Discretion challenged by crazy run-ins

I've been thinking about an interesting question of discretion.

Have you ever been on a date, in a city far far away where you were a complete stranger - and someone from either parties personal life turns the corner?

It's happened to me a couple of times. None of these moments ended in disaster. We were some place he thinks he's safe and then a co-worker, someone from the neighbourhood, a friend of a friend runs into us.

In one instance a gent from the US came up to see a concert with me in Montreal and a work associate was there and undoubtedly noticed us. We had been drinking and were very affectionate, so he had to take the guy aside and talk to him. In another case we were walking together silently, when his family friends came up to say hello out of the blue (fortunately I could just keep walking like I didn't know him). It's even happened when we've traveled over seas. These moments are rare, and statistically almost impossible - but it's a mobile world.

So thinking on this topic I realized a new problem for me. Theoretical situation: I have a mistress arrangement with someone in a city, and one day I happen to take another date in that same city. Me and the new date are walking down the street holding hands, and a co-work of my "husband" (as I jokingly call them), spots us and calls him to declare I'm "having an affair". How weird would that be?

So I'm starting to contemplate the wisdom of taking dates in the same city as a long running arrangement. I've spoken to them about it and they don't seem concerned - but I've become a little paranoid after those experiences. I don't want to ruin the peaceful state of a good thing by random freak chance.

It is amazing where you can run into people you know from back home. I've had it happen in London, Paris, Munich, the Caribbean, and dozens of cities across the U.S. In restaurants, in stores, in museums, walking down the street, getting off elevators, etc. One reason I do all my hobbying behind closed doors.

The chance of running into an acquaintance in their home town may higher, but it still happens elsewhere. Like TTH I have run into acquaintances all over the world, particularly in travel hubs; both business (eg. Chicago), and holiday (eg. St. Petersburg).
Still weird to be reported on from some far away place.
Perhaps a disguise would be better

Just last week I was away from home and out to dinner with a lady. As we were seated I noticed some I knew from many years ago sitting a short distance away from us. My back was to him and he did not recognize me. It does go to show that no place is completely safe in that sense.

On July 4, I was in Washington DC, in the Metro, at night, heading for the fireworks on the Mall. I was wearing a T-Shirt that displayed the Texas state flag.

Metro cars are packed to the gills. Lady next to me asks, "Where in Texas?"

"Way South," I say.

"Me, too," she says. And proceeds to pin me down.

Turns out she grew up in the church where my SO's parents attend, knows my SO.

Now that's freaky scary. Never laid eyes on her before or since.

As they said in the TV show, "Let's be careful out there."

[BTW, I think if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. Taking precautions may be wise, but overly worrying about it defeats the joy of life.]

[BTW, I think if it's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. ] Originally Posted by charlestudor2005

Advice from a man? with a self-described 16% satisfaction rate:mfr_lol :

The world is incredibly small. And, let's face it, a guy you are likely to be seeing has likely achieved some degree of success in his life. And that success often comes at the price of having a much wider range of people who know the person by sight.

At the same time, these risks can be managed. I'd hate to see you turning down otherwise qualified clients simply because of where they live. As you tend to prefer long-running arrangements; with some running as long as 9 years -- following the policy of avoiding cities where you have such arrangements could quickly leave you out of options.

As long as the men with whom you have long-term arrangements are aware of your polygamous situation (and knowing your ethics I am certain that they are aware); the fact that someone might give them a call shouldn't be a big problem.

A bigger problem is when their sister-in-law sees you with them and tells the wife.

But you are a very very well-read woman and can easily play just about any professional role convincingly. As long as public displays of affection are avoided, you could be passed off as a professional colleague in any realm.

Perhaps a disguise would be better Originally Posted by terbul

Me thinks that is why TTH is so recognizable the world over.

Many years ago I was at a resort hotel near Phoenix on an extended trip. I had settled down in the lounge area with a very pleasant young lady I had seen a couple of times before. We were grabbing a little pizza and conversation before we retired for the night.

About half way through the pizza she learned over to me and whispered, "There's a woman at the bar who keeps staring over here."

I paused, discretely turned, and glanced over at the bar to see . . . my wife.

Now, for most guys this is an "OH SHIT" moment that usually ends with a large object wedged in one's least comfortable orifice. Mrs. Mazo and I, however, have always had a "special" relationship when it comes to the hobby. The moment I made eye contact with her she busted out laughing like she was at a George Carlin show.

Turned out that Mrs. Mazo had flown in to surprise me for the weekend and had just happened to arrive at the perfect moment to find me in fragrante delico with a seafood pizza and the young lady in question. It was then that I had one of the choice moments of my life: I turned to the young lady and said, while laughing my own ass off, "Oh, don't worry. That's just my wife."

