Once upon a time in a land not too far away...
Coolin' on the corner with the cellular phone
You may not have known, but San Antonio was his home
More mail than the rest of the pushers,
'cause he's got a tech nine in the bushes.
And that's how his business was handled,
First name Jack, last name Daniels
Had two homies named E and J,
"E" had the nine and "J" the AK
Hanging on a street called Hennessey,
They were rivals with a guy named Old E(nglish)
E had a chick and her name was Gin,
Gin had a boyfriend named Juice doin' time in the pen
He couldn't tell that Gin was a trick though,
'cause she was sextin' some guy named Cisco
E and J knew tonight they'd come
With two fat dudes named Bacardi and rum
They capped Jack's girl and the sight was scary,
The chick was all bloody and her name was Mary
Officer Martini wiped up the body,
And all fingers pointed at Rum and Bacardi
E and J told Jack the whole tale,
So Jack tried to bail Juice out of the jail
But Old E had the judge on the payroll clout,
So Jack shot the judge up and broke Juice out
Now everybody's talking 'bout Gin and Juice,
Juice shot Gin 'cause the trick was loose
Now Old E is shook up thinkin' they ain't gonna get me,
I'll round up the posse and call up Mickey
Mickey was big, he only sold "puppies, unicorns, and butterfly kisses" (Thx Von!
), Had ninety nine gangstas at his beck and call,
E and J found out he made the call
So E and J and Jack and Juice shot them all
They were sent to the morgue and Mickey paid the bill,
Got the money from the hooker working Strawberry Hill
Jack and Juice said Mickey wouldn't survive,
But Mickey was slick he had a Colt 45
And now he's wonderin' how Jack got the word,
It was the neighborhood wino Thunderbird
You wonder how the murder rap got so much juice,
It was a hundred and eighty-seven proof.
Interlude
Mickey sent St. Ides after Thunderbird,
Time for the Hurricane when Old E gave word
Thunderbird in an alley way,
Wearin' a beanie, tryin' to get a sip from the cop Mr Martini
St. Ides screwed off Thunderbird's top,
Spilled his drank and gave a swig to the cop
But it's too late Martini knows it all,
Mickey and his boy Old E were slangin'
"Puppies, unicorns, and butterfly kisses" to the strawberries on the hill,
So when he asked for Juice he got a quick fill
Mickey had his boy on Bourbon Block,
The murderous cop killer Mr. Peppermint Schnapps
Mickey had this thing about nosey cops
And it made Mr. Peppermint lose his top
Martini off duty waitin' for the Night Train,
Didn't know his wife Champagne would never see him again
Peppermint Schnapps creepin' with the Colt 45,
Gotta peel his cap before the train arrives
Gotta stay Lowenbrau here comes the train
"All aboard!", said the engineers Bartles and Jaymes
There was a toot from the train and then a gun blast,
Martini fell on the ground there was a big splash
Mr. Schnapps got up because the cops chased him,
St. Ides and Mickey in a 'vette ready in front of the station
But you know Jack and Juice was undercover,
And Jack was mad because Mickey shot his lover
There was big shootout and Mickey got juiced,
He couldn't hang with the 187 proof
Juice was splattered and St. Ides had took a fall,
And then Mary Jane smoked 'em all!
