As part of an ongoing effort to reveal the truth about God and unlock the secrets of the universe, I have received significant funding from the Dharmic Institute of Cock Knowledge to conduct a comprehensive and exhaustive battery of tests and scientific experiments here in the Rochester area to determine one thing:
Who is this God person anyway?
This rigorous scientific journey will test the popular theory that the human orgasm does, in fact, bring one closer to God. So far, there has only been anecdotal evidence supporting this theory (exempli gratia: repeated exclamations of "Oh, my God!" or "Holy Shit" or "In the name of Jesus Christ, don't stop fucking me" at the moment of climax - regardless of religion affiliation). I know it is incredible, but based on this common-man level of proof, even atheists and agnostics find themselves in conversations with the divine in moments of heated passion.
Yes, those specific religious cries do not meet the scientific burden of proof, but I believe they are consistent enough and global enough to warrant further investigation. If you ask me, and the DICK administrators agree, these patterned occurrences are certainly strong enough to raise at least two questions worth answering:
1. Is God actually listening?
2. Has God ever tried to answer?
With your help and participation, I think my clinical research will reveal several unprecedented truths about The Almighty. Such as:
1. God is, indeed, a Peeping Tom pervert peeking in on people while they are engaged in the most intimate acts of intimacy. Of course, God, himself, makes this confession when he states: "For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them."
2. God likes threesome. The holy trinity is more than just a kinky myth. (And see quote above.)
3. God is a Dom. "For it is written, "AS I LIVE, SAYS THE LORD, EVERY KNEE SHALL BOW TO ME, AND EVERY TONGUE SHALL..." I think we all know the rest of that verse.
4. God likes hookers and slutty women. According to scripture, Mary of Magdelene, a promiscuous woman who at one point had as many as seven demons in her, was the first person to witness Christ the Lord's second coming.
5, No virgin is safe.
Now, you may be wondering, how will my research accomplish such miraculous, unprecedented results? After all, people have been wrestling with these questions and the truth about God and the universe for centuries. How will one modest, scientific man create a breakthrough where so many have failed before him.
The answer is simple. I will ask God himself.
With a dedicated team of skilled research assistants who are willing to roll up their sleeves and get their hands dirty, I will reach the pinnacle of orgasm as many times as possible for as long as possible, and in those moments of divine ecstasy, I will conduct a thorough interrogation of the Lord God Almighty.
Without saying, this project will require significant levels lab time and trained personnel. It's a big job. It won't be easy, but working together, I think we will all discover that many hands make light work.
(Of course, if you are the praying type, anyone who is willing to get down on their knees to support this investigation will also be welcome.)
All are welcome apply, but there is a hands-on screening process in place for determining qualified research assistants. So, if you would like to participate in this breakthrough study, please send a response to this post detailing your interest and experience in similar ventures.
Also, if you have a question you would like God to answer, please list them below.
Thank you for your attention. With so much enthusiasm and interest in this work, I know the truth is within hands reach.