Some of these are repeats...

Wife says to husband, “If you start riding that new bicycle I bought for you to work, we can get rid of the second car.”
He replies, “If you take it up the ass and let me cum on your face, we can get rid of the nanny!”
______________________________ ______________________

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
______________________________ ______________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
______________________________ ______________________

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
______________________________ ________________________

Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
______________________________ ______________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
______________________________ ______________________

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
______________________________ ______________________

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
______________________________ _______________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

LMAO Good ones Tryn!

Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded ... watching me. Is she a pervert?

Dear Dr. Phil,








When I retired, I could hardly wait to

spend time enjoying my favorite pastime

-- bass fishing. I got my own little fishing

boat and tried to get my wife to join

me, but she just never liked fishing.






Finally, one day at the Bait & Tackle Shop,

I got to talking to Sam, the shop owner,

who it turned out loves bass fishing

as much as I do.. We quickly became

fishing buddies. As I said, the wife doesn't

care about fishing. She not only refuses

to join us, but she always complains that

I spend too much time fishing.




A few weeks ago, Sam and I had the

best fishing trip ever. Not only did

I catch the most beautiful bass you've

ever seen, only a few minutes later

Sam must have caught his twin brother!





So I took a picture of Sam holding up

the two nice bass that we caught and

showed the picture to the wife hoping

that maybe she'd get interested.

Instead she says she doesn't want me

to go fishing at all anymore! And she

wants me to sell the boat! I think

she just doesn't like to see me enjoying

myself. What would you do? Tell the

wife to forget it and continue my

hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat

as she insists?




Thanks,




Fishing Fool




P.S. Enclosed is a picture of Sam

with the two bass we caught.










Dear Fishing Fool,


Get rid of that narrow-minded wife.


That's a couple of really nice bass!


Dr.Phil

Dear Dr. Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded ... watching me. Is she a pervert? Originally Posted by Slammer321

Dear Slammer,
If she'd sunbathe topless for your neighbors husband you'd be even-steven.

Dear Slammer,
If she'd sunbathe topless for your neighbors husband you'd be even-steven. Originally Posted by Sweet N Little

Lol, I guess I need to take u
p fishing

I don't know how u-p got separated