Open the Marriage, Close the Door

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/31/ma...l?ref=magazine

My husband and I practice polyamory, a k a ethical nonmonogamy. We are open about this to friends but are unsure what to disclose to others. Our housekeeper might have seen me in bed with my boyfriend. Must I explain? When I travel for business, I sometimes take my boyfriend. Must I fill in a co-worker I see only occasionally? I don’t want to hide my affection for my boyfriend or make anyone uncomfortable.


You have no duty to decode your connubial arrangements for mere acquaintances. Nor need you make them feel comfortable or reassure them that their views on marriage and monogamy are universally held.

But if you choose to relieve their consternation, you might be guided by the advice of a polyamorous friend who, speaking of similar situations, told me via e-mail: “I figure the best policy is to behave as if nothing inappropriate is happening. My feeling is that the best way to make other people comfortable is to act as comfortable as possible.” It seems that you are also mindful of your own tranquillity, a reasonable thing but not a matter of ethics, which is something more concerned with the effect of our actions on others.

There are two other people who are strongly affected here: your husband and your boyfriend. Their reputations could be sullied by folks who misconstrue your situation. You should discuss with those two how much they’d like you to disclose. As to your housekeeper, my friend says, “That’s tricky when you think someone may have seen you in bed, because even a monogamous couple might feel a little awkward about that.” Indeed. That’s why God created doors. That close. And lock. It is also possible to obtain something called a “calendar” on which you can record the dates when your housekeeper is expected, dates when you can deploy that “door.”

I have no issues with a lifestyle such as this for other people. Though I seriously question whether it is a successful. Every open relationship I’ve ever seen usually ends up with one of the two partners far more open than the other. That openness comes in many forms: emotional attachment to the third party, too public with the situation up to flaunting the third person, obsession from the third party or on and on….

I would no more tell my husband to go on and mess around with whomever whenever than I would divorce my husband for a one night stand type thing. It happens. I know it; we all know it – da. I just don’t want to actually know about it, and I would be hoppin’ mad though if my friends or anyone in my circle of influence found out.

And my housekeeper pretty much knows everything that goes on in my house. I would think that is pretty universal.

And my housekeeper pretty much knows everything that goes on in my house. I would think that is pretty universal. Originally Posted by OliviaHoward

She's had to clean up afterward.

I have no issues with a lifestyle such as this for other people. Though I seriously question whether it is a successful. Every open relationship I’ve ever seen usually ends up with one of the two partners far more open than the other. Originally Posted by OliviaHoward

That's true, but if they're both experienced with open relationships and boundaries have been discussed - it won't be a problem. It's certainly not for everyone and most who try find they aren't emotionally structured for it.

emotional attachment to the third party Originally Posted by OliviaHoward

I actually believe in and support emotional attachment to third parties.

too public with the situation up to flaunting the third person, obsession from the third party or on and on….

That's a common reason for the "not in our social circle" or "not in the city we live in" boundaries some couples develop.

I would be hoppin’ mad though if my friends or anyone in my circle of influence found out.

Understandable. However, on the other side of the fence, our close friends know - so there's no scandal there. It's pretty common knowledge that I'm for open relationships in my extended circle, and though no one has ever witnesses it, I don't think anyone would be the least bit surprised.

However, because the world is judgmental of those who choose a different way of life, we need a bubble of privacy around our lives. That much is true, and unfortunate.

A Bubble of Privacy.

I like that concept.

But then, there are people in the world whose sole purpose in life, it seems is to burst other people's bubbles.

I think what is needed is an industrial strength bubble!

Open marriage? Maybe I should try that because physiological polygamy is killing me. When I say something to my wife. . . I never know which one will answer, the sweet loving one. . or the other one.

Regards,

A Bubble of Privacy.

I like that concept.

But then, there are people in the world whose sole purpose in life, it seems is to burst other people's bubbles.

I think what is needed is an industrial strength bubble! Originally Posted by Fast Gunn

Actually, it's possible to train people in your life to abide by your expectations. I'll use examples from my life (as they're the only ones I know well lol) No one ever comes by my house without calling, totally uninvited - people know I'm not okay with that. No one is surprised if they cant' get a hold of me for weeks, because even when I'm around I may choose to be out of touch. So half the time people have no idea I've just been in some foreign country. It's common for me and my SO to go out separately, even when dates aren't involved, so that doesn't raise eyebrows. I'm very quick when someone starts asking too many seemingly harmless questions to change the mode of conversation so that they're encouraged to talk about themselves and forget about me (really very easy to do with a bit of practice and works like a charm). If someone is persistent, I tell them flat out that it's "not a soup question" if the information isn't important to their lives somehow, it's non of their business.

