Too Raunchy For Nerve*

A few years back I had a shot at a freelence writing gig for the "progressive" sex-site, Nerve.com. If my submission was accepted I would have received a check for around 300 bucks so I really put some time and thought into this essay, which turned out to be one of the best things I've ever written, and it really should have been a no-brainer to accept it and publish on their website, but it was turned down because it was "too scary".

Top Ten Sex Moves of 2005

1. The Casey Jones -This one might just have your girl chanting, only it won’t be, “I think I can, I think I can”, it’ll be more like “Oh my God, I’m gonna, oh my God, I’m gonna… ”. Like missionary, with the man up on his knees, but with the couple’s hands locked onto each other's wrists, and instead of leaning over her, you lean back like you’re pulling on the reins of a rodeo horse. Yank your lady's wrists towards you with each pelvic thrust, chugging away and gaining momentum like a locomotive train. Or like sumo, but with pulling instead of pushing, a sexy tug-of-war, and you both win in the end. Using her body’s momentum to snap back like that will ease up on muscle tension that can lead to leg cramps I’ve experienced from vigorous use of the Ritter method, and allow for faster, lengthier, more rhythmic motion, which will maximize your lady's orgasm. She will have a look of complete shock by the time you’re finished.

2. The John Ritter –Also known as, The Jackhammer. The delivery is a lot like The Casey Jones method, with similar results, but more strength and endurance is required from the man. The Ritter method is basically like missionary, with your lady’s legs spread wide, and your hands resting on her knees. The technique is one of rapid thrusts propelled by your hips and legs, using your lady’s knees and legs to balance your weight up and down, creating a nice, fast rhythm. This is no marathon; this is a sprint. Be a cheetah. Pummel her like there’s no tomorrow. With focused rhythm, properly applied, you can have your lady convulsing in orgasmic bliss within 20 to 30 seconds. A good mattress with lots of bounce helps as well. Not recommended for men or women with heart conditions

3. The Thrill Ride –Also known as Magic Mounting. This method leaves a lot of room for imagination and creativity, but skill is the key. Start with any surefire, mid tempo method that gets your lady on the verge of an undulating orgasm, and then at her most vulnerable point, catch her by surprise and switch your position, flipping her over mid-orgasm onto her side or back and drive yourself deeper and faster into her, turning your hips in a circular motion. If your skills are on target, she will have multiple orgasms at this point, with the sensation of having taken a wild ride on a twisting, turning rollercoaster.

4. The Pile Driver–This spicy move is popular in a lot of hardcore porn these days. A straight surface like the edge of a bed, or a couch, is helpful, but not necessary, and the use of a pillow beneath your lady’s neck will make this more comfortable for her. The Pile Driver is accomplished by balancing your lady on the back of her head, with her back pointed straight up, and legs spread real wide. Make sure your cock is rock hard, hold it straight down, position yourself right above her, then plunge away at a nice mid tempo pace like you’re drilling for oil. This is fun from all angles, whether you’re facing down at her, with your back to her, or even sideways. Try slowly pulling all the way out and sliding it all the way in for dramatic effect.

5. The Battering Ram –Make sure your lady is good and wet before applying this technique. It can be done missionary, or doggy. It’s all in the hips and all about the thrust. Go slow. Go deep. I think the name says the rest.

6. The Exorcist –This move is achieved gloriously by applying The John Ritter or the Casey Jones methods, but taking them to a higher level, by getting so much bounce in the act that the two of you are catching air off the mattress! In no time, your lady will be speaking in tongues like Linda Blair, and when you’re finished she will look like she has seen Jesus.

7. Tectonic Plates –Have your lady lay flat on her stomach, and mount her from the top, but with your body turned the opposite direction, facing her ankles. Place your hands on her hips or her ankles and rock back and forth. You will amaze her with your creativity.

8. Reverse Cowgirl–This one has your lady on top, but with her back to you. For added visual stimulation, grab each of her ass cheeks and spread them wide while she rides you. Right before she comes, slip a finger up her ass.

9. The Man From Atlantis- As Madonna sang, “Get into the groove.” This one is all about the flow. Imagine your body is like a slow motion whip, and your girl is the fist that grips you. Now move like Aqua Man through the ocean.

10. Doggy Style- Yes, good old fashion doggy style. Though it requires little imagination, like anything else, it’s all in your rhythm and your delivery. If you find yourself running out of steam and need to wrap things up, this should be the position that will give you surefire climactic results.

11. *Bonus Move!- The Decathalon - All of the above.

(Author’s note) Sexual maneuvers of this caliber take years of practice and I do not recommend this sort of stuff for the inexperienced noob. Plus I'm an Aquarius.

wow...sounds fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya could ALWAYS just daty... got me ALMOST every time ..annie