Jokes for the pretty lady

Two hookers were on a street corner. They started discussing business, and one of the hookers said "Gonna be a good night, I smell cock in the air". The other hooker looked at her and said "No, I just burped"
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A man went to the medical center to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married; 2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis; 3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. Tough call. You decide.
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This man had a parrot. This parrot knew only one sentence, which was "Let's make love". The parrot said it all the time, embarrassing the owner to no end. Finally, he went to his parish priest and told him of his parrot problem. The priest replied "I have a parrot who also only knows one sentence. He always says "Let us pray". Bring your parrot over Sunday after mass, and I'm sure your parrot will be praying by the end of the day". So, as directed, the owner brought the parrot over to the rectory after mass. The parrot, spying the priest's parrot, opened his mouth and blurted out "Let's make love". The priest's parrot closed his eyes, looked up at heaven and said "My prayers have been answered".
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One day a man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the lady parted her legs, the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit". The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "Okay, what I'm going to do is rub some honey over the tip of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis, I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The lady said "Yes, whatever, just get on with it". So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, entered the woman. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should try further". The lady began to quiver with excitement, moaning aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. The husband became very annoyed and shouted "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"


THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Thank you Muffin thumper! Love them all , except the parrot one ! ( ? ) hah! Great jokes & stories !!!

Awwwww. I like the parrot one...