Help me please

I tried asking this in the retard board but those reprobates were no help.

I am in HUGE trouble and I don't know what to do.

I am obese. But I found that using Herbalife, I am losing weight.

Then I hit the Jackpot. My herbalife dealer is also a working girl. So I meet up with her and fill two needs at once. Life is good.

Last week, I had sone deer meat that was about to go bad so I made Big Jake's "I promise this chili is so good that your neighbor will get the shits" chili. I get thrown out of the home depot, but that is another story.

Anyways on the way to the casa de Big Jake, I stop off to get some herbalife and pussy. Well i am mid stroke when the pains hit way down in my gut. I toss her off my huge cock and run/waddle to the shitter.

Well I drop what us professional shitters like to call a gut blaster. It hit so hard that I felt the cool relief from the splash back. Since I'm not in real danger of exploding I ho ahead and finish dropping the kids at pool. I'm looking for something to read and boom there is my girl's phone.

I look my name up to see if she has anything to say about her big papi, and there is my wife's name and number. Now mrs big Jake is what we would call "not petite" and bi. So now I am wondering if MBJ is buying pussy or herbalife from this girl.

That night I'm getting into bed and mbj asks why my ass is blue. WTF, this girl has so much cleaner in the shitter. It must have stained my ass cheecks. So now I have a cheating fat wife, a decietful herbalife selling girlfriend and a major case of the smurf swamp ass. FML.

What do I do? Please help me.

try bleach!

Check your wifes ass. If its blue too than you guys should do a three-some.

The real question is: Did the Herbalife girl let you finish banging her after you dropped a duce in the bathroom?


Waiting...........Waiting..... ......The MF reference has to be right around the corner

Speaking strictly as the man-whore that I am, I'm liking the threesome idea, depending on how things are between you and the wife. Of course, do you know if the girl does other things? Perhaps they are acquainted in some other non-sexual way?

The sensitive BFE-part of me, however, is bothered by this:

I'm looking for something to read and boom there is my girl's phone.

I look my name up to see if she has anything to say about her big papi, and there is my wife's name and number. Originally Posted by Big Jake

If the tables were turned, and you had left YOUR phone in the bathroom, would you have wanted your Herbalife-and-pussy-salesgirl to be going through YOUR phone? Maybe jotting down some numbers and names for "future use"?

You've put yourself in a very awkward situation.

White Asses can quickly become discolored from crap tracks, explosive farts, dirt, grime and toilet bowl waters. Fortunately, there are a variety of ways to remove the grime and return them to white once again.

You Will Need:

• Cleaning product:
  • Clorox Bleach
  • All-purpose cleaner
  • Purple Power
  • SOS pads
  • Simple Green
• Stiff wire brush or Scrubbing pad (ex: Scotch Brite)

Steps to Clean the Ass and returning it to a natural bright white.:

1. Begin by selecting your cleaning product. These are readily available in most automotive departments as well as automotive supply stores. Household products are often effective as well, just ensure they are safe for the ass and will not result in early wear.
2. Spray the cleaner directly onto the ass or apply it to the scrubbing pad first. Be sure to spread the cheeks and dig in deep to insure no left over residue can seep back out.
3. Now, it just takes some elbow grease and time. Scrub the debris from the ass.
4. Rinse frequently with water and bleach to check your progress.
5. Reapply the cleaner as needed and rinse the scrubbing pad frequently as well.
6. Once the ass is clean, rinse thoroughly with water and dry.

Additional Tips and Advice

• Though cleaners such as Comet work well, they can dry out the ass which can lead to early wear. Choose cleaners carefully and ensure they are safe for the ass.
• For the easiest cleaning, keep on top of the ass, cleaning it every week or two. These frequent cleanings will allow for shorter, easier cleaning times in the future.\

The above technique worked well for me. The only thing I might add is baby powder.... I like a freshly powderd hiney....


You may need some help with the above depending on just how obese you are. Can you actually reach your ass? If not you should call Wayward and get him to meet you at one of those Industrial High Pressure Car Washes..... I'm sure he would assist you in getting into those hard to reach spots with the High Pressure Spray Wand and the Soapy Brush....



Regarding your other problem with the wife and your puss needs...... I too suffer from being overly round.....

I'm too lazy to make trips to Herbalife dealers so I found DietGourmet... www.dietgourmet.com

A hot little college coed delivered my food twice a week and I corrupted her into providing on her twice weekly visits.... I checked her phone and my wife's name was not in it but I did find a "Mrs JAKE" using all big letters for the JAKE.... I'm sorry if that brings you more pain.

personally... If my wife is getting some puss on the side I'm OK with it. So long as I don't have to know about it or pay for it...

Sorry you have to deal with this...we all know how hard it is to find out that the special lady in your life is seeing someone else..... It hurts.... Don't dump her though... It's hard to find a decent looking diet food peddler that will fuck you too....


If neither of the above work well for you then fabricate an article from the Medical Journal of the dangers of Blue Balls spreading to the entire body due to a lack of nookie and maybe the wife will agree to "suck the poison" out of your body through the penis... Be sure the fabricated article explains the need for total shaft engulfment..... This worked for me once on that naive wench that was my first wife..... Warn her that if left untreated and it spreads she will be standing next to Papa Smorf at all the family functions you have to attend together throughout the year.

seriously.... did the provider let you finish fucking her after you dropped the "mother-of-all-bombs" in her shitter?

Big Jake wrote:
...a major case of the smurf swamp ass.

After I stopped laughing long enough to finish reading this... I am with Brad...

You can't leave us hangin', inquiring minds want to know! How did the remainder of the session go after dropping the big deuce deuce? What's up with the unsolved mystery about your wife being in her phone? I'd try for a three-way, sans the chilli ; )

If you're cheating, how in the HELL can you be pissed if your is cheating? That is, IF she's cheating. You don't have proof of that. People have other people's phone numbers in their phone. I got a shitload of numbers in mine, but I'm not having sex with all of them. If you jump to conclusion with her and you might give yourself away. Do you have any proof your wife is cheating? If not, don't get ahead of yourself. Wait for clues that suggest she is (unexplainable lapses in time and shit like that).

And yeah....did the provider let you finish the session? WTF! We're waiting for an answer!!

Um... well this is a very frank thread, to say the least. I'm a little disturbed by the fact that you checked the provider's phone.

Providers! Password protect your phones. Fo reals.

Um... well this is a very frank thread, to say the least. I'm a little disturbed by the fact that you checked the provider's phone.

Providers! Password protect your phones. Fo reals. Originally Posted by Sensual Sophia

I agree, I was gonna say something earlier, but I had a million things to do today.

I don't think it is cool to be snooping in her phone. I don't WANT to know personal information about providers I see. I want it to remain relatively anonymous.

The rest of the story is great though.

I had no idea that Monica Foxx sold Herbalife!!

Laugh and Breathe it will get better! !
everybody has there faults!!!!EVERYBODY!!!\
and sorry guys my cell is locked even if ya could find it on silent you can't check it!!!

Tell your wife she needs to get a phone for her hobbying. Duh