- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and flat tire.
- The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s milk and newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
- Sex is like air. It only become really important when you’re not getting any.
- Don’t aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
- Remember, no one is listening until you fart.
- Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
· If you think nobody cares whether you’re dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
· Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
· If at first you don’t succeed, avoid skydiving.
· Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
· Have you ever loaned someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.
· If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
· Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windshield.
· Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
· Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
· The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
· A closed mouth gathers no feet.
· There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
· Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much if your lips are moving.
· Never miss a good chance to shut up.
· Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
· When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our ass. From there on in, life gets worse.
· The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.
