Still Looking escorts St. Christopher into the bar of Big Dick’s Halfway Inn, and they look for a table for lunch. SL sees Claire She Blows sitting at a booth in the corner. He nods in greeting, almost imperceptibly, and she nods back -- equally minimally. There is no love lost between these two.
The booth is dark, and the blinds behind the occupants are closed. DONA CLAIRE – the Don of the Pussy Mafia, one of Austin’s 5 hoogar families – sits with NIKKI WHITE, who presses herself back into the darkest shadows. Everyone thinks that NIKKI has moved to California and given up hobbying -- but the truth is that DONA CLAIRE has made NIKKI her Consigliere, CLAIRE’s most trusted advisor on PMS matters (that’s the Pussy Mafia Society – assholes!).
Both ladies are sipping glasses of chilled Chardonnay.
Nikki White: Dona Claire, we need to talk about this Sollozzo business. Sollozzo’s new agency, School Girls by Jazleen, is cutting into our action on the South Side. SGBJ has Still Looking’s support, and the help of his crew, “The Spinners”.
Dona Claire: We have time. We still have the support of at least two of the other five Austin families – the OIOs, and the Silent Ones.
Nikki White: Yeah, but if Sollozzo wins the support of The Backpage Girls for his new venture, our action will be threatened. SL will fari vagnari a pizzu…
Dona Claire: SL always wants to ‘wet his beak’ – it’s why they call him Still Looking. I know you want me to respond to Sollozzo’s request for a meet, but the time is not right. Let me get through graduating these newbies. Once I have them under my spell, you can set up a meet for the next South Side Social…
The ladies’ business is interrupted by a polite cough. They look up and see a tall, statuesque and beautiful black woman -- Ebony Jasmine Love. She has asked Nikki White to help her to see the Godfather, Dona Claire. Jasmine has a problem, and she needs help. We tune back into the conversation in progress…
Jasmine Love: …I learned the Hobby in the Austin tradition, and it has made my fortune -- but I learned never to dishonor my family.
I picked up a boy not associated with our family -- a newbie. We stayed out late, and I took him back to my incall. He gave me whiskey, and then he took advantage of me!
Dona Claire: Do you mean he had sex with you?
A bemused smile crosses Jas’s lovely face. She spreads her arms, and strikes a seductive pose.
Jasmine Love: Claire, baby girl – ain’t no boy comes to my yard that doesn’t want a taste of this milkshake!
What I mean is, when I went to the bathroom to get him a nice warm washcloth afterwards, he picked up his donation envelope and removed everything but $40 dollars from it. $40 dollars! I gave him a night of unparalleled ecstasy – and he expects me to accept $40?? I can’t live with the shame…
Jas is weeping now. She can barely speak.
Jasmine Love: …like a good Hobby girl, I took my complaint to the ECCIE Board, to the Cheap Bastards Club. A private hearing was arranged, and this boy was called to answer for himself. Whispers sentenced him to pay the full $500 for the evening -- but then suspended the sentence! I stood in the hearing room, clutching my $40 like a fool!
Whispers winked at him, and he laughed! Then I knew – this boy was pledged to join the Cheap Bastards family! Those sonsabitches!
I told him that he should be a man and pay the $400! He said he would make a negative post about me in the MEN’S LOUNGE…and if I pushed this any further, he would put a “NO!” review in INDEPENDENT PROVIDER REVIEWS.
A “NO” review on me?? What would happen to my history of 100% “YES” reviews? My advertising -- “THIS GIRL HAS A REPUTATION WITH THE BOYS!”?? This is so unfair!
…and at that moment, I knew: for Justice, I must go to Dona Claire.
Dona Claire: Jasmine Love, we know each other for years, but this is the first time you come to me for help. I can't remember the last time you invited me to your house for espresso with a little sugar from your bowl – even though we are supposed to be friends, and I am Godfather to your cat.
Jasmine Love: Please help me, Dona Claire! I'll give you anything you want, but avenge me!
Dona Claire: And what vengeance do you want, Jasmine Love?
Jasmine Love gets up, approaches DONA CLAIRE and whispers into her ear.
Dona Claire (slightly shocked): No! You ask for too much!
Jasmine Love: I ask for Justice!
Dona Claire: The Board gave you ‘justice’. The Cheap Bastards Club gave you ‘justice’.
Jasmine Love: But not JUSTICE! My reputation will soon be in tatters! The calls asking if I bareback will start! That is an infamnia! This cannot stand -- I will stop hobbying first!
Dona Claire: Then make your own nasty post in the Ladies’ Powder Room -- an eye for an eye. Say he smells bad and that he has bumps on his dick…
Jasmine Love: No! You must make him suffer as I suffer! How much must I pay you?
Both DONA CLAIRE and NIKKI WHITE draw back as if slapped.
Dona Claire: Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine…you never thought to protect yourself with real friends. You think it's enough to be a good Board member…to be OPEC-certified. You think the Board “protects” you; the Cheap Bastards “protect” you -- you don't need a friend like me.
But now… now you come to me and say, ‘Dona Claire, you must give me justice!’ You don't ask in respect or friendship -- you don't even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come to my house while I am shepherding my newbies and you ask me to do mayhem...to break someone’s dick for money.
