Let's not argue anymore...let's play Family Feud -- Hobby Edition!!

JennsLolli: Good evening, everyone! Welcome to Family Feud – Hobby Edition, the game that pits teams of mongers against teams of providers in an exciting game of wits and hobby knowledge.

I’m your host, Jenns Lolli – celebrity celibacy coach and locally acclaimed sex columnist.

Before each show, we survey our studio audience, which is made up of both mongers and providers, about important hobby topics. Our monger contestants try to guess how our provider audience has responded, and our provider contestants try to guess how the mongers responded.

Who knows best? Let’s play Family Feud and find out!!

First, let’s meet tonight’s contestants. Playing for the Monger team, we have:

· Black Sunshine
· PlainVanillaATX
· The Cat in the Hat
· The Allnighter

Gentlemen – and you, too, Black Sunshine – welcome to Family Feud – Hobby Edition!!

In particular, let’s say hello to tonight’s newbie, The Allnighter! I’d like to give you an autographed copy of my new book, “Conscious Coupling – A Guide to Avoiding Bat Shit Crazy Sex” -- I heard that you might need it.

Allnighter: Well, thank you, Jenns. I’d love to read it – in fact, I’ve got lots of time on my hands right now…given that I’ve been blacklisted by the Pussy Mafia and couldn’t get laid if I tried!

JennsLolli: Well, serves you right!

Now let’s meet our provider contestants -- playing for the Provider team, we have:

· Claire She Blows
· Becky Goodhead
· Temptation Tammie
· Hunter Grace

Claire, I also have a special gift for you – an autographed copy of my assembled sex essays, “Leave The Gun; Break His Cannoli – Confessions of a Former Associate in the Pussy Mafia”.

Claire: Well, thank you Jenns! But you know, there are no former associates in the Pussy Mafia. You’re not retired -- you’re in the Reserves.

JennsLolli: Whatever.

Well, let’s START THE FEUD!!

OK – the first team up, as determined by a coin toss before the show, will be the Mongers. They will attempt to guess the answers on a series of secret survey questions given to the provider members of our audience prior to tonight’s show.

First up, the captain of the Monger team, Black Sunshine!!!

Good evening, Black Sunshine! Can I call you Black? Or just call you BS?

BlkSunshine: Black Sunshine will be fine, Jenns.

JennsLolli: OK. Tonight’s first survey question is, “THINGS YOU DO WHEN PREPARING FOR A SESSION”. Black Sunshine, can you tell us what 50 providers here in our studio audience tonight told us is the most common thing they do when preparing for a session?

BlkSunshine: Umm…put out condoms and warm up the lube?

JennsLolli: Let’s see if you know what providers do when they prepare for a session – SURVEY SAYS…

PUT OUT CONDOMS – 8

JennsLolli: Not bad, Black Sunshine. 8 provider-members of our audience told us that the most common thing they do when preparing for a session is to “Put out condoms”. Your team now has 8 points.

Let’s go to the next member of the Monger team – PlainVanilla ATX! Plain Vanilla, what do you think the ladies in our audience replied?

PlainVanilla: Well, knowing my ladies, I’m gonna say, “Put on make-up, do their hair and put on nice lingerie and a dress”.

JennsLolli: OK! The answer is, “Put on make-up and a dress.” SURVEY SAYS…

X

JennsLolli: Oh…sorry, PV. I guess that went out of style when I retired -- no providers in the audience here tonight indicated that they put on make-up, did their hair or put on a dress to prepare for a session.

If it makes you feel any better, one provider DID say that she brushes the cat hair off her sweatsuit – but your answer gives your team ZERO points.

Let’s move to the next member of the Monger team, Cat in the Hat. Cat, how are you tonight? Do you know your hoogars?

CatintheHat: Damn straight! I’m gonna say the number one thing these girls do to prepare for a session is “Throw the used towels in the closet, and take the used condoms out of the wastepaper basket”.

JennsLolli: OK – your answer is “Hide the used towels and condoms”. SURVEY SAYS…

THROW OUT THE USED CONDOMS – 4

JennsLolli: Well, Cat, I guess you know your hoogars -- 4 of the 50 providers in our studio audience told us that the most common thing they do to prepare for a session is “Throw out the used condoms”.

That means the Monger team now has 12 points total. Boys, you’re getting your asses kicked here. Allnighter, I hope you can guess the number one answer from tonight’s survey!

Allnighter: Well, Jenns, based on what I’m seeing here right now, I’m gonna bat conservatively -- let’s go with “Make the bed”.

