3-DAY SPECIAL ON CRIMINAL RETAINERS

I am a very experienced attorney in Dallas, Texas whose practice is primarily defending people against criminal charges in state courts in North Texas. Occasionally, I'll defend a client in other parts of Texas, in other states, and in federal court. I also handle civil litigation cases.

Long-time hobbyists and providers know me from my posts on Eccie and ASPD regarding legal issues related to hobbying and other matters. Over the years, thousands of members have reached out to me privately for advice. Many have retained me to represent them in various types of cases, including prostitution, DWI, drug offenses, and assault.

I offer a criminal retainer agreement to long-term, well-established Eccie members, both hobbyists and providers. You can call it 'hobby insurance.' In exchange for a one-time payment, I will: (1) answer your hobby-related questions during an in-person meeting, if you request a meeting; (2) answer your hobby-related questions in the future, within reason; and (3) arrange a bail bond, if you're arrested and if you ask me to arrange a bail bond. (Of course, you would be responsible for paying the bondsman's fee, which is called a 'premium.') In the event you're arrested, and we reach an agreement that I would represent you regarding the matter for which you were arrested, you would receive a credit toward my fee. Our agreement would be memorialized in a written contract. The agreement has no expiration date.

The regular fee to retain me is $250. For three days only – Friday Nov. 27, Saturday Nov. 28, and Sun. Nov. 30, I will discount my fee to $225, a $25 savings.

I've offered the criminal retainer agreement since 2012. By far the most activity has regarded hobbyists needing immediate help with an emergency. I could write for hours about various fact situations, but the common element has been the guy is caught up in a situation in which he COULD be arrested, and he wants some quick help to get out of it. That topic is my specialty. I also get a lot of questions about blackmailers, and if all it takes is a call to end a blackmailer's efforts, I'll do that at no additional charge. Over the years, my success rate with one call has been more than 90%. Lately, I've had a number of new clients with a misbehaving sugar baby.

I have a reputation for being very easy to reach, especially by text message. I can't always talk on the phone because I'm often in a place where I can't answer my phone. I don't keep my phone's ringer on 24/7, but I'm a borderline old fucker so during the night I check my phone at least every two or three hours because old fuckers have to get up during the night to pee. Occasionally, I'll be required to help a client during the wee hours. That's not my favorite thing to do, but it's part of my job.

If you're interested in retaining me, please EMAIL ME (DON’T PM me) at ShysterJon@gmail.com and I will get back to you as soon as I can. Any information you disclose to me remains confidential.

Gee times must be tough. May have to go back to chasing ambulances.

Nah, no ambulance chasing here. I enjoy the hobby-related part of my practice, so I'm taking action to expand it.

the common element has been the guy is caught up in a situation in which he COULD be arrested, and he wants some quick help to get out of it. That topic is my specialty. Originally Posted by ShysterJon

I thought they always said you can beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride. Are you saying that you can help someone beat the ride?

I thought they always said you can beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride. Are you saying that you can help someone beat the ride? Originally Posted by tandyscone

Of course, outcomes depend on specific fact situations, but if you're asking me if I've ever been able to avoid my client being charged, the answer is yes, many times.

No thanks. A few months ago I reached out to you and got no responce. Personally, I have a lawyer in a small town west of Dallas. The times Ive been arrested (3 in 25 years) I take the ride to the station where my bond is awaiting my signature. No time behind bars. Fee?125.oo. Don't you have a post stickied on here that says something to the effect of "retainers my ass"?

Then again. in this town the masons lodge decides your guilt/innocence and your sentence. Then they tell the judge to carry it out.

Noid: I know you think you have an axe to grind with me, but you really don't. You say you PM-ed me for free advice about expunging your criminal records. For years, my sig line has said to email me, not PM me (see below) because my PM box is usually full. I'm sorry you can't read. I never received a PM or an email from you. I told you all this at the time you bitched about it in October. Get over it, dude. And get over yourself. I don't understand why you PM-ed me in the first place, since I apparently don't meet your high standards for legal representation. Haha. But I'm glad you found a cheapass lawyer to represent your grumpy, meshuganah old self.

Noid's prior crazy bitching:

http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=1517001&highlight=

Shyster, my mistake i didn't pm. I just put that post you referenced. I have no axe to grind. I'm a dick, like all of us are. My "cheapass lawyer" was one of the ones the texas senate had on payroll in the 70's and 80's.But you have a nice day and good luck with yhat retainer special. Hope you can pay the moile. You said I didn't pm, then you said I did. hope you don't make those mistakes in court. I remember I didn't but I also don't email to protect my privacy. Good day sir.

The case wasn't mine, and I asked for nothing for free.Some lawyers do give a free consultation, believe it or not.

My "cheapass lawyer" was one of the ones the texas senate had on payroll in the 70's and 80's.. Originally Posted by Noid

Not really an endorsement of quality or value...

Find me 1 in10,000 lawyers of quality and I'll eat my hat. Lucky me, I know one.

Shyster, my mistake i didn't pm. I just put that post you referenced. I have no axe to grind. I'm a dick, like all of us are. My "cheapass lawyer" was one of the ones the texas senate had on payroll in the 70's and 80's.But you have a nice day and good luck with yhat retainer special. Hope you can pay the moile. You said I didn't pm, then you said I did. hope you don't make those mistakes in court. I remember I didn't but I also don't email to protect my privacy. Good day sir. Originally Posted by Noid

You need to get your story straight, learn to read better, and knock off the rotgut whiskey.

In October, you wrote: "I sent you a pm months ago and got no response." Now you say you didn't PM me.

You just wrote: "You said I didn't pm, then you said I did. hope you don't make those mistakes in court." No, I wrote: "YOU SAY YOU PM-ed me for free advice about expunging your criminal records." (Emphasis added.) I don't know if you PM-ed me or not. Maybe you were making castles out of your own poo that day. All I know is I didn't get a PM from you.

In October, you claimed I was "a minion of the British empire. (See.. British Attorney Registry," whatever the fuck that means. In this thread, you wrote, "in this town the masons lodge decides your guilt/innocence and your sentence. Then they tell the judge to carry it out."

My question to you is: Do you have any grip on reality at all?

Noid: I know you think you have an axe to grind with me, but you really don't. You say you PM-ed me for free advice about expunging your criminal records. For years, my sig line has said to email me, not PM me (see below) because my PM box is usually full. I'm sorry you can't read. I never received a PM or an email from you. I told you all this at the time you bitched about it in October. Get over it, dude. And get over yourself. I don't understand why you PM-ed me in the first place, since I apparently don't meet your high standards for legal representation. Haha. But I'm glad you found a cheapass lawyer to represent your grumpy, meshuganah old self.

Noid's prior crazy bitching: Here you said "never recieved a pm" then said "you pm'ed me" Member of the bar... British Attorny Registry. You passed the bar exam right? Get it now? You do also know (I hope) the eagle at the top of the flag pole in the courtroom signifies a court of Admiral Law. are you saying some small texas towns aern't run as I stated?

http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=1517001&highlight= Originally Posted by ShysterJon

Here you said" I never recieved a pm" then said "you pmed me" Member of the bar (British Attornys Registry) That bar exam, remember it? You do also know the eagle atop the flagpole in the courtroom signifies Admiral Law. Are you saying a small Texas town isn't run by the local masons lodge?