I tried to explain the situation to the poor girl - who obviously thought she was being set up for something - but she was just too wigged out by it all to deal with it. Mrs. Mazo produced her airline ticket to show that she had indeed just arrived and that it wasn't some sort of rigged encounter. Despite everything we said, though, the girl just couldn't handle it. My wife tried for about 15 minutes to convince her to stay the weekend/night/hour/just dinner with us but there was no chance. In the end we just handed over the envelope, thanked her, apologized profusely, and watched her walk away shaking her head.

I'm not sure if that was a life changer for me and the Mrs. but it did seem to have a potent effect on my original companion for the evening. I don't know if it caused her to gain or lose faith in humanity. All I can do is repeat her last words to us as she walked away: "You two are some seriously different people."

She seems to have departed the business shortly after and I never found her again.

Cheers,
Mazo.

At the same time, these risks can be managed. I'd hate to see you turning down otherwise qualified clients simply because of where they live. As you tend to prefer long-running arrangements; with some running as long as 9 years -- following the policy of avoiding cities where you have such arrangements could quickly leave you out of options. Originally Posted by Laurentius

I'm not really worried about running out of options - I can only manage 3-4 arrangements at a time. So at most there will be a small number of cities I can't take new dates in.

As long as the men with whom you have long-term arrangements are aware of your polygamous situation (and knowing your ethics I am certain that they are aware); the fact that someone might give them a call shouldn't be a big problem.

A bigger problem is when their sister-in-law sees you with them and tells the wife.

They're single - there is no wife to fear. My longest running long term relationships have been with single men who have no desire to remarry. Thus, they can introduce me to friends and co-workers without any complication or need to explain me away.

Though the gentlemen are aware of my polyamory (after all they know I'm a provider), I'm much more concerned about causing any social embarrassment for him. He may be fine with my running around town with other men, but if his friends see me with another guy, he will be dishonoured in the eyes of his more traditional social network.

So I may have to turn down the opportunity for a date, however (and maybe I'm wrong) I think this is part of investing into the relationship. They do a lot to invest into me, maintain my comfort and security. I think out of an honour code I am obliged to do right by him.

That new opportunity may get me a single date, or a few more in the future if we click. However, what are the chances he'll stay for years and be a pillar of support for me? Finding the type of guy who really enjoys and takes pride in a mistress relationship is like winning the lottery. Regular dates aren't a rarity, a man who I can adore as a friend and lover and who will gladly support me is nearly irreplaceable. In a 10 year career I've met only 5.

I don't really know anything with any experience with this fashion of companionship so I feel like an awkward little bird trying to figure out how to flutter her wings. Maybe it's a bit excessive, but at the moment it seems worth the great lengths to nurture and protect something like that.

Ah ... I see where you are coming from now.

There are issues of protecting your date's image in the eyes of his peers, reciprocity, maintenance of pillars of support, etc.

I can't disagree with you even slightly; and fully agree that protecting and nurturing these longer-term pillars of support is job 1.

And it isn't just their financial investment. I don't care if a guy is absolutely made out of money; if he is investing it in your ongoing support it isn't merely gratuitous -- he is also invested in you in other ways.

Your attitude and approach to this are, IMO, singularly impressive. These gentlemen have good taste.

I'm not really worried about running out of options - I can only manage 3-4 arrangements at a time. So at most there will be a small number of cities I can't take new dates in.

They're single - there is no wife to fear. My longest running long term relationships have been with single men who have no desire to remarry. Thus, they can introduce me to friends and co-workers without any complication or need to explain me away.

Though the gentlemen are aware of my polyamory (after all they know I'm a provider), I'm much more concerned about causing any social embarrassment for him. He may be fine with my running around town with other men, but if his friends see me with another guy, he will be dishonoured in the eyes of his more traditional social network.

So I may have to turn down the opportunity for a date, however (and maybe I'm wrong) I think this is part of investing into the relationship. They do a lot to invest into me, maintain my comfort and security. I think out of an honour code I am obliged to do right by him.

That new opportunity may get me a single date, or a few more in the future if we click. However, what are the chances he'll stay for years and be a pillar of support for me? Finding the type of guy who really enjoys and takes pride in a mistress relationship is like winning the lottery. Regular dates aren't a rarity, a man who I can adore as a friend and lover and who will gladly support me is nearly irreplaceable. In a 10 year career I've met only 5.

I don't really know anything with any experience with this fashion of companionship so I feel like an awkward little bird trying to figure out how to flutter her wings. Maybe it's a bit excessive, but at the moment it seems worth the great lengths to nurture and protect something like that. Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill