Change the locations (states/countries) and these could apply to anywhere
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A guy from Newfoundland is sitting at the bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
The Newfoundlander explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!''
The Newfoundlander smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's running about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink???
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I saw a guy from West Virginia the other day wearing only one sock.
I said "Hey hick! Did you lose a sock?"
He goes, "Nope. Found one!"
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Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.
When the results of the French study were released, Ireland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Irish study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
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Tobin's wife passed away so Tobin called 911. The 911 operator tells him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
Tobin replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Tobin says, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, President Bush?" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie up 'ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cover, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you eh!"
"Well Archie," George replies, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "There is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbour Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
George paused. "I must tell you Archie, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Holy jeez," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day Archie called again. "Mr. Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" George asks.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."
President Bush sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord T'underin' Jaysus, bye," said Archie, "I'll be gettin' back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. "President Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four byes from the Legion have joined us as well!"
George was silent for a moment then cleared his throat. "I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jeysus, Mary and Joseph," said Archie, "I'll have ta call youse back."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. "President Bush! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said George. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed two million prisoners."