I need help

I tried asking this in the retard board but those reprobates were no help.

I am in HUGE trouble and I don't know what to do.

I am obese. But I found that using Herbalife, I am losing weight.

Then I hit the Jackpot. My herbalife dealer is also a working girl. So I meet up with her and fill two needs at once. Life is good.

Last week, I had sone deer meat that was about to go bad so I made Big Jake's "I promise this chili is so good that your neighbor will get the shits" chili. I get thrown out of the home depot, but that is another story.

Anyways on the way to the casa de Big Jake, I stop off to get some herbalife and pussy. Well i am mid stroke when the pains hit way down in my gut. I toss her off my huge cock and run/waddle to the shitter.

Well I drop what us professional shitters like to call a gut blaster. It hit so hard that I felt the cool relief from the splash back. Since I'm not in real danger of exploding I ho ahead and finish dropping the kids at pool. I'm looking for something to read and boom there is my girl's phone.

I look my name up to see if she has anything to say about her big papi, and there is my wife's name and number. Now mrs big Jake is what we would call "not petite" and bi. So now I am wondering if MBJ is buying pussy or herbalife from this girl.

That night I'm getting into bed and mbj asks why my ass is blue. WTF, this girl has so much cleaner in the shitter. It must have stained my ass cheecks. So now I have a cheating fat wife, a decietful herbalife selling girlfriend and a major case of the smurf swamp ass. FML.

What do I do? Please help me.

ask for a 3-way

Paint your ass cheeks whatever color they were before

Damn that telltale (or is it tattletale?) blue water!

White Asses can quickly become discolored from crap tracks, explosive farts, dirt, grime and toilet bowl waters. Fortunately, there are a variety of ways to remove the grime and return them to white once again.

You Will Need:

• Cleaning product:
  • Clorox Bleach
  • All-purpose cleaner
  • Purple Power
  • SOS pads
  • Simple Green
• Stiff wire brush or Scrubbing pad (ex: Scotch Brite)

Steps to Clean the Ass and returning it to a natural bright white.:

1. Begin by selecting your cleaning product. These are readily available in most automotive departments as well as automotive supply stores. Household products are often effective as well, just ensure they are safe for the ass and will not result in early wear.
2. Spray the cleaner directly onto the ass or apply it to the scrubbing pad first. Be sure to spread the cheeks and dig in deep to insure no left over residue can seep back out.
3. Now, it just takes some elbow grease and time. Scrub the debris from the ass.
4. Rinse frequently with water and bleach to check your progress.
5. Reapply the cleaner as needed and rinse the scrubbing pad frequently as well.
6. Once the ass is clean, rinse thoroughly with water and dry.

Additional Tips and Advice

• Though cleaners such as Comet work well, they can dry out the ass which can lead to early wear. Choose cleaners carefully and ensure they are safe for the ass.
• For the easiest cleaning, keep on top of the ass, cleaning it every week or two. These frequent cleanings will allow for shorter, easier cleaning times in the future.\

The above technique worked well for me. The only thing I might add is baby powder.... I like a freshly powderd hiney....


You may need some help with the above depending on just how obese you are. Can you actually reach your ass? If not you should call Wayward and get him to meet you at one of those Industrial High Pressure Car Washes..... I'm sure he would assist you in getting into those hard to reach spots with the High Pressure Spray Wand and the Soapy Brush....



Regarding your other problem with the wife and your puss needs...... I too suffer from being overly round.....

I'm too lazy to make trips to Herbalife dealers so I found DietGourmet... www.dietgourmet.com

A hot little college coed delivered my food twice a week and I corrupted her into providing on her twice weekly visits.... I checked her phone and my wife's name was not in it but I did find a "Mrs JAKE" using all big letters for the JAKE.... I'm sorry if that brings you more pain.

personally... If my wife is getting some puss on the side I'm OK with it. So long as I don't have to know about it or pay for it...

Sorry you have to deal with this...we all know how hard it is to find out that the special lady in your life is seeing someone else..... It hurts.... Don't dump her though... It's hard to find a decent looking diet food peddler....


If neither of the above work well for you then fabricate and article from the Medical Journal of the dangers of Blue Balls spreading to the entire body due to a lack of nookie and maybe the wife will agree to "suck the poison" out of your body through the penis... Be sure the fabricated article explains the need for total shaft engulfment..... This worked for me once on that naive wench that was my first wife..... Warn that if left untreated and it spreads she will be standing next to Papa Smorf at all the family functions you have to attend together throughout the year.

Maybe you can negotiate a quantity discount on both the pussy and the Herbalife.

Where is BE3AG? This one would be right up her alley.

Find yourself a better-class working girl; one who doesn't have to supplement their income by selling Herbalife; one who will "work the pounds off of you" as opposed to selling you a dietary supplement. To offset the increased donation that goes along with a more 'upscale' provider, sell your blue, ass cheek-stamp printed sheets as art on Ebay. You can call them Big Jake's Certified Wreaky Sheets (or something snazzy like that)

As far as your wife...kiss her, love her, and remind her each day just how lucky she is for having your goat-smelling, chili-eating, blue-stained ass in her life.

This thread is not funny.

said the OASPDBB with the stained ass

I'm now waiting for the "don't dump in my incall" threads to start.

I am offended that you don't find my thread funny. I can't believe you said that. What an ugly thing to say.

Where is that rtm button? If only there was w thread showing me the way to report this.

[ame="http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=23873"]The RTM Button - ECCIE-Escort Review Database[/ame]

hit the button. They will make the bad man behave!

Me too sph me too.

I get thrown out of the home depot, but that is another story. Originally Posted by Big Jake

What's up with that? I've seen the strangest goings-on at Home Depot in the last few weeks.

Several days ago as I was hurriedly searching for some of those screw-in hooks with which to hang something from the ceiling (another story!), this cutie-pie comes running down the aisle out of breath, saying some fat-fuck was expelling gaseous flatulations the next aisle over, preventing her from purchasing the Home Depot generic blue-water tablets, which were on sale, by the way. She said to her female friend, "Jakette, who was that guy stinkin up the place?"

Jakette replied, "I dunno, Sofie, but he could damn sure use some Herbalife to clear up that problemo!"

As I was leaving I saw them speaking with someone who looked like Elvis (the sunglasses and hair was the clue) cruising the parking lot, apparently hitting on the hot chicks leaving Home Depot. Being the ever-vigilant good citizen I am, I immediately called HPD and reported that a suspicious-looking character driving an old, beat-up, pink Mary Kay Cadillac, license plate rr6969, was up to no good and should be investigated.

Ya never know what's gonna happen at Home Depot!

... And ya'll complain about Sofia's threads...

I just crapper myself laughing