on as a very serious commitment. VERY serious.

Not for a kinky booty call.

I know that some in the lifestyle will spring that on someone immediately but you're looking for some fun with no strings attached, right? A contract will mean (well, in theory) that there are strings. Three pages of string.

Tell her that you need to get to know her more before signing anything. You need to know that this is a good, and ongoing, match. If she's not into it, go to someone else. A couple of times together is just beginning.

It does sound as if she wants much more than you're willing, or needing, to offer.

I've gone through a bunch of people on aff and other sites back in the day. Nothing ever worked out for me. It's tough to find a good match although they are out there.

Good luck,
Elisabeth

P.S. In many ways, the submissive is in control (at least during the negotiation exchange) of what he or she wants. If a "domme" isn't willing to respect your boundaries, whatever they may be, then it's not a good match.

Always remember, there is a true Dom and Dommes and then there are bullies. Don't fall for the later. There are more folks who pretend to be a dominate (male and female) than who really are.

I just noticed your signature lines. I don't think that orgasm denial is for you. And there are a bunch of dominate females who will not do oral sex at all. IF you're being a good submissive, she might let you touch yourself to have an orgasm.

If she tells you to NOT have an orgasm and you do ... well, generally you're punished.

Just a few things to think about.

As a Pro Domme, The rest of the ladies are Absolute correct. It is a very serious deal. If you want a kinky hook -up why don't you go to adult sites that are specifically for that, such as Fetlife.com however, if a Domme is giving you a contact it's not for your pleasure, but rather hers.. If you are not really in the right place psychologically then i wouldn't do it.. especially after reading your signature...I think you may just be a Kinkster... Not the slave/submissive type

Thanks all. That is why asked the experts-- LOL. I don't think she wants to "spring" the contract immediately. She kinda hinted that something like that would come over time. I've always been intrigued by the dom/sub lifestyle, but I also know some of the subs take it hard core and that for many it is not a sexual game. This girl seemed to be in between. She wants to have kinky fun but also have the dominant role in the relationship and consider someone to be her slave. It kinda cuts both ways. I guess I'm looking more for someone to fantasy/role play with during BCD time. What attracted me to her was that this was not going to be a P4P arrangement. It was strictly civie to civie hooking up.

Number one rule......There is no such thing as free sex...............IJS

Thanks all. That is why asked the experts-- LOL. I don't think she wants to "spring" the contract immediately. She kinda hinted that something like that would come over time. I've always been intrigued by the dom/sub lifestyle, but I also know some of the subs take it hard core and that for many it is not a sexual game. This girl seemed to be in between. She wants to have kinky fun but also have the dominant role in the relationship and consider someone to be her slave. It kinda cuts both ways. I guess I'm looking more for someone to fantasy/role play with during BCD time. What attracted me to her was that this was not going to be a P4P arrangement. It was strictly civie to civie hooking up. Originally Posted by Cpalmson

If you are in a relationship the sex would be free.
If you are in a relationship with a Domme, many want you to be exclusive to them.
If you want to just get your kink on from time to time, a Pro Domme might be your best bet.

Before you get into ANY relationship, it is best that you have a sincere talk to determine if BOTH of your needs will be met.
The fantasy may be fun to dream about.
Reality may bite you in the ass if yu are not prepared.

My suggestion is not to jump too fast.
Get some experience FIRST.

Cpalmson, there is a HUGE difference between dom/sub "play" and dom/sub "serious". You may be considering this as play. She isn't. She's dead serious.

Every clause in a slave contract is negotiable. If your intent and desire is to bind yourself to her service, for a set term or for life, but there are specific items you are uncomfortable with, you are expected and required to speak up BEFORE you sign, and negotiate them with your prospective Mistress. As one example, some slaves have previous psychological issues that mean that demeaning language will really hurt them, and a clause will be added to the contract forbidding the Master/Mistress from using such language. Some slaves may have physical limitations that must be documented and respected. Some Masters and Mistresses consider "corporal punishment" of the slave, for transgression or just on principle or whim, as part of the relationship. Those will all be written into the contract.