The best advice I ever got about avoiding nosy people came to me in college. Every Monday the students would talk about their weekend, asking me about mine, and I could never really talk. A guy friend of mine advised: "Give them really really boring answers, the kind of stuff that makes their eyes water as you keep talking. They'll stop asking."

"What did you do this weekend?"

"Oh I was reading on how women have for centuries rebelled against the repressive model of femininity though their sowing -an ironic act considering how that's played such an important part in gender roles throughout history and across cultures... " and it's true, eventually they stop asking.

I really believe in an old fashioned idea of psychological and personal life privacy. Not just for myself but when I deal with others.

Oddly people believe that the care I guard my own privacy with, means I'll respect theirs with the same kind of delicacy, and often leads to spontaneous and surprising moments of them lending their trust to me. Never saw that coming, and isn't always a good thing.

But then, there are people in the world whose sole purpose in life, it seems is to burst other people's bubbles.

! Originally Posted by Fast Gunn

Bubbles burst on their own. . .


Kris wrote it and Janis immortalized it

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose''


I hope people are starting to understand about that the only thing different from a open relationship and a closed one is who is fooling who. . .or is that whom?


irena , where are ya when I need ya?

When I say something to my wife. . . I never know which one will answer, the sweet loving one. . or the other one.

Regards, Originally Posted by Iaintliein

I have an SO like this. She's been much better since her doc found her the right antidepressants. I suggest you try the same thing. Mine isn't on Prozac or anything heavy like that. But it makes a world of difference.

Thanks Charlesudor2005,
It may not sound fair for me to suggest "a fix" for her, but in the end all behaviour, personality, thought, emotions, etc. are biochemical in nature. Bio-identical HRT has helped a great deal in fact, but your suggestion is a worthwhile addition. Such things, like so much of life, is a matter of presentation.

Regards,

So Lauren, where'd ya get that story? Don't you read the Toronto Star?

LOL, WTF is running around trying to light a fire somewhere and so far tonight he's not having much luck.

LOL, WTF is running around trying to light a fire somewhere and so far tonight he's not having much luck. Originally Posted by Marcus Aurelius

Tonite, the Saints lit this sinners fire, Marcus!


and in a good way.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/31/ma...l?ref=magazine

My husband and I practice polyamory, a k a ethical nonmonogamy. We are open about this to friends but are unsure what to disclose to others. Our housekeeper might have seen me in bed with my boyfriend. Must I explain? When I travel for business, I sometimes take my boyfriend. Must I fill in a co-worker I see only occasionally? I don’t want to hide my affection for my boyfriend or make anyone uncomfortable.

________________________

You have no duty to decode your connubial arrangements for mere acquaintances. Nor need you make them feel comfortable or reassure them that their views on marriage and monogamy are universally held.

But if you choose to relieve their consternation, you might be guided by the advice of a polyamorous friend who, speaking of similar situations, told me via e-mail: “I figure the best policy is to behave as if nothing inappropriate is happening. My feeling is that the best way to make other people comfortable is to act as comfortable as possible.” It seems that you are also mindful of your own tranquillity, a reasonable thing but not a matter of ethics, which is something more concerned with the effect of our actions on others.

There are two other people who are strongly affected here: your husband and your boyfriend. Their reputations could be sullied by folks who misconstrue your situation. You should discuss with those two how much they’d like you to disclose. As to your housekeeper, my friend says, “That’s tricky when you think someone may have seen you in bed, because even a monogamous couple might feel a little awkward about that.” Indeed. That’s why God created doors. That close. And lock. It is also possible to obtain something called a “calendar” on which you can record the dates when your housekeeper is expected, dates when you can deploy that “door.” Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

I just got around to this section of that day's NYT on my eReader. Gotta admit, I expected to see Toronto as the address for the person sending in the question!

I thought it was a rather balanced response. If you're not doing anything to be embarrassed about, what's the big deal? If others get to nosy, establish your zone of personal space with those that inquire too much or too often.

I'm still not sold on the efficacy of the lifestyle but to each his/her own. I'm not the Acme Judgement Company. My seal of approval certainly isn't required.

Actually, it's possible to train people in your life to abide by your expectations. Originally Posted by Lauren Summerhill

They're called boundaries. Some folk struggle with those....

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