Psychology of BDSM

BDSM is not a mental illness, but many social prejudices against it remain in society, promoted by erroneous ideas. That is the focus of my activism. It is my belief....and that of current psychiatric thinking,) that true and lasting fulfillment comes of identifying one's deepest psychological needs, as an individual. Needs that are not met, can turn into negative obsessions that can take a lot of energy and seriously detract from the quality of life. It is important to identify your needs, and find a way to get your them met in a safe, sane, consensual and positive manner.... The aspect of "play" in a BDSM relationship can be scary and confusing for those who are new to it. A common misconception is that one has to have pain play in the relationship, this is not true. Another common misconception is that play starts at an intense stage and stays there, this is also not true. For those who are beginning in BDSM, are anxious to try different types of play, but wish to go slow, it is often hard to find information that meets those needs. Most people will agree that taking it slowly is the best course of action, specially if you are new to the physical aspects of BDSM. It is dangerous for yourself and your partner(s) to rush into things you do not know how to do. Practice and planning are essential when trying new things.

As a provider, I can offer Sub/Dom play ie: spanking, humiliation, strap-on training, worship ect..

But as far as a true, REAL BDSM relationship, I honestly don't think.. No, I am almost sure such a thing is not possible. I have been a collared slave, a worship goddess, and dominatrix to their full, saturated, and entirely committed degrees.

The depths of intimacy and realm of psyche you must attain and share share with your partner is so very personal, intense, and so very affecting to you that it's especially improbable an escort client could coordinate well enough to get.

P.S. As far as the posers I encounter that think BDSM is defined by being an abusive ass hole, I've got a tazer for that...

You a Escort... I'm a Lifestyle and Professional Femdom. I only speak from personal experience and the relationship I'm currently in. But in my post Im just giving advice to people who want to start to understand. I think you have Lifestyle and Professional Confused. But in any form. Ive never been a abusive asshole. Maybe your bad experience as a sub brought on these feelings.

@ ErotixElite - Actually the DSM-IV no longer lists BDSM as an illness. Just like being a homosexual is no longer considered an illness. Times and views change.

But you are right about the misconception aspect... there are plenty of misconceptions in and around the BDSM lifestyle. It is what you make of it. Your local groups and friends are going to have some rules that are going to probably be more important to you than say the Old Guard rules that others observe and follow for their group. But at the end of the day its going to be what you and your partner(s) want out of it that are of primary importance.

There has been a long-standing argument whether or not a provider can be a domme, a prodomme can give a 'real' session, or if you can 'only' get it all in a true lifestyle relationship.

The easy answer is... it depends. It depends on the people involved, it depends on the quality of their offerings, it depends on etc. It's always about the individuals involved. You may be sessioning with the most highly-rated pro-domme in the world, but if the client does not connect with them, its a waste of time and money (though I can see the logic of the argument that there is never a 'waste' of money when it comes to pay-for-play).

A couple in my local scene used to be into bullwhipping. The top was a lady, who sometimes did pro sessions, but she was certainly a master with that whip! Her bottom used to be suspended by his ankles and she'd take that 14' whip and to see it when it worked was truly a wonderous site to behold. But other times she would have struck him 3-4 times and he would just not be in the zone, and he would tell her, and they would end the scene. She did not enjoy things if he did not, and there were never any hard feelings about it. They both realized they had something to give and take from the other, but without that energy flowing back and forth, it was a waste of time for each of them.

a worship goddess, and dominatrix to their full, saturated, and entirely committed degrees.

The depths of intimacy and realm of psyche you must attain and share share with your partner is so very personal, intense, and so very affecting to you that it's especially improbable an escort client could coordinate well enough to get.
Originally Posted by picturethis

I have also experienced the same things and I can tell you that it is NOT improbable that an escort can provide this. It all depends on the person, like the OP said planning, and clear communication. If the provider is inexperienced, that's another thing.

There's plenty of information available to learn about BDSM. There are many books and resources that are available on the subject that are a breeze to find now that the world has gone cyber. However nothing takes the place of experience.

As far as the psychological aspect of BDSM it is a very sexy, cerebral game for those who enjoy it.

As far as escorts are concerned, escorts can offer and some are quite good at playing this way but there is a difference in the desires of their clientele versus that of a professional dominatrix but there is that overlap

That being said I do think that edge play is best left to experienced players or experienced ProDommes given that some activities can be too dangerous for newbies.

Very true ladies....

I know you personally ms luxury so you know i know that

I have also experienced the same things and I can tell you that it is NOT improbable that an escort can provide this. It all depends on the person, like the OP said planning, and clear communication. If the provider is inexperienced, that's another thing. Originally Posted by Luxury Daphne

I understand what you're saying; and I guess I'm misjudging the populations view of what a real, connected, intimate sub/dom relationship is. My comments were referencing that kind of relationship, ones that takes months and months and years to grow. I guess I'm still too much of a newbie to have nurtured such intense relationships with a client; but personally I don't see it as a manageable arrangement.

Sub/dom play is what I've seen most often. Spanking, humiliations, worship.. even some light bondage, or breath control play if you have trust. But beyond that, the amount of time it would take to cultivate that connection seems too high for anyone I've played with.

I understand what you're saying; and I guess I'm misjudging the populations view of what a real, connected, intimate sub/dom relationship is. My comments were referencing that kind of relationship, ones that takes months and months and years to grow. I guess I'm still too much of a newbie to have nurtured such intense relationships with a client; but personally I don't see it as a manageable arrangement.

