(WARNING: RANT-LIKE SYMPTOMS BELOW)
So for those that recognize my username you know I'm that bloke that came on the scene a few days or weeks back, and said, "I finally grew a pair" and joined eccie to experience a more...fulfilling and adventurous...hobbyist experience. Also that I'm the same dude that's self conscious about his lengthy, often exploratory and sermonized responses (as I am being self-conscious about this thread right now). Truth be told, despite not having much play as of yet (and not b/c of declines from providers mind you...read on!), I've already have come to enjoy the many wonderful stories, engaging dialogues, and wisdom shown from my short time here.
Anyway, finally. The point. I have a...tendency to delay my encounters with a provider that has claimed my hunger. I suppose it's because I'm rather...particular about who I see. Not based on looks/menu options/prices because, let's be real now, there's a sizable buffet of delightful choices streaming daily around here. And nearly all the forbidden fruits look too damned good to be attainable (lol, AND some of them ARE, at least to me in fact). More or less, I want to be sure. I'm indecisive at times. If it's the right match, the right time, to maximum my pleasure and enjoyment from the upcoming experience. I overthink. I over-analyze. I want to be more comfortable with the lady, have more of a sense that we're contacting on a deeper plane (lol, that doesn't make any sense, but I sorta think that way), and sure this lady will blend well with my unique nature (...as I'm demonstrating clearly in this thread).
I guess you can say, I'm a mixture of strong, latent/repressed sexual urges and impulses mixed with a natural introverted-ness, shyness, meekness, good-guy natured-ness, which combined create an almost comic self-inflicted tragedy. What I'm trying to say (and failing miserably) is that it's in the title of this thread. I'm a Beta. Beta man. I don't see myself nor am I this mucho, super rich, super confidence, super knowledge-able, incredibly vigorous, super stamina and size induced, f&*#ing master, that many portray themselves as on here, and in fact, probably are as one part or another. They are Alphas. The high school studs, super smart, athletic jocks, and connected classmen that could always find or get the girl he wants. I'm considerably different. I'm the Beta. The friendly geek or nerd, the boy next door, stuck in friend mode and couldn't 'close' the deal.
To you providers, I'm that client who would wants to get real comfortable with you before doing anything, who wants a complete sensual and intimate experience BEFORE actual sex. To be slow and methodical than rushing and animalistic. More lovey-dovey romantic than a re-interaction of pornstars. I like being seduced. I like the foreplay, cuddling, kissing, talking, teasing, laughing, gentle smiles and touches, dominance and submission to wills, pretending to be lovers when in fact all we BOTH are clients to one another providing a particular kind of service. I'm not so foolish that I'm trying to find a mate/partner in all this, as they say...make a housewife out of a....well you know; never ever would call a provider that (barring role-playing of course), guess cuz I think the word's ugly for such pretty women on here (ha, see what I did there!). But, is it foolish for me to want a pseudo-connection with a provider before a physical one? To pretend and fall victim to the farce that is our union, the fantasy and the lie?
I'm guessing so.
I reason apart of my problem is I'm a bit too old-fashioned. Perhaps due to my weird combination of conservative upbringing, conventionalized animation romance- think Disney- and a very active imagination. And despite being younger than a lot of the seasoned veterans on this board, maybe in my sick mind, I enjoy the playful chase and somewhat twisted courtship I do, hence the delays and dragging things out before really wanting or needing to make a move. I know based on my earlier experiences in hobby land, I need to be more assertive in saying this is what I want in my appointments right away. But then again. I can't even get to that point when it takes me so long to really make up my mind to see this one or that one! And when I'm really ready and desiring to pull the trigger/set something up, zero-ing in on the lady, by the time I'm really ready I've burnt all my credit, the bridge, and lost all interest/connection with the girl...*sigh* So frustrating knowing this about yourself and not being able to avoid it.
I know I'm sure going to catch hell, get a lot of flack for being so open, honest, and emotional in all this, and probably receive a lot of responses ridiculing me, telling me to grow up, be a man, stop whining, get out there, etc. etc. and perhaps that's exactly what I really need to hear and do to maximize my enjoyment and chances with this site and its very beautiful, intelligent, refined, sexually mature women. But I wondered as I debated in posting this...can I really obtain maximum enjoyment here being someone I'm not? Is it worth putting up a façade when your heart and desire isn't really in it? Can I mimic/become like every other successful hobbyist on this board? Or can I be true to myself, be patient, and discover providers that can tolerate this about me? Or do I just need listening on conducting "business" around here? Does anyone wish to comment. Can anyone understand it? What I'm asking or trying to express/emote? I was wondering what the input on this crazy admission would be. What advice, guidance, help anyone could provide. Perhaps a slap in the face to toughen me up.
That was a weak smile. I'm a little bummed right now, by my antics. I know I'm too overly sensitive and apologetic for my own good around here. But I guess I thought this was as worthy a first posting (and timely) as I could muster right now. And since what inspired me to post this was a "perceived" rejection from a provider I was "courting" the last few days (waiting on me, and nothing else stopping us really), I just don't want to burn anymore bridges or push anymore of you wonderfully sweet providers away from me before I can really show you how good of a guy I can be (and NOT in bed) while providing your generous tokens of course
. I'm not willing or able at this time to simply pull the trigger as fast or spend as frequently as some can or will here. And maybe that's my tragic flaw...Well,
*STRIPS AND PLACES BULLSEYE IN FRONT OF ME*
FIRE AWAY ladies and gentlemen.
I'm sure I'll at least gain something out of this (though I'm not quite sure what? new outlook, wisdom, sympathy, a universal ban from all providers reading this due me ratting out MYSELF on my own my antics! lol. sounds right. I won't delete this due to my honest desire to see the responses. Sigh* Not easy being....
btw, and I promise this is the last thing I will say (absolutely I'll response to this later in the evening or weekend or what not...but will shut up after this...), but I wanted to be sure to do this before I ended this monster; to at the very least say to ALL THE PROVIDERS I've contacted, got the "ok" then did as I previously described above sabotaging myself...well, being me....I'M SORRY. I never meant to give an impression of "playing around," "dragging you along," "wasting time," or just all talk/no action. You know who you are. Many from the ads I've seen ads for and thread postings I've admired. I'm not asking for a second chance. I'm not even asking for a 1st to many I haven't contacted but might in my quest to hobby on. This is all apart of being that way too nice and sensitive guy. Being such is a curse, let me tell you. I wish I could be more like many on this board. Damn near anyone. But myself.
As I always try to do when posting, I really wish you all have a wonderful weekend, have fun, be safe, and get some $$$/enjoyment. Newbies out there. Trust me. Don't repeat my mistakes. Don't be a pathetic bother to these fine ladies. Don't be a nutcase loser like me. Really.