Jasmine Love: But until now, the Board has always been good to me...
Dona Claire: Then take your justice from Whispers, Jasmine Love – take the bitter with the sweet. But, if you come to me with your friendship and your loyalty -- then your enemies become my enemies, and…believe me, they will fear you...
Ebony Jasmine Love bows her lovely head. And then, slowly, she murmurs…
Jasmine Love: Be my friend…Godfather?
Dona Claire smiles faintly, and extends her hand. Her long, manicured fingernails glisten in the half-light. Ebony Jasmine Love leans forward and kisses Claire’s ring.
Dona Claire: Good. Then it is settled. From me, you will get Justice.
Jasmine Love: What will you do, Godfather? Can you get him to pay me? To take down that negative mini-review in the Men’s Lounge?
Dona Claire: You don’t need to worry your pretty head about this any longer. Your “reputation with the boys” will remain unsullied, and there will be no foolish negative reviews.
I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse…
Jasmine Love: Thank you, Godfather.
Dona Claire: Some day…and that day may never come…I may call upon you to do me a service in return. That, and your loyalty, is all I ask. Leave us alone now.
Ebony Jasmine Love gets up and leaves.
Nikki White: Dona Claire, how do you want to handle this? Do you want me to send Scarlett De Rossi? You know, she’s here at the motel.
Dona Claire: No, no -- not Scarlett. Now that Whispers is involved, this situation calls for some… delicacy. Scarlett is too emotional, too passionate. We don’t want this boy to sleep with the fishes…
Nikki White: I suppose that’s right. Scarlett is the Luca Brasi of hookerdom. She’d go all bat-shit crazy on his ass!
Dona Claire: Besides, Scarlett is nella mia casa del cane (editor’s note: Italian for “in my dog house”). Remember what she did with the last job we gave her…the day we met to have the cannolis?
Nikki White: OMG! Yes!! I can’t believe she set off a rat trap on that guy’s dick!
Dona Claire: …Then you remember. That was not…how shall I say it? …subtle.
Nikki White: But you have to hand it to Scarlett! The way she concealed that rat trap under the covers, between her thighs…That poor monger never saw it coming! And the look on his face when it snapped shut on his dick!!
He’ll never mis-treat a member of the Pussy Mafia again -- if he can ever get it up…
Dona Claire: No…this job does not call for Scarlett’s particular talents for mayhem. I don’t want Whispers to see my hand in this, and we needn’t be so…severe.
No. Let us use Daddy’s Girl for this work. She’ll know what to do.
Nikki White: As you wish, Godfather. I will make all the arrangements…
Later that evening, at Newbie Pinocchio’s room. A knock on the door…
Newbie Pinocchio: Who is it?
Anonymous voice: Room service!
Newbie Pinocchio opens the door to find a shapely woman standing there -- 5’ 5”,streaked blonde hair, wearing a form-fitting “little black dress”. She’s very cute.
Daddy’s Girl: Hello. I’m Daddy’s Girl. I’m your date for this evening.
Newbie Pinocchio: Date for this evening? I didn’t arrange any date for this evening…
Daddy’s Girl: No, you didn’t -- Ebony Jasmine Love sent me. She’s so embarrassed over the misunderstanding between you two! She wanted me to treat you to a free BNG.
Newbie Pinocchio: Jasmine Love? I’m surprised…a free BNG?? Well, come on in...
A few minutes of LFK, DFK and general groping ensue. Finally, Newbie Pinocchio is sprawled back on the bed, and Daddy's Girl is on her knees on the floor in front of him.
Daddy’s Girl: I don’t give BBBJs, but Jasmine asked that I give you “my special”. It’s a CBJ, but I put special lube inside the condom, and it feels fantastic! This is going to curl your toes…
The newbie smiles and lays back.
Daddy’s Girl reaches into her purse and removes the special condom she prepared earlier that evening. It is filled with Sriracha hot sauce. She applies a little “Crazy Glue” to Pinocchio’s dick, and rolls on the condom.
Newbie Pinocchio: Oh…that does feel different. My dick is tingling! It feels a little hot… Oh my God!! OH MY GOD!!! AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!
The newbie’s scream can be heard throughout the motel. He leaps off the bed, and tries to tear off the condom – but it’s glued to his dick! The pain is incredible!!
Newbie Pinocchio: OH MY GOD!! What did you do?? What did you do??
Daddy’s Girl smiles sweetly.
Daddy’s Girl: Now you know how it feels to get burned.
Newbie Pinocchio: I can’t stand the pain!!! You’ve got to help me!!
Daddy’s Girl: Well…I suppose I could. I’ve got a bottle of buttermilk and an ice pack here. The buttermilk will neutralize the hot sauce, and the ice pack will kill the pain.
Newbie Pinocchio: Give them to me!! PLEASE!!
Daddy’s Girl: First, you have to pay for Jasmine Love. Then you need to take down that nasty mini-review in Men’s Lounge, and post this “YES!!!” review in PROVIDER REVIEWS.
She hands him a sheet of paper with a glowing review already written on it.
Daddy’s Girl: Otherwise, you can suffer…I think Dona Claire refers to this as ‘an offer you can’t refuse.’
Don’t fuck with Pussy Mafia girls…newbie.
