Jokes

The Pig!

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:

'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...

'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Fuck me!! A talking pig!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

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A Syrian arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Canadian, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, income support, free medical care, free dental, free housing and a free education!"

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada."

The person says, "I not Canadian, I am Iranian."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful country Canada."

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Afghanistan. I am not Canadian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a Canadian woman?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa."

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

Q: who makes more $, a drug dealer or hooker?

A: a hooker cuz she can wash her crack and reuse it.

Why do Jewish guys watch pornos backwards?

They get off on the part where the hooker gives the $ back.

What did the Chinese man and his hooker wife name their black baby?

Sum Tin Wong

Ha ha ha !!! SD you are one of a kind

JEWISH LDIES BRAGGING ABOUT THEIR SONS...

Four Jewish ladies meet after 30 years at their High School Reunion.

One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No 4. came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about.

They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son.

She said her son is gay and he works in a Gay Bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful.

"Oh no!! " said the Lady, he is doing good.

"Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends...".The other three fainted...

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A man boarded a plane with six kids.

(gutsy guy!)

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company.

These are customer complaints..."

A man woke up one morning and realized his dick was orange. He called his doctor immediately and explains his problem. The doctor has him come and examines him.

"Do you have any appliances??" The Dr. ask
"Why yes, I have a dishwasher, tv, microwave, etc." the man said
"Did you buy anything last night??" the Dr. ask

"Yeah, 2 porno tapes and a bag of cheetos."

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.”

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah ... She's purty good lookin'..."

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I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then ... try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

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I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

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I went to the pub last night and saw a FAT chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Friendship, SCOTTISH STYLE...

Are ye tired of those weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?

Well, here are a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship ... You will see no cute wee smiley faces on this card. Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1 ... When ye are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the bastard who made ye sad.

2 ... When ye are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking ye.

3 ... When ye smile -- I will know ye are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4 ... When ye are scared -- I will shake the piss out of ye every chance I get, until you're NOT.

5 ... When ye are worried -- I will tell ye stories about how much worse it could be until YE STOP YER WHINING!

6 ... When yer confused -- I will try to use only wee words.

7 ... When ye are sick -- Stay tae hell away from me until ye are well again. I dinna want whatever ye've got.

8 ... When ye fall, I will laugh me head off at you, you clumsy arse, -- but I'll help you up.

9 ... This is my oath -- I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; Because ... you are my friend.

Friendship is like peein' in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to ten o' yer closest friends, then get depressed because ye can only think of four.

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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out onto the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.

One says, ' Your thingy doesn't have any skin on it.'

I've been circumcised, the other one says.

What's that mean?

It means they cut the skin off at the end.'

How old were you when it was cut off?

'My mum said I was two days old.'

Did it hurt?

You bet it hurt. I couldn't walk for a year, '

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FLAWLESS MALE LOGIC...

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3 draft Bock beers

Woman: How much do you pay per Draft Bock beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a Bock beer costs $5 and you have 3 Bock beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much Bock beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

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There was a middle aged man who had been having daily migraine headaches every day for the past twenty years. He had been to numerous doctors about this, but none of them were able to fix the problem.

He finally found one doctor who was able to tell him the apparent problem. The doctor said his balls were pressing up against his spine, which was causing the problem. The solution was castration.

As it was a drastic solution, he spent several months contemplating the procedure. He was middle aged after all, and did not plan on any more children, and the migraines were getting worse, so he decided to get the operation.

After the operation the migraines went away.

Finally, feeling good about himself, he decided to go out and buy a new suit.

He went to the best tailor in town. Without measuring him, the tailor said he needed a 44 long. When questioned, the tailor said he had been doing this for over 30 years, so he had the eye for it.

When the man went to pick up the suit, it fit perfectly. The tailor then suggested some new shirts, 17 ½ neck and 35 sleeve. He also suggested some new undershorts, size 36.

The man said "No, I have always worn size 32."

The tailor responded, "If you wore a size 32, they would press your balls up against your spine and give you a headache!"

very day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."

Why don't Jews eat pussy? Because it's way too close to the gas chamber.

These are compliments of mario_mario

The policeman approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drunk driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?"

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, "What's your hurry?"

She replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a Rectum Stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what?"

"A Rectum Stretcher!"

"And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

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Sex & Calories

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

Subway is similar to prostitution.
You pay other people to do your wife's job.