Messes with your head sometimes.....

This is just a philosophical thread post, fyi.....

I have been in the biz for 5 yrs. now. Prior, I always worked a legitimate job and never experienced job satisfaction or a livable wage. I pretty much always lived in fear of being let go, because I wasn't fast enough or valuable enough to my employer after I left the military and all the security it held.

I used to judge women who performed illicit sensual massage, it was always performed in secret at all hours behind curtains and just made me wonder what went on in their. Fast forward to now, where I do know what went on and that it wasn't the horrible, dangerous or lecherous lifestyle I always imagined it was.

The people who see me for the most part are the nicest, kindest, coolest, and most huggable people imaginable. Instead of feeling ashamed, I feel empowered. I feel needed and appreciated and competent. It may have to do with my age and milestones, but I feel happy. Very, very happy. Happier than I have ever felt in my life. I would not go out and seek a regular job again for any amount of money. I absolutely love my freedom, and I feel downright spoiled sometimes.

That being said, I am also keenly aware of how society feels about what I do and that they do not approve. They have no idea that I am treated far better now than I ever was working a real job. They have no idea that I am far better off financially, that I pay my own social security taxes and that I have finally for the first time in my whole life obtained a mortgage. In fact, I could work more and do alot better. But unfortunately, I have to be careful how many people visit me. More business means more exposure to curiosity and suspicion. So I keep it on the down low and look for other legal avenues to earn a living. So far, have not made that transition.

I know two women, both older than I who would flip out if they knew the truth about what I do to earn a living. One is a retired nurse, who immigrated from a country where what I do is not considered illegal. She married a widower and they get to live in his paid for house. She is obviously a conservative type I'm sure she would have my ass arrested as her son is a police officer and the police do not understand that I am not exactly a menace to society. The other woman is disabled, married to a retired military officer and she just received a nice settlement for her disability despite the fact that she receives SSI for her disability. Her home is paid for and all that. She receives very good health care and her husband takes excellent care of her as well.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I will never be married, and there is absolutely no retirement or disability or great healthcare in my future anytime soon either. I pay my own bills and if I can't afford it, I have to go without it. It makes me worry that to these women and so many other people in the U.S. that I am somehow a threat and in the wrong. I would not personally touch the husband of someone I knew with a ten foot pole, so I am no threat to their marriages. I wish I had a husband as good as theirs, but I don't so I have to take care of myself.

Just venting, you can't have your cake and eat it too I guess. I had a health care professional visit me today and told me a secret fetish he had that was very disturbing to hear of. Contrary to what I do, my mind is not in the gutter. Like a pastor or a psychologist or even a bartender, I sometimes hear a confession that I would rather not hear and it's not pleasant. I am a keeper of secrets, so I seek alot of solitude to keep sane. I had to do my laundry last night and was subjected to Fox news, personally I do not have a television anymore and the angry rhetoric bothered me as much as thinking about how much all the people spewing it out were being paid to spew it.

Funny world we live in, the haves vs the have nots and what's considered wrong and what's considered right I guess... Thanks for reading, I needed to get it all off my chest!

I completely understand where you're coming from.

Nice post.

Sincerely,
Elisabeth

People are always quick to judge when they are not standing in your shoes. Human beings do this, it is in their nature.

And do not think you will never be married.
We can not predict the future, no?
You never know where your road will take you,
Yet you are being the master of your own fate.
These other people do what life has dictated for them, and it has worked for them...
The same thing did not work for you, so you must do what you have to do to not only survive, but to live & be happy.
I wish to you success, happiness, & love.
You seem like a bright young woman, and you are self motivated & self driven.
That will take you where you want to go, if you put your heart into it.

LM

Turns out, there's always dick sucking involved in being a functioning adult. I just preferred the literal over the metaphorical.

I understand. I am a contract engineer also referred to as a road whore.
I make good money and I tell people my price per hour, per diem and expenses.
They agree or they don't. I will not haggle. I go only where the cash flows.
I take the jobs I want and I don't have to accept any don't meet my requirements.
I can work projects back to back or I can take a 3 to 6 month vacation also. When I am ready to go back to work I stay in touch with my network of contacts and companies and I am back on. The way I work it involves a lot of travel or out of town or state for extended amount of times which is not good on a marriage or relationships but that is why the hobby for me is very convenient. From my perspective with the way I work and with my positive hobby experiences it has changed the way I look at being in a
relationship.