Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

Posted in Houston, Dallas, and Austin Forums...

Please forgive me in advance for venting and for pouring my heart out to all of you strangers in ECCIE land - but I have absolutely no one else to talk to about this. I'm basically in tears as I write this - so if you have no stomach for a weeping man you should stop reading now.

I was long-term lurker on ASPD with perhaps 10 posts over about 10 years. I've hobbied off and on during that time. During that time I justified my hobbying as a way to stay with my wife and kids and still have some form of intimacy and physical contact with women. Sex was (and still is) completely gone from my marriage. My marriage is actually without hugs and kisses. My wife and I don't have ANY physical contact.

My heart and soul is dying due to the absence of any form of physical or emotional intimacy. We are two people with two daughters and a house that just relate to each other about logistics, housekeeping, and who will pick up the girls.

I've thought about divorce (many times) and typically conclude that it would cost more emotionally and financially to do that then to just accept the sexless marriage and spend far less on the hobby.

I've tried all kinds of appeals and suggestions to my wife about increasing our sex and physical intimacy (like kissing for Christ's sake!) without success.

In the past I've have really fun hobby experiences but of late even hobby get together's have been less than stellar (no bell). I feel that somehow I'm not able (any longer) to fool myself into believing that "hobby-fun" is enough. I think I can't cum with a hot provider because I'm sad that my wife does not want to touch me.

I'm at my wits end. I really want to tell her that I've seen providers in the hopes of shocking her into believing that I will destroy the marriage over this issue.

What the hell should I do?

Provider and guy responses welcome. Please be gentle...

I have no idea how to help. I myself am divorced. And quite frankly, this kind of post just makes me glad I am not married. Hang in there Buddy.

So what would happen if you planned a night out for Valentines (or for no reason at all) and just romanced the hell out of her?

1st... don't even mention the Hobby.. She will divorce you and get the kids and it will only turn ugly.. Think sex offender type shit when she talks to the school about you not being able to pick up your own children... Yes it happens..
2nd..Tell her you insist on counceling.. Tell her she HAS to go with you.. You feel the marrage is dead and you feel the need to try.. Follow thru.. Also find a good divorce lawyer.. Make a appointment and go talk.. Divorce is expencive.. and Damn well worth it.. You have one life.. Why waste it in a dead relationship, cut your looses and move on, Your girls will be fine, Might even become closer with them than you are now..
3rd...Do it, get off your ass and do it now, Don't wait for another year to pass you while life slips away...
Another HARD Truth... The Hobby won't fix or fufill what your heart is needing.. You need to find something more then the hobby can give, if your looking for it here, Your doomed to failure
Good Luck
DFWRaven

I have to ask, how old is your wife? If she is in her 30's and 40's and isn't having sex with you, she is most likely having it with someone else (sorry for the brutality of the statement), unless, she just has a psychological disorder. Women in those age ranges are typically considered "in their prime" and I've dated women in those age ranges that are instiable to the point that 3 or 4 times a day isn't enough.

If you decide on divorce leverage always works to your advantage.

Tough spot...hve you tried to win your wife over again....? Try that, like the first time you all met? ave you mentioned divorcing her?

Whatever you do not tell her about the hobby...

Go see your family doctor immediately. Tell him or her what you've told us (minus the hobblying part). Ask to be referred to a psychiatrist. You are likely suffering, among other things, from major depression. When you talk to the psychiatrist, I'd leave out the hobbying details, too, at least until you can talk to a board certified family lawyer.

But don't make any decisions until the antidepressants kick in, and don't mention the hobby to anyone until you have consulted with a family lawyer.

I can relate to your situation. I'm in the same boat. We are trying counseling, if not, the end. There has to be more in life than just paying bills.

I can emphasize with the OP (original poster), but you will find no true happiness in the hobby. Yes the hobby is fun, but in the end - it’s empty.
You need to find another outlet besides something sexual for your passion such as sports (such as golf) , or your life with your kids, or a REAL hobby.

Whatever you decide – remember the hobby is an escape – not a reality.

QUOTE=TexTushHog: "Go see your family doctor immediately. Tell him or her what you've told us (minus the hobblying part). Ask to be referred to a psychiatrist. You are likely suffering, among other things, from major depression. When you talk to the psychiatrist, I'd leave out the hobbying details, too, at least until you can talk to a board certified family lawyer.

But don't make any decisions until the antidepressants kick in, and don't mention the hobby to anyone until you have consulted with a family lawyer."

This is (by far and away) very good advice! Couples counseling would be very good as well and any decent psychiatrist would suggest that too.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the very, very best!

I totally agree with TTH! Your family physician will probably advise her to see her gynocologist to rule out any physical problems with her! If that's not the case, then suggest counseling! If your wife is unwilling to see a therapist with you, then you go alone! The therapist is there to help you decide what to your next step may be!

Living in a sexless marriage is very unhealthy! We were put on this earth to have sex and enjoy it, not just to procreate!

Good luck to you and we are all here for you! Please keeps us updated!

The hobby is an empty resolution.......no long term answer here at all; it's all just temporary fun, or should be.

Your situation is not uncommon, yet there are probably multiple issues going on that no one here can really advise you how to resolve. My advice is to tell your wife that you want both of you to seek professional marital counseling. If she resists, then tell her you are going by yourself, and be sure and do it. You'll get something out of it, if only a more clear picture of the situation and your options. It will help you emotionally. Eventually, your wife may come around and join you (when she sees you are really concerned and making an honest effort). If not, that will also be a telling signal of where she is in the process, and may make your decision easier.

By all means, do not tell her about your hobby experience. That will only clear your conscience for about 10 seconds, and then you will be on the road to hell forever.

Fuck that. If you can afford it, hobby on! Most men need physical affection. I totally feel for the quandary you find yourself in.

Get counseling for you. Then see if she will join you.

I feel for you and I know where you are at. Love and marriage take a lot of work and even one person can hold a relationship together for a long time. In my case I finally got to the point of, have I done everything I can to make this work. Divorce is a very hard decision and is emotionally draining, but I am convinced a loveless marriage is worse.

Take the advice above, romantic dinners, see a doctor etc.... do all that you can. If it doesnt work, be prepared for your own sanity to step away and move on. I have no doubt your shared misery doesnt make for the best homelife for anyone. Either way you may find you dont even need to hibby at all. Best of luck to you, just remember if you do all that you can and it doesnt work, you havent failed, she has.

Go see your family doctor immediately. Tell him or her what you've told us (minus the hobblying part). Ask to be referred to a psychiatrist. You are likely suffering, among other things, from major depression. When you talk to the psychiatrist, I'd leave out the hobbying details, too, at least until you can talk to a board certified family lawyer.

But don't make any decisions until the antidepressants kick in, and don't mention the hobby to anyone until you have consulted with a family lawyer. Originally Posted by TexTushHog

Good advice here. I'm in the same situation, but not as extreme as yours. I would try to get counseling. If that is a dead end, divorce. I've always believed that life it too short to "settle". I would not ever mention the hobby though...EVER.