If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly as you keep trying to desperately rub one out.
If you are co-dependent, please ask her to press 2 after she sucks you off.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6 to get multiple providers, one to suit each one of yours.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. We'll be calling you back on the throwaway hobby phone.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. Then you argue with the crazy idiot which number you'd rather press instead.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer anyway. Try to PM her instead, give her something tragic and pathetic to laugh at you about.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is staring at your crotch and is about to bite your dick off.
And an extra bit of advice here, “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
