Electric Fence verses Man - ECCIE Worldwide

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a
few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in
the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me I got an
electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod,
and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with
the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6
hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of
the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in
my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep
in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up
the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time
that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.
I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of ****
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same
time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my
bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was
a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and
you're all leaned back and BAM, BAM, BAM you just crap your pants 3
times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it
was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about
electric fences, but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made
by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kind of
tickled. This one I could not let go. The 8 foot long ground rod is
now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex River
bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man
up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled
into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race
cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think
'Oh God please die. Please die'. But no, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam
EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did
not take me that day, he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.. I
woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside
me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There
were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on
the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure
and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized
a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my
right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I
think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are
almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect
for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always
triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over
the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also
reminds me to triple check before I mow.