JennsLolli: OK – “Make the bed”. SURVEY SAYS…

MAKE THE BED – 13

JennsLolli: Wow! At least 13 of them make the bed!! I knew professionalism wasn’t dead! That’s 13 points – so, at the end of the first round, our Monger team has 25 points! Let’s hear it for the Mongers!!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

JennsLolli: Just for grins, does anyone want to know what the number one answer was to our provider survey question tonight??

YEAH!!

JennsLolli: Well, here you go! SURVEY SAYS…

CHECK MY TEXTS TO MAKE SURE I HAVE NO BETTER OFFERS -- 25

JennsLolli: Ohh! No surprise there! You mongers should know that by now!

OK – now let’s turn to the Provider team!

First up is the captain of the Provider team, Claire She Blows. Claire, can you tell us what 50 mongers in our studio audience told us when we asked them, “WHAT DOES GFE MEAN TO YOU?”

Claire: Oh, that’s easy! I have to kiss the loser!

JennsLolli: Well, we’ll see if our providers know their mongers! Your answer is, “Kiss the loser”. SURVEY SAYS…

LFK AND DFK – 10

JennsLolli: Whoa -- a strong start for the Provider team!! They’ve got 10 points, right out of the blocks!

Now let’s go to the second member of the Provider team, Becky Goodhead. Becky, “What does GFE mean to you?”

Becky GH: Oh, I know! I know! It means I get gifts!!

JennsLolli: GFE means you get gifts? I think the mongers were answering about what GFE means to them.

Becky GH: Well, who cares about them? Who’s the one with the pussy around here?

JennsLolli: OK. Whatever. SURVEY SAYS…

X

JennsLolli: Aww – you’re a loser…I mean, that answer is a loser. None of the mongers in our studio audience answered that GFE means he gets to give you gifts, Becky.

Becky GH: Well, fuck ‘em then! There’s plenty of other guys who know how to treat me right!

JennsLolli: Moving right along -- let’s go to the next member of our Provider team, Temptation Tammie. Welcome, Tammie. How do you think our mongers responded when we asked them, “What does GFE mean to you?”

T’Tammie: Let me think. Girls, what do you think?

The girls huddle.

T’Tammie: OK, Jenns, we have an answer. GFE means we don’t ask for the money upfront!

JennsLolli: “No money up front”. I guess that sounds reasonable. SURVEY SAYS…

X

JennsLolli: Oh, I’m sorry – apparently, the mongers don’t think that GFE means they only have to pay at the end…

Well, we have one Provider contestant left, and the Mongers are leading 25 to 10. Hunter Grace, do you know the most common answer provided by the mongers in tonight’s studio audience?

HunterG: Well, Jenns, I’ve been a girlfriend numerous times, and when it comes to sex, I know what my boyfriend always expected!

JennsLolli: …and what was that?

HunterG: He expected to get down on his knees and beg!

JennsLolli: “Get down on his knees and beg?” That’s your answer? OK -- SURVEY SAYS…

X

JennsLolli: Oh, a swing and a miss! Hunter, I actually think that’s MGE – the “Married Guy Experience”, but…

Does everyone want to know what was the number one answer given by the mongers in our studio audience when we asked them, “What does GFE mean to you?”?

YEAH!!

JennsLolli: SURVEY SAYS…

BBBJ with CIM – 40

Claire (whispers): Yeah, right – like if their girlfriends did that, we’d ever see them…

JennsLolli: And that concludes our first round!! The Mongers have the lead, 25 to 10, and it’s back to the Monger team for our second and final round…

Black Sunshine, are you ready for Round 2 of Family Feud – Hobby Edition?

BlkSunshine: Yes, Jenns! We’re feelin’ pretty good right now.

JennsLolli: Well, let’s see how good you feel after you hear the Round 2 question. We asked 50 providers in our studio audience to make believe they were mongers, and answer, “WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU CANCEL A SESSION?”

BlkSunshine: Another provider.

JennsLolli: Excuse me, BS. “Another provider”? What do you mean?

BlkSunshine: Well, that’s what I do when I cancel a session. Another provider. I do another provider.

JennsLolli: Ahh, I get it – when you cancel a session, the first thing you do is “Another Provider”. Well, let’s see what the SURVEY SAYS…

X

JennsLolli: Oh, I’m sorry. I guess that didn’t occur to the ladies in the studio audience.

BlkSunshine: Well, fuck the bitches then.

JennsLolli: Moving right along. Let’s ask our next Monger contestant how the ladies responded when we asked them to think like mongers! Plain Vanilla, how did they answer, “What do you do when you cancel a session?”

PlainVanilla: Only leave half the normal tip?