The key is this: That contract, while it would not actually hold up in court, is intended to set the parameters of the bound relationship, and each party who signs it is formally declaring to the other party(ies) his/her intent to do it that way, no bullshit, for the term of the contract. If EITHER party breaks the contract, it by definition potentially breaks the relationship.

Your response to her suggestion of a contract makes it abundantly clear that you are NOT looking for what she is looking for.

Walk. Away.

For more information, Miss Abernathy's Omnibus is an excellent resource. Read it cover to cover. http://www.amazon.com/Erotic-Slaveho...hy%27s+omnibus

Why don't you try a trial period lol? No seriously, ask her for a couple of weeks trial and then if you both are comfortable with a longer contract. As everybody else said, it's not gonna be play, it's gonna be you becoming HERS for as long as she wishes

Thanks all. That is why asked the experts-- LOL. I don't think she wants to "spring" the contract immediately. She kinda hinted that something like that would come over time. I've always been intrigued by the dom/sub lifestyle, but I also know some of the subs take it hard core and that for many it is not a sexual game. This girl seemed to be in between. She wants to have kinky fun but also have the dominant role in the relationship and consider someone to be her slave. It kinda cuts both ways. I guess I'm looking more for someone to fantasy/role play with during BCD time. What attracted me to her was that this was not going to be a P4P arrangement. It was strictly civie to civie hooking up. Originally Posted by Cpalmson

Having gone done the contract rabbit hole and having it not work out so well, I can tell you from experience that you need to take your time before signing one, regardless of how much or how little of yourself you put into it. What it means is always going to vary with the individuals. You may find yourself really wanting more, while she just did it to make you happy. Or vice versa. Or worse-versa! Lol.

At the end of the day its really just an expression of your feelings and interests for one another. So take your time to find out how you feel, and how she feels, and make an effort to think things through before you do anything.

There are many Dommes who don't require a contract.
Loyalty and commitment are nice to have, and it makes the relationship stronger.
A piece of paper isn't going to seal the deal for either of you and it is only binding you the sub and Domme.

I have seen subs who have their Mistress' name tatted on their butt cheeks.
NOT FUN when the relationship doesn't work out.

"Cpalmson, there is a HUGE difference between dom/sub "play" and dom/sub "serious". You may be considering this as play. She isn't. She's dead serious."



Very well put, but you have to really want this lifestyle badly to enter into a contract. Years ago I met a woman via Collarme. We sort of have a FWB’s thing going on. She really loves being a Dominatrix, and I enjoy my sub role. But, I would say that our “hook-ups” are about 50/50. Some days when I go to visit her, she may meet me at the door with some cute little lingerie, and I spoil her, yet take her like a vanilla woman would want to be treated. Another night, she might meet me at the door in leather with a single tail in her hand. On those nights, not word has to be spoken, I know my role. I do exactly whatever she wants. (Of course within our agreed limits.) It doesn’t take away from our experiences at all. We both have a good time. Hopefully you will be able to find a similar relationship.

I personally have only had contracts with long-term subs that have build a trust for me. The lifestyle is intended to satisfy both parties(dom/sub). Every dom isn't compatible with every sub.

Don't sign a contract before you explore the lifestyle & see what areas strike your interest. If you do you may soon find out your contracted mistress is way more than you expected.


After finding common interest you two may come together for a mutual contract that still lets her express her dominance but also maintains a comfort zone for yourself. Have fun, play safe &
Hope my input helps XOXO


P.S. keep in mind to let your mistress know you aren't into denial to avoid unnecessary punishments

I agree with everything Mistress LeilaBanks has said above. Of special importance is her recommendation to explore the Domme/sub lifestyle before entering into a contract. You will be glad you did.

Excellent advice Mistress LeilaBanks.