Sub/dom play is what I've seen most often. Spanking, humiliations, worship.. even some light bondage, or breath control play if you have trust. But beyond that, the amount of time it would take to cultivate that connection seems too high for anyone I've played with. Originally Posted by picturethis

if you click and meet each other's expectations, it doesn't have to take years to cultivate a relationship.

if you click and meet each other's expectations, it doesn't have to take years to cultivate a relationship. Originally Posted by Luxury Daphne

I'm going to have to politely disgree on this one. While you can indeed have a mind-blowing meeting with someone you first met, I don't think its possible for most people to truly get into a deep ds relationship. Everyone that I've ever met in the lifestyle, including those that have had really good play experiences in one-off sessions, has said that things only get better the more you can trust someone.

We all pretty much realize that in a P4P, you can't do the things you want. People have limits (on both sides of the $). Some things people won't do with a stranger, and some they won't do with anyone who isn't their partner.

A good suck/fuck/whip session of an hour or two with a domme who clicks with you (and let's hope so for the fees you pay!) is nowhere near as fulfilling as when you are able to build up trust and desire that comes through continued playing with someone who earns (and deserves) your trust.

I'm not saying it can't happen... but I think it's very far outside the norm for most people. I personally find it very hard to establish that sort of relationship when I'm payinig for their attention. If it's done as a fix, then yeah, its possible. But when it's over those feeligs go away because I'm not paying for them anymore. In a relationship I know that I can count on her to be there before, during and after. P4P just doesn't work that way.

ok I can see your point.

I'm going to have to politely disgree on this one. While you can indeed have a mind-blowing meeting with someone you first met, I don't think its possible for most people to truly get into a deep ds relationship. Everyone that I've ever met in the lifestyle, including those that have had really good play experiences in one-off sessions, has said that things only get better the more you can trust someone.

We all pretty much realize that in a P4P, you can't do the things you want. People have limits (on both sides of the $). Some things people won't do with a stranger, and some they won't do with anyone who isn't their partner.

A good suck/fuck/whip session of an hour or two with a domme who clicks with you (and let's hope so for the fees you pay!) is nowhere near as fulfilling as when you are able to build up trust and desire that comes through continued playing with someone who earns (and deserves) your trust.

I'm not saying it can't happen... but I think it's very far outside the norm for most people. I personally find it very hard to establish that sort of relationship when I'm payinig for their attention. If it's done as a fix, then yeah, its possible. But when it's over those feeligs go away because I'm not paying for them anymore. In a relationship I know that I can count on her to be there before, during and after. P4P just doesn't work that way. Originally Posted by Krunkman

Wonderful post, you captured exactly what I was unable to convey. There is always the ability to have an amazing experience with someone; but for those who are after that real, almost tangible connection that comes from an intimate ds relationship it's going to be very difficult to find when you're paying/being payed.

I've had subs with whom I've played with for over 2 years; so yes, it can happen but this was a very defined arrangement. We liked each other, clicked well, had a set schedule (2 times a week) and since I really enjoyed myself and we saw each other often my rates were very manageable.

[I][FONT=Georgia][SIZE=3]BDSM is not a mental illness, but many social prejudices against it remain in society, promoted by erroneous ideas. Originally Posted by ErotixElite

True , that is why therapists and psychologists use the reference sex-postive and kink-awareness (kink-friendly) when promoting their services without judgement. I do deeple believe that some areas within BDSM context are more powerful in transformational challenges of personality (also if you had bad experiences or trauma in the past) than usual therapy is.

As to the discussion whether P4P can be the same as private encounters. In my experience it can, but only if you establish a profound and trusting ongoing relationship with a client. It does not work any other way in BDSM, because you need to trust people. I had clients - first timers wanting to try breath play, and i told them i can`t do it, because we need to establish trust first. I let them try it by themselves first, and was not touching them, but told them how to do it by themselves. Had i tried it, they would have been so focussing on the fear that the pleasure would have not been there. Strictly speaking, i think that P4P is more powerful within the areas of personal development than private ancounters, because you have not the same agendas like in private relationships. I think you can let loose better and focus on "your" needs more selfishly than in private. Its similar to therapist and client relationships. If you get too close (as in love and private contexts) it is a different experience. Of course also powerful , but not therapeutic. I wonder what some of you think of that?

Strictly speaking, i think that P4P is more powerful within the areas of personal development than private ancounters, because you have not the same agendas like in private relationships. I think you can let loose better and focus on "your" needs more selfishly than in private. Its similar to therapist and client relationships. If you get too close (as in love and private contexts) it is a different experience. Of course also powerful , but not therapeutic. I wonder what some of you think of that? Originally Posted by ninasastri

I think there's a lot of truth in that statement. When you are paying for it, then yes, I do think you can require your partner to focus on exactly what you want to do. You don't need to be concerned with a 50/50 relationship. And there is something to be said for trying activities that you may not want someone in your social circle to know you are interested in... so going to a provider as a one (or more) shot thing does have its perks.

But with that being said, I also think that this also limits this sort of thing to a very small subset of people who can afford to pay to first establish that the provider can actually do this, and then you need to have enough sessions with them to know that you can trust them enough to open up to them.

Both of these are variables, and each person is going to establish their individual number of trys before they are able to reach that point. And, lets not forget that you need to factor in things like providers who say one thing but aren't qualified, or being with someone who after a few sessions you determine isn't meshing well enough with you to make it work.