CatintheHat: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?? You can’t give that answer! No self-respecting Monger would ever cancel a session, pay for it, and leave a tip, too!!

PlainVanilla: Well, maybe not you…

A tussle commences among the Monger contestants…

JennsLolli: Well, the answer offered is “Leave half the tip.” SURVEY SAYS…

PAY IN FULL, BUT LEAVE HALF THE NORMAL TIP – 10

JennsLolli: WOW!! PV – you certainly know your hoogars! 10 out of the 50 ladies in our studio audience said they would expect you to pay the full session fee, but punish them by only leaving half the normal tip.

…and the Mongers press further into the lead, now leading 35 to 10!

Let’s go to the next Monger contestant, The Allnighter! OK, Allnighter, how did our ladies answer the question, “What do you do when you cancel a session?”

Allnighter: Uhh…can I just sit this one out? Last time I answered this question, I apparently got it really, really wrong…

JennsLolli: No, I’m sorry, that’s not an option…unless you want your team to default.

CatintheHat: Don’t be a shithead, Allnighter.

BlkSunshine: Yeah, what he said!

Allnighter: OK. OK. I’m gonna have to go with “Leave the money under the doormat”

BlkSunshine: Shithead!!

JennsLolli: “Leave the money under the doormat.” SURVEY SAYS…

LEAVE THE MONEY UNDER THE DOORMAT – 15

JennsLolli: Yee-oww – there’s a good answer!! Leave the money, doormat!! Whoops! I mean, under the doormat. “Leave the money under the doormat” was the second most popular answer in our survey of providers tonight, and it adds another 15 points to the Monger team total, making our score 50 to 10 as we come close to wrapping up this round!!

OK – the last player on the Monger team is The Cat in the Hat. Cat, what do you think the providers answered when we asked them, “What do you do when you cancel a session?”

CatintheHat: Well, I don’t give a shit what those bitches think. My answer is “Nothing”.

JennsLolli: You do “nothing” when you cancel a session?

CatintheHat: Well, not exactly, I go out and find a young stripper to bareback – but that’s for me. The girl I cancelled gets nothing.

JennsLolli: OK. “Nothing” it is. SURVEY SAYS…

X

JennsLolli: Oh, I’m sorry. That answer doesn’t get you any points. Too bad, asshat.

OK!! Who wants to know what the number one answer was when we asked our providers to make believe they were mongers and answer, “What do you do when you cancel a session?”

WE DO! WE DO!

JennsLolli: SURVEY SAYS…

BEG FOR FORGIVENESS – 25

JennsLolli: Well, this is a surprise -- there were only three answers given by the ladies of our studio audience tonight: beg for forgiveness; put the money under the doormat; and pay in full, but leave only half the tip. Five ladies tried to answer, “ALL OF THE ABOVE”, but their votes were disqualified.

So, as we go into the final moments of our second round, the Mongers are leading the Providers 50 to 10!! Ladies, you’ve got some serious catching up to do! Claire, is your team ready to play catch-up?

Claire: Yeah, Jenns – we’re ready. No mongers are going to outsmart us!

JennsLolli: OK, here’s the final survey question! We asked 50 mongers in our studio audience to tell us, “THINGS YOU MIGHT HEAR WHEN YOU’RE NCNS’d”.

Claire, how did they respond?

Claire: Jenns, I’m going to go with “Sorry ‘babe. My mother died.”

Becky GH: Ohhh -- good one! I use that all the time – but you can’t use it more than 2 or 3 times with the same guy. He’ll start to get suspicious…

JennsLolli: Suspicious, huh? OK…SURVEY SAYS…

HER MOTHER DIED – 5

JennsLolli: Well, Claire, it looks like 5 of the mongers in our studio audience went with “Her mother died”. That brings the Providers’ score up to 15, but you’re still lagging the Mongers, who have 50.

Let’s hope that the number 2 member of the Provider team can guess a little better. Becky Goodhead, you’re the NCNS queen -- what are things a monger might hear when he’s NCNS’d?

Becky GH: Oh, this one’s easy! I just text him that I lost his number!

JennsLolli: You text him that you lost his number??

Becky GH: Yeah – you have to text him. If you call him, he’ll know that you still have his number, silly!

JennsLolli: OK – we’re going with “Text him I lost his number”. SURVEY SAYS…

SHE LOST MY NUMBER – 10

JennsLolli: Will wonders never cease! Becky, that answer makes the score 25 to 50, in favor of the mongers. At this point, if you want to win ladies, you have got to guess the monger’s number one answer!!

Temptation Tammie, do you know what the number one answer is to the question, “Things you might hear when you’re NCNS’d?”

