Why Providers and not Affairs?

This is really a followup to my post in the Married but Hobbying thread. But it really leads to another related but separate thread discussing why we chose to meet our needs by paying for the services of providers and not pursuing "free" affairs. In the Married but Hobbying thread I wrote:

"Many of us are in the same boat...
I love my wife... but like a sister/companion...
family is important to me... and divorce would forever affect relationships that are very important to me...
But ... I probably should have pursued that years ago.
There is no intimacy at home in my life. I seek and find it with my ATFs.
Love/intimacy of the one hour variety is much better than having none at all.
Hobbying keeps me sane...
Personally, I seek intimacy more than sex...
There are special providers I've had the privilege of knowing over the years that have been caring and responsive... that have filled that void in my life.
BUT.... if I ever get caught (and as careful as I am..
it's probably inevitable)... hell hath no fury...
and I know that I will be the asshole and my wife..
will assume no responsibility.
Life isn't fair for us guys... Is it too much to ask
for what we yearn more than anything in this world:
being in the arms of a responsive, attractive woman?"

Based on the several PM's I've received regarding this post, I'm not surprised that I am not alone.

There are many of us who seek intimacy from providers: i.e., real GFE which in my mind first and foremost involves tenderness and mutual respect...lots of cuddling...kissing... conversation...caressing... followed by sexual activities that both parties feel comfortable with. I decided many years ago to seek the paid services of providers rather than to pursue affairs. While there are many that claim successful experiences with "no strings attached" affairs..It's my impression in observing many real life situations that there is no such thing as casual sex. While there were opportunities for affairs... someone always seems to get hurt. (I have no interest in hurting someone else in order to fulfill my needs). And all too often.. these "casual affairs" blow up in our faces. How many marriages...unexpected pregnancies....careers... even jail time have been the consequences of playing the most expensive game on the planet: "Dip the Weenie". Paying for sex establishes a clear boundary about expectations. Most importantly ...nobody gets hurt. The trick is finding a special provider who is open to developing a relationship...is open to becoming a real friend over time... a real lover for the hour that you're together. When you find that special lady...shout halleluia! and treat her like the queen that she is! Then... still be careful as hell....

Here is the bottom line. If you can attract a woman to be your (unpaid) mistress, I think it highly unlikely that you are super active in the hobby. Why pay when you get it for free? If instead you are looking for a SD/SB relationship (in which friendship is important) you can't be cheap. And that is the biggest mistake that men make.

Here is the bottom line. If you can attract a woman to be your (unpaid) mistress, I think it highly unlikely that you are super active in the hobby. Why pay when you get it for free? If instead you are looking for a SD/SB relationship (in which friendship is important) you can't be cheap. And that is the biggest mistake that men make. Originally Posted by SillyGirl

I totally disagree with your post. Maybe you should reread the original post. The question, Why pay when you could get it for free?, was answered very well.
I am not sure what the amount of money you wish to spend has to do with anything. You must think of all of us as a bunch of cheap TROLLS (sorry Charlie). I have had experiences at the $ level that were far superior to those at $$$. I have several regulars who I consider friends who I see at $ or less if I happen to be short.
The "bottom line" sure looks different on my side of the fence.

Here is the bottom line. If you can attract a woman to be your (unpaid) mistress, I think it highly unlikely that you are super active in the hobby. Why pay when you get it for free? If instead you are looking for a SD/SB relationship (in which friendship is important) you can't be cheap. And that is the biggest mistake that men make. Originally Posted by SillyGirl

Or do both! I disagree that if you are attractive enough to have an unpaid mistress you are not active in hobby. I do both! They serve different needs. A hobby "girlfriend" may or may not include "feelings". Sometimes, it's just a release of sexual tension and aggressiveness. Sometimes, I don't want intimacy from provider. I want pure lust, dirty and hot without any emotional involvement. It's a lot of fun, we both had a great time, but it wasn't intended to be "intimate" in the sense of an affair. I have gotten to be friends with providers, but as far as I know, that's all it is.

Paying for sex establishes a clear boundary about expectations. Most importantly ...nobody gets hurt.

+1

Here is the bottom line. If you can attract a woman to be your (unpaid) mistress, I think it highly unlikely that you are super active in the hobby. Why pay when you get it for free? ........ Originally Posted by SillyGirl

SillyGirl, it is never free. We all like sex, both man and woman; but, there comes a time in all of our lives when our partners are not available for us, either physically, psychologically or emotionally.

