Question for men on here.

In some cases men are raised into an environment where we're expected to be the "strong ones" in relationships.

If you're in a relationship like that where you have to be the strong stable one that your partner can moor to during storms then it can be very difficult to turn those tables and talk about something which you feel makes you lesser or weak. I believe is was paraphrased in a sit com once where someone described all relationships as having a "gardener" and a "flower". You don't see a gardener asking the flower to water them, it's not what the roles are.

Generally (meaning usually but not always, and not completely either-or), men and women just process problem-solving in different ways. It drives me nuts when my wife and adult daughter "discuss" problems, concerns, feelings, etc., and want me to join them -- but only on their terms, and only doing it like they would do it. For me, if you "share" a problem with me, I presume it's because you want me to help find a solution. And I'm going to suggest possible solutions. I presume you have a target, and you want me to shoot it. But it seems like that is almost never the case. They just want to "share" and get their "feelings" out. My attitude is, if you don't want me to fix something, don't tell me what's wrong with it, dammit! Men as a rule can't handle that kind of sharing. And to your question, that's a big part of the explanation why men don't "share" that much -- they either think they can work out the solution on their own, or they don't see the problem as one you're likely to fix, so they don't want to burden you with something that would only be a drag on you, too. It may not feel that way to you, but it's very real to us.

Here's a less serious way to illustrate the problem. If I tell you I've got a problem, it means I want you to help do something about it. But when I "share" my "feelings" with the lovely Mrs. Stag, she just doesn't get it.

For example, if I were to say, "I'm hungry -- want to go get a bite?" instead of saying either yes or no, she would respond with something like "hmm, I get hungry too sometimes. Hungry can feel so bad, or it can be good for you. Sometimes when I'm hungry I ............ blah blah ......... yadda yadda yadda ........ What do you think?" (And by the time she gets to that part of the conversation, I've already gone for a sammich in my mind.)

Or if I were to tell her I'm sick of not having any sex for the last eight months and if I don't get at least a blow job in the next half hour my balls are going to dry up and fall off, she'd say either, "Balls remind me of Christmas, with all the pretty balls on the tree ... blah blah ...... yadda yadda yadda ...... What kind of balls do you like best?" (Either that, or "Go fuck yourself.")

And that's the difference between men and women.

Dee Dee,

Let me suggest the book Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. I know it is "old" now but it really helped me understand how men and women handle things differently. I've said that if I had read that book BEFORE my divorce, I might still be married.

Slippery

Stag: AMEN

And that is why, ladies and gentlemen, our distinctly American culture is disappearing right before our very eyes. American men have been brow beaten into believing that "sharing" is the solution. But anyone with "one eye and half sense" intuitively knows that actual solutions are always preferrable to merely sharing.

Unless, of course, you are a eunuch ... but I repeat myself!

Now I must get back to those actual solutions to pesky tax problems for all my clients!!!

Pistol Man

Ok, I don't like to share a lot of my personal life, but I have a question for the men on here.. Ladies feel free to pipe in too. Why is it that when men have something bothering them, they can't talk to their significant other about it? Why do they have to leave and go "figure things out" on their own? Or, go to their buddies house, or go talk to their family? Is it so hard to sit down and talk to us face to face? I know we always bug you about what you are feeling, but when it comes to your life and decisions that will really affect you and your better half, why can't you just talk? What is the deal with men, and talking about your feelings?
Just wondering..
DeeDee Originally Posted by deedee72

That's easy - Talking about something doesn't solve the problem. I only want to discuss something with a person who can offer me a solution I have not alrready thought of myself.

deedee I am at a total loss for words on this one too. While I do believe some men do and want to communicate their problems with their SO I wouldn't care to guess how few!

A part me of me always figured they didn't want to expose their problems and seem weak or possibly have it held over the heads later by their SO. Or they don't appreciate the roll-of the eyes as we look at them like they are crazy or wonder if they have lost their minds (i mean girl problems are so much more complicated) (okay everyone that was a total joke) One thing is for sure deedee I am sure some how, some way we are to blame as women.

Honestly, I have read the book and it does a good job at explaining this issue.

Well for myself, I tend not to open up, because I may very well say something that is gonna hurt. Not necessarily a "sting" and not necessarily "brutal" yet something that would hurt them, and I do not want to do that.
So in that case, I just keep quiet and take the occuring rath that the silence brings.

I guess what I am saying is... Don't ask a question that you are not ready to hear the answer to, no matter what it is.

Tom

My first suggestion is go see or buy (if available) Defending the Caveman. This one man off Broadway play is very funny and does an excellent job of describing differences between men and women.

One of the premises of the play is that through out time women are gathers men are hunters. If you put that in modern terms:

Women need and desire information. When you all get together by the time your done you know each others problems, favorite things, etc. Men when we get together we grunt and bond by watching sports with minimal conversation.

With men many things are black and white when it comes to dealing with issues and arguments For woman many things are different shades of grey. This is why getting into an argument is so difficult.

Example, my ex wife and I got into an argument over commitment. Before we got married she committed to working until our second child was born once that occurred she was going to quit. Understand she made six figures so this was a very big deal. What occurred is she quit her job before our first child was born. I will not go into the entire argument but essentially she said there are different levels of commitment. Point being to all of this is for many men commitments are black and white not grey. When my ex-wife broke her commitment/promise I broke mine and knew it where in her mind she was not breaking a commitment it was just being revised.

However, when she found out about my hobbying I used her argument about commitment and it didn't work, why is that could it be men and women have double standards?

Cuz that's the example Dad & Grandpa set and they were usually right. We usually do get the ducks back in a row. It just may not be quick or easy. At least, unlike Japan, we don't have a culture that requires a man to commit suicide as the price of failure.

Men have a tendency to not reveal their inner most thoughts to significant others. This is primarily due to that information being used against them at a later date. We want to be seen as strong (genetic) and to allow someone inside goes against that belief. So we go out and tell a complete stranger instead....................... .

IT, that is a lovely picture in your signature line.
I bet he is willing to share his innermost feelings with her.

Men have a tendency to not reveal their inner most thoughts to significant others. This is primarily due to that information being used against them at a later date. Originally Posted by Introuble

One time during an intimate conversation with my wife I asked if she would wear a long wig during sex because I thought the sensations of the hair draping down would be exciting. She refused and after that every time we would be in public and a lady with long hair would walk by, the wife would ask if was fantasizing about her too. I got tired of the cr*p and now she's my EX-WIFE!

I'm remarried but now I don't talk about everything. My dad once told me

"First time is experience . . . second time is stupidity!"

Men have a tendency to not reveal their inner most thoughts to significant others. This is primarily due to that information being used against them at a later date. We want to be seen as strong (genetic) and to allow someone inside goes against that belief. So we go out and tell a complete stranger instead....................... . Originally Posted by Introuble

That seems to be a little strange. I've never had a problem revealing my innermost thoughts to a girlfriend and I refuse to let someone use what I say against me. I mainly don't want to waste time talking to anyone about a problem, just to hear myself talk. The problem has been, that girlfriends never seem to want discuss solving the problem and in fact, discussing a problem typically creates a second problem as a result. It upsets the girlfriend and now I have two problens to solve.