Stupid Jokes Thread

I went to a zoo, and the only animal there was a dog… …it was a shitzu

The Killeen police just reported a break in at their own police station. All the toilet seats have been stolen.
No suspects yet as there is nothing to go on.

There was a young married couple in central Texas.

The hot young wife was complaining to her husband that she really needed a line in the family budget for her own personal discretion. She really didn’t want to have to ask him for a few bucks here and there every time she wanted to buy something just for herself.

The husband tells her he thinks she needed to earn it, but he doesn’t want her to work outside the house.

Later that night, he brings a piggy bank to the bedroom and sets it on a table next to the bed.

The couple proceeds to go to bed and make love. Upon completion of the lovemaking session, the husband puts a $20 bill in the piggy bank. He tells his wife that he would put $20 in the piggy bank when the sex was great, $10 when it was average and nothing if she did not perform or did not perform to his standard. This was how she was going to earn it.

Nothing else was said and this ritual went on for about a year.

One night, in the midst of passionate sex, the piggy bank is knocked over and falls to the floor, busting wide open. The wife turns on the light and begins to pick up the mess. The husband looks over and realizes that the pile of cash that had been in the bank was huge, and that there were quite a few $50s and $100s in the wad of bills.

He wondered how she had managed to put away so much money on their tight household budget, so he asks her “What’s up with all the 50s and 100s?”

The wife replies, “Not everyone is a cheap as you are.”

Q: What do you call oral sex first thing in the morning?

A: A GREAT head start to the day......

Why is it when I hear those ads on the radio about coming into the spa and getting a facial, that I am positive men and women hear the word "facial" and think two different things?

hell Angie's lists, says they have the best providers in the area
not one of them damn "dog walkers" even knew what cim meant !

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his ill father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few months my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men

Buckskin, You promised you wouldn't bring my mom up again!

Did ya hear about the dyslexic man that walked into a bra....

Did ya hear about the dyslexic man that walked