One Good Question Begs Another

BB started an excellent thread and I didn't want to hijack so I'll ask this question(s) here.

In that thread there was mention about retainers and stories of some providers becoming possesive so to speak. "If you see anyone other than me the deal is off" type of mentality. It got me thinking.

Being a provider has challenged my thinking in many ways. I've often wondered about how it would've changed some of my past relationships.

For instance, I am a very bisexual woman. In my past relationships I was not "allowed" a threesome. I think it was considered a threat to them. To be fair about it, once I developed feelings for a guy I didn't want to "share" him either.

I had to ask myself why that was. My only real answers were fear based. Would it open a can of worms, would he enjoy her more, would she do something better....you get the point.

What is the real thinking from a guy on this? (Not meant just for guys, perhaps I mean other thoughts welcome) Is being open and being allowed to have other women with your wife/girlfriend (that you are happy with)something she should be insecure about? Or would it bring it to a new place of strength and happiness?

I have come to think that guys like a sense of home. Home is your girlfriend/wife. That is a feeling like nothing else. Everything else is just a good time! Am I right or wrong? (I guess you can see that I'm pondering a very open relatioship in my future)

I have always been open, and have experienced an open relationship first-hand.


You gotta realize the key word in this "open".
Open is honest and doesn't keep things closed.
Open is trust in your partner 100%.
If you're afraid of your partner leaving you for whoever you decide to be open with then you don't trust them. It's so hard to trust when you've been hurt before, but you gotta put it aside if you want the open thing to work out.

If you don't have those, then it won't work.

This is all coming from a female perspective, from me.

I prefer open relationships, only because I think the idea behind sex and marriage is a leash and stipulation, a blindfold, put on us to live the "American Dream". With rules and no-go standards.

When you look back throughout history, sex has been open, and welcomed multiple partners, for both spiritual, and sexual pleasure. Yes, every religion views it differently, but in the end it all comes back to the same thing, the primal urge.

I think it's stupid that men are forced to believe they can only have 1 partner, when their biology is telling them differently.

I think happiness is the most important thing in our lives, with relationships, jobs, hobbies, etc.
If we aren't happy, why bother?

Open relationships aren't for everyone.
Some are happy with 1 single partner, whilst others are not.
I don't think there should be boundaries when it comes to relationships. If you're doing what makes you and your partner(s) happy, then by all means, do it!



Anyhoo.. I'll stop rambling now!

my feelings are that human beings in general are not monagomous by nature. we want and need variety as well as excitement. the best sex i ever had was with someone i really loved. she wasnt any better than most of the girls here or did anything different than most of you lovely ladies. but the amount of intensity in each and every action made every encounter unbelievable. im sure if you had a threesome with another man and the SO in your life, although that man may be hung like a beast , fuck like a wildman and make you cum over and over (like i do..lol). it just still wouldnt satisfy you on an emotional and psychological level that you get from the connection you get from someone you truly care about and have shared something more intimate than just body fluids. and although your body may be out "playing" your heart is staying very much at home. and im sure his would too. jealousy comes from not understanding or believing what the other person is feeling. again, these are just my thoughts and i could be completely off base

Ah, the old difference between making love and sex for sex's sake argument. Open relationships can be a lot of fun as long as the rules are agreed to before hand and both parties communicate should a new feeling arise. I love the idea of a regular SO coming home after a night of sex and telling me all about it while we make love (or just have wild sex as lovers often do). If the SO was having sex with a woman even the better from my viewpoint. Less to worry about from a competitive viewpoint. After all, its hard to feel inadequate in the hung department if its a clitoris you are competing against. Its like the old song, "Save the last dance for me" - as long as there is trust, no problems!

Fear is a very base instinct in everyone; especially for men.

There is the fear of commitment; the fear of performance; the fear of losing what you feel you have gained in a relationship. We are at base a very neurotic specimen.

It is the very rare individuals that can acheive happiness in an open relationship; however, those that do I am extremely jealous of....the ability to be completly open and honest with someone is an incredibly feeling; it is something to be cherished.

Guys do like a sense of home. It is where they retreat to from slaying dragons all day, and they want everything in its proper place; a comfort zone, so to speak. Adding a third dynamic to the arena to most is a complication and we return to the fear factor; fear of performance, fear of rejection, fear of losing what you have developed.

Almost every answer to your inquiry will either begin with the word trust and end with the word trust. To find that individual to have complete trust in and enjoy the sexuality of each with no complications is a rare and beautiful thing.

I wish you well; go with your base instincts; they are usually right to begin with.....

Great question, Maxene;

I was in the Lifestyle for some time but since I am single at the moment I am pretty dormant currently.

The Lifestyle is NOT for everyone. Note that this is the first thing I start out with and for good reason.

The first discussion you would need to have with your partner is boundaries. Will you two be full swap or soft swap? For instance, you mention that you were not "allowed" a threesome. You also state that you are a very bisexual woman. One boundary issue common in this situation is whether you and your partner can play seperately or not. If you can play seperately, are you restricted to only females? Then, is there a number of times U can see a certain female? (ie.- Is there a concern you two would get too "close"?) When you play together, do you play in the same room or in different rooms? How about kissing the other person (this is actually a MAJOR boundary issue for many Lifestyle couples)? These boundaries may shift and change over time and that is normal.

Interestingly, many couples enter the Lifestyle because threesomes (FFM) have caused too many problems and they want to see if a couple-couple situation works better. The answer is almost always a resounding yes.

I will tell you one thing. Entering the Lifestyle will either solidify or tear the relationship apart very quickly. Make sure that you are really ready to choose this path. If you have any hesitation, don't proceed. Just as you get to enjoy the Lifestyle, make sure that you are ready to watch (and hear) your partner enjoying the Lifestyle as well. Things can get very dramatic if U suddenly, in the heat of the moment, decide that this is not what U thought it was going to be like. As with vanilla relationships, even more so in the Lifestyle, communication, trust and loyalty go very, very far on this path.

Take care and Good Luck!