Don't trust Valerie or WU

I don't know, maybe this belongs in the alert section. I'll let the mods decide.

A couple days ago I was sitting on wakeup's patio waiting on my daily ration of celery and carrots when the unimaginable happened. I heard Val tell wakeup she had a craving for bangers and mash. It was kinda funny cuz wakeup started explaining to Val how many calories were in a serving of bangers and mash. I thought she was gonna explode.

Anyway, after a couple of minutes wakeup takes off and I figure he's gonna be gone a while after that stuff. I start scratching on the patio door and lo and behold Val actually comes and lets me in. I'm thinking "Oh hell yeah, I'm gonna get me some now". I've been noticing Val watching me more lately with a pitiful kind of look on her face. She opens the door and picks me up quickly and by the way she's handling me I'm thinking she wants it rough. Damn straight, I'm good to go.

Well, let me tell you. The next thing I know that bitch is putting me in one of those little plastic carries and she's calling someone on the phone and says "I've got that little shit now". I start screaming at the top of my lungs for someone to come get me out, calling her a limey bitch, and cussing wakeup to high heaven. Out comes a fucking squirt bottle and she starts spraying me with water and telling me to shut the fuck up. So I do. I hate a fucking squirt bottle.

A few minutes later wakeup comes back. How he found bangers and mash that quick I'll never know.

So wakeup picks up the fucking cage I'm trapped in and they both proceed to the car. I see the bitch still has the squirt bottle so I know I'm gonna have to try a different plan of escape. I figure if I could cough up a big enough fur ball and piss all over wakeups new car I might get out. I start hacking like hell and sure enough wakeup pulls the car over. Now's my chance.

Wrong. He sticks me in the trunk and tells me if I'm gonna piss anywhere to piss on the dead stripper that's in the trunk with me so maybe it'll cover up the smell. She was pretty ripe so I figured what the hell. It didn't help much but I felt better.

After several more minutes of riding we stop again and wakeup opens the trunk and Val grabs my cage. We're at the fucking vets office. They walk in with me and tell the person that they want to have me de-clawed and neutered.

What...the...fuck...over?

The person at the vets office opens the cage and reaches in to get me. Lucky for me, about that time this lady comes walking in with a heard of chihuahuas making all kinds of noise with their wimpy whining and barking and shit and causes just enough disturbance for me to jump out of the cage and make a break for it just as the door closed behind me.

I ran down the street and jumped into a dumpster at the JITB and I'll be damned if wakeup didn't come dump that dead stripper I pissed on in there with me. Thankfully he was too preoccupied with the dead stripper and Valerie bitching at him to hurry up that he didn't see me in there but I wasn't sure at the time. I'd been hiding in there for a day and a half. I knew it was time to leave when the garbage truck pulled up. Fortunately I didn't see the asshole or the bitch anywhere around. I finally got back home to my cardboard kitty condo out behind Vic and Anthony's about an hour and a half ago, cleaned myself up and decided to write this so none of you other fucktards get taken in by Valeries charms.

Be careful out there.

They must have been celebrating the queens jubilee

You are lucky they did not put you in the burlap bag with the week old tuna and the rocks.

You are lucky they did not put you in the burlap bag with the week old tuna and the rocks. Originally Posted by The2Dogs

Well, I'm glad you weren't around to give them any ideas.

Chock full o' awesome....

LMFAO! Nailed it!

off the hook Hi-larious.

Don't listen to boardman, he'll be back for more... He'd miss my topless cooking too much to stay gone for too long

That was friggin funny

LMMFAO... soab, that is some funny fucked up shit.

Funny

I've read this 4 times and laughed my ass off every time - great stuff Boardman!!

Don't listen to boardman, he'll be back for more... He'd miss my topless cooking too much to stay gone for too long Originally Posted by Valerie

The topless cooking is what drew me in to begin with.

Next time fry me some bacon.

Sadly, we as mods have no control over what people do "off board"..... Rest assured Cat-man..... Should either of them harrass you on this board, the dude will strike with the quickness!

Stay safe my friend!

JaD

Pussy...