Stupid Jokes Thread

Ah... A Little Johnny (AKA Little Johnny Fuckerfaster) joke! Solid!

A middle-aged man walks into the Doctor’s office and presents his problem, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis has turned orange."

The Doctor conducts an exam and sure enough, the man’s penis is orange. Ruling out any disease, the doctor scratches his head and attempts to determine any stress or psychological reasons for the coloration.

“How is your work life?” asks the Doctor.

The man replied, “ I was recently fired about 6 weeks ago.” “Aha!” said the Doctor, “This must be the causing you a lot of stress!”

The man responds, "No. My old boss was a real asshole, I had to work extra hours each week without additional pay and had no say in how things were run. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where the boss is great, I can set my own hours, and I'm getting paid double what I used to get”.

The Doctor asks, "How's your home life?"

The man responded, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." “Aha!” said the Doctor, “This must be the causing you a lot of stress!”

The man responds, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. I am so glad to be rid of that old bitch."

Having two strikes, the Doctor goes for one last question. “Tell me about your hobbies and your social life.”

The man replies, "Not much to tell, really. I sit at home each night watching porno and eating Cheetos."

I found this picture on the internet. Got me to thinking.....

I can only imagine two soldiers sitting around the local Hooters at Fort Bragg (there in Fayetteville, NC) and making comments about the girls..... somehow one dares the other to use the words, "camel toe" and "snatch" in the name of a new business logo..... LMAO.

Respectfully,
OldSarge

Another sign I found on the internet.

Probably best not to take some things out of context and make sure you properly reference your quote.........

This is a very old, Gene Tracy era joke.
Once, there was this truckstop in Pennsylvania that got snowed in for a week. After a couple of days, the waitress was so disgusted by the things she was doing with those dirty truckers, she killed herself. After a couple more days, the truckers were so disgusted by the things they were doing, they buried her.

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat
The kids were both gone,and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

"I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

Then the drunk leans on the table one more time and says "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma loved it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa... you're drunk... GO HOME!!"

Not really sure what they are trying to convey with this picture.......

"Give it to me" she yelled. "I'm so f**king wet, give it to me now!"

She can scream all she wants but I'm keeping the umbrella!

LMAO! Welcome back Buck! Missed you. man.


Randi told me a joke....... she said what do you call a blonde who dyes her hair black?

A: Artificial Intelligence

The other day, a woman got wooden breast implants.
A funny punchline would be good here,
wooden t i t?

Here's to nipples!
Because without them,
Breast would be pointless.