T’Tammie: Well, I have an incall, so I can’t use this one – but a couple of the girls who use no-tell motels tell me that they text, “L.E. IN THE PARKING LOT. STAY AWAY!”

Becky GH: Ohh! That’s a good one, too! I use that when I get a better offer from a second guy – it scares the cheapskate off, and you don’t have to change hotels! Smart!!

JennsLolli: Spoken like a true professional! Let’s see what the SURVEY SAYS…

X

JennsLolli: Sorry! That must be an advanced excuse – none of the mongers in our studio audience even thought of that one.

Well, it looks like it all comes down to you, Hunter Grace. If you cannot guess the number one answer to this survey question, then the Monger team is going to win.

What do you think the most popular answer was to the question “Things you might hear when you’re NCNS’d?”

HunterG: SHRIEK!! I don’t know!! Can I phone a friend?

JennsLolli: Uhh…that’s not this show.

HunterG: Well, can I ask the other ladies?

JennsLolli: Sure, knock yourself out…

The ladies huddle, and talk excitedly…and talk…and talk. Finally…

JennsLolli: Ladies, I’m afraid your time is up. Do you have an answer to what mongers most frequently hear when they’re NCNS’d?

HunterG: Ohh, Jenns – we can’t agree. We’ve all got our favorite tricks…err, explanations for why we’re sorry…but we can’t agree on which the mongers like best.

JennsLolli: So you want to go with…nothing? The thing that mongers most typically hear when they’re being NCNS’d is “Nothing”?

JennsLolli (whispers): “I’m trying to help you out here, girl!”

HunterG (whispers): What should I do?

JennsLolli: Well, on your behalf, we’re going to guess that the thing mongers most typically hear when they’re being NCNS’d is “Nothing”. SURVEY SAYS…

CRICKETS – 30

HunterG: Why do they hear crickets? Are they outside?

JennsLolli: Jesus -- you’re just too stupid to win. I guess that I’m going to have to give this to…

THE MONGERS!!

Winning by a score of 50 to 25, our winners tonight are the Monger team. Congratulations, gentlemen!

Johnny, can you tell our Mongers what they have won tonight?

Announcer: Each of our winners gets a deluxe spa package courtesy of the ladies of the ECCIE-Austin Board.

You’ll be treated to an all-expenses paid weekend at Big Dick’s Halfway Inn, located in Austin’s scenic Vagina Triangle, including a deluxe willy-wax and a free doubles session with two of the ladies on the Provider team here tonight!

The Provider contestants walk off the stage…

Claire: Yeah, like that’s gonna happen…

Becky GH: I’m telling you girls – a couple of dabs of dried strawberry jam on your snatch, and the guys run out screaming! AND…they leave the donation behind!!

JennsLolli: Thanks for playing Family Feud – Hobby Edition!!

No fucking way I'm reading all that!

Why was I left out?

WOW! a freaking Shakespeare, or Norman Lear in our midst. epic opus dude. great job. you should be famous....wait.... or ARE YOU?

Incisive Hobby commentary and a ton of laughs.

Thanks for the read, 'Allnighter.

And welcome to the North.

That was better then any review I have read lately!

IB

I read it all! Annnd.. Agree with dez. How do we get an application to become participants on the next one

I read it all! Annnd.. Agree with dez. How do we get an application to become participants on the next one Originally Posted by gingerpie

I hear the line to get in is forming around the block, will be waiting in line in hopes to get on, anyone want to keep me company?

IB

Love it!!!
I actually have had an instance of cops outside my incall once - neighbors were fighting. But I did see a regular in that time frame who was aware of the situation.
Those neighbors are no longer there.

Are you bored?

F'ing fabulous!

Mmmm- mmm-mmm! *shaking my head and smiling*
Aphrodite likey

you got me all wrong!

First of all, I would be two hours late to the game because I had a session that I just had to take (rent was due, of course).

Then when I do show up, I am relieved that the game was over because of my stage fright.

But I still try to put in my two cents by writing answers on post it notes with back handed veiled insults to both my team mates and the mongers that I try to pass as compliments. I try to stick my post it answers to the score board. Then I throw shade to the game show host when the curtain drops because my answers aren't considered nor the points altered. I mean, come on, I RSVP'd my attendance therefore the game should have waited for me to arrive, right?

And BGH would have showed up the next day, there's no way she would have gotten there before me! She would have at least been in communication the whole time saying she's "only fifteen minutes away!" Just playing with you, girlie. You know I loves you lots.

So it would have only been me and Claire playing with the guys. (oops, that should be against the guys. )

Unless it's in a review it never happened

IB