To attract a mistress, when you have a family to consider opens a whole new area of possible intrusion by an outsider into the family. Why pay when you can get it for free?

Because the main thing paying for it brings is the security of hoping that you will prevent intrusion into our family.

It has been a joke, but true; when you are paying a woman for sex, you are paying her to leave.

Security is important, if we don't want to harm others by personal activity. A lot of woman love to talk, especially to other woman; it is their way of taking control of the social situation. If a woman is paid for sex; it doesn't give her the right to be a part of my family - too risky. But if you have a friend for a mistress, she will expect more than sex, she wants more; and if she expects more and a guy knows it will not happen, he is using her and lying to her.

I would rather pay for my personal needs than ever lead a woman on and lie to her.

From Gramps111:
"Hobbying keeps me sane..."
Cheaper than talking endlessly with a "shrink", talking isn't going to solve anything. I have been in and out of this so called hobby for 50 years, two wives that have died, and one that will soon die. The whole thing guys is what does it take to keep us sane in the middle of a lot of (.../..../ ../-).

When my first wife died (breast cancer) and left me children to raise. I was in need of a lot of things, but talking to a shrink solved nothing. Being depressed did nothing, so the answer is get back to work. I am in need, so find a woman. Not ready to marry again, so don't BS the women I meet. Keep your mind straight, and find a nice woman. I have found some very nice women in this hobby, who are more than willing to go the extra mile.

From Gramps111:
Personally, I seek intimacy more than sex..."
Wrong for me, I seek sex; I have intimacy at home. Not hurting my family is important.

JR

WOW where to start. I would say that (having all three at once wife mistress, and being a hobbyist) each one fills a different void. I wish I could find a woman who would fill me up completely but hasn't happened. I like the stability of the home life, the "life on the edge" of a mistress (she is smokin hot, but a pain in the ass), and the simplicity of a provider. It just depends on what I'm in the mood for. One oddity though, the old lady is (god i hate to use the terms) "white" and the mistress and ATF provider is "black" (and smokin hot).......Go figure!

I choose to hobby because I like variety. I personally never cheated on my spouse, however after we divorced, I chose to hobby rather than date around. I've experienced everything from the hot little 18 year old that you could bounce a quarter off her ass to the methodical and experienced 53 year old that made me forget everything I had ever known about sex. Blondes, brunettes, red heads, tall, short, skinny, fat, black, white, hispanic, and of course my fantasy asian. Hell...I've even been with a Korean midget. How many people can say that?

I have many lady friends. Finding a partner would not be difficult, but the hobby allows me to live out my fantasies. In the real world, how many times have you seen a 19 year old hot ass black chick date a 37 year, out of shape, workaholic, white guy?

If you can attract a woman to be your (unpaid) mistress, I think it highly unlikely that you are super active in the hobby. Originally Posted by SillyGirl

There are LOTS of guys who would disagree with this. All those politicians and actors (like Charlie Sheen) who pay for hookers aren't doing it because they are unable to attract a mistress.

And frankly I think you are selling yourself short, Lilianna. I'm told that you are very good at what you do. Don't you think there are guys who might want to participate in your particular experience, even if they have a mistress? Or even just a guy whose mistress doesn't like to give blowjobs (or domination, or whatever).

I think that it's been said previously in this thread, hobbying provides from 30 minutes to 2 (or more hours) of sex and (hopefully) affection after which everyone returns to their other life. It's been my experience and the experience of friends that the mistress thing has a lot more potential to be damaging to a relationship than seeing providers.

That is unless the provider gets aggressive or LE happens. A bust can sink a relationship (re: marriage) as well as a mistress's phone call.

Well written! See comments below in red...

SillyGirl, it is never free. We all like sex, both man and woman; but, there comes a time in all of our lives when our partners are not available for us, either physically, psychologically or emotionally.

To attract a mistress, when you have a family to consider opens a whole new area of possible intrusion by an outsider into the family. Why pay when you can get it for free?

Because the main thing paying for it brings is the security of hoping that you will prevent intrusion into our family. Right On...

It has been a joke, but true; when you are paying a woman for sex, you are paying her to leave. Hadn't thought of it this way before... typically I don't want her to leave...but your point is well taken.

