Quickies

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go back to the thrift shop to retrieve all of her clothes.

LMAO Slingerland ...good ones

funnies.....

can you hear me now?


Redneck tree stand



Dont park illegally



No Diving

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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

And for some reason, I immediately thought of Pam!

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who are you look," and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.

Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I first saw you,I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!" However, he was somewhat flattered that he might resemble one of her former lovers.Then again he got a little panicky.

"I don't remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!

He sat in his car, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she was his son's second grade teacher.

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.?"
The husband says "WHAT??"

The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let's get it."

The wife is jumping up and down, she's so excited, she cannot believe what is going on.

She says "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank, "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

A couple were in their bed ready to make love when their four year old son walked in an asked Daddy can I ride on your back, The Dad said no, when the wife told her husband it's OK honey he doesn't know what's going on, so he agreed. As they got in to the throws of passion and the wife started moaning and breathing heavy the little boy said, Daddy you better hold on... yesterday when she did that me and the Milkman both almost hit the floor.

At a retreat for the clergy, a priest a minister and rabbis started talking about conversion. As the event continued their conversation become more of a competition and when the 3 day deep woods retreat was ready to start, they decided to make it a contest. Each of them would go convert a bear.

3 days later when everyone was coming back from the woods, there was Father John with his arm in a sling and bandages on his face and torso. "I found a bear on the first day. He was a black bear and he was nosing in the stream. I began to read to him from the bible but he wanted none of it. Soon we were wrestling and I thought I was a gonner- but I managed to scoop some water out of the stream and baptize him. He became as gentle as a lamb and we prayed the Catechism for the rest of my time in the woods."

Reverend Al was a little worse off. His leg was in a cast and his neck in a brace and he had bandages everywhere. "I went into the woods with the spirit on my to find a bear and I found the meanest grizzly God ever put on this earth. I started to preach the gospels but he wanted none of it and none of me. Luckily as I ran we came to a pond and I turned at the water's edge, grabbed the bear and dragged him into the water, dunking the holdy ghost into him. He became filled with the spirit and we spent the rest of my retreat on our knees in prayer."

The went in search of Rabbi Bloomberg and found him in the camp clinic. His legs and arms were in a cast. His face was a mass of bruises and he was stitched from one end of his body to the other. When they asked him what happened, we weakly said "Oy. You know nothing about conversion until you try to circumcise one of those beasts."