SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
About 45 pounds.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
About 45 minutes.

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pr*cks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools Use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him “Sum Ting Wong.”

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They’re hiring.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe.

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this sh*t”

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a new job and a new wife?
In a year, the job will still suck.

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full.

Thanks JA. That's a funny.

What is a married mans idea of happiness?


Finding a picture of Mother in Law on the back of a milk carton

Old School Funny; thanks for the laugh.

Good thread!! Funny stuff!

To those who may be offended by some of those jokes:






Thanks for posting some funny stuff.