Security is important, if we don't want to harm others by personal activity. A lot of woman love to talk, especially to other woman; it is their way of taking control of the social situation. If a woman is paid for sex; it doesn't give her the right to be a part of my family - too risky. But if you have a friend for a mistress, she will expect more than sex, she wants more; and if she expects more and a guy knows it will not happen, he is using her and lying to her. Exactly!

I would rather pay for my personal needs than ever lead a woman on and lie to her. Amen...

From Gramps111:
"Hobbying keeps me sane..."
Cheaper than talking endlessly with a "shrink", talking isn't going to solve anything. I have been in and out of this so called hobby for 50 years, two wives that have died, and one that will soon die. The whole thing guys is what does it take to keep us sane in the middle of a lot of (.../..../ ../-).

When my first wife died (breast cancer) and left me children to raise. I was in need of a lot of things, but talking to a shrink solved nothing. Being depressed did nothing, so the answer is get back to work. I am in need, so find a woman. Not ready to marry again, so don't BS the women I meet. Keep your mind straight, and find a nice woman. I have found some very nice women in this hobby, who are more than willing to go the extra mile.
And I think I've had it tough! My hats off to you...
From Gramps111:
Personally, I seek intimacy more than sex..."
Wrong for me, I seek sex; I have intimacy at home. Not hurting my family is important. No right or wrong here... just personal preference. Whether we seek intimacy or just sex... argument in favor of seeking the company of providers is valid for both preferences. The key is to be honest and upfront with your provider regarding your needs and expectations. And above all... to treat them with the dignity and respect that they deserve.

JR Originally Posted by JRLawrence

Not to step on anybody's toes or purposefully offend, but if men really valued, extolled and upheld the virtue, character, merits, etc of women, and were truly concerned with not hurting anyone, would he be a hobbyist? People get hurt in hobbying as well. If your ATF, with whom you share such tender moments, etc decides that you've wronged her, does she not have a bigger and more menacing weapon to fire at your domestic tranquility: Not only were you cheating, but you were paying for it - that's a fun fact that my son shouldn't ever know. There is no such thing as casual sex, in any arena, not even if you pay for it.

Hobbying is cheating, but wrapped in a neat little package, with a surgeon general's warning on the back. lol. A relationship with a provider is an illusion, and it is an illusion that is bought and sold to many others besides yourself. Providers use their bodies to make money, and your bi-weekly donation is not enough for her to live off of. An honest provider totally turned my stomach once when she recounted her day's activities. No matter how sanitized or sterile the environment, it is still a body, that is exposed to countless other bodies, and the possibilities for disease and such are endless. (Not every provider is high volume, but you'd be a fool not to assume that they are - at least from a safety standpoint) That fact alone, for me, removes any possibility for intimacy. So, hobbying is a risk that we take - no, a risk that we pay to take - emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

I hobby for variety, and because i'm just plain lazy. I just don't feel like it, and i don't want to invest time, effort, etc that's necessary to find an ordinary woman when i can just pay and play. It's a quick fix, fast food, like paying for a 15 minute oil change when i could go out there and spend an hour to change it myself and get oil on my clothes and busted knuckles from when my filter wrench slipped and i hit my hand on the oil pan.......

There are LOTS of guys who would disagree with this. All those politicians and actors (like Charlie Sheen) who pay for hookers aren't doing it because they are unable to attract a mistress.

And frankly I think you are selling yourself short, Lilianna. I'm told that you are very good at what you do. Don't you think there are guys who might want to participate in your particular experience, even if they have a mistress? Or even just a guy whose mistress doesn't like to give blowjobs (or domination, or whatever). Originally Posted by KCQuestor

Hmm, I'm not sure where you think I am selling myself short.

I can rephrase what I said previously, which is pretty much, if you can attract a quality mistress, then you probably aren't too active in the "hobby" because you have the charm (not necessarily the looks) to do so without having to pay for it.

Now some people have replied and refuted this, as is their right, but I'm going to stick my guns. If you have game (and can/are allowed to be seen in public to have game), you will probably not be paying for it. I have met some very attractive, charming, urbane men but I can definitely say that I have not met one with the ability to go pull hot tail at the bar. Whether it is a result of being shy, being married, being uninterested in putting out the effort, the end is pretty much the same.

The argument that you are "paying her to leave" is certainly valid, but if you have a mistress that doesn't suck dick? You have a shitty mistress and you are missing that game.

So, basically, SillyGirl is saying we're losers who pay for it.

No, I'm saying that for whatever reason (MARRIAGE included) if you can arrange to have quality pussy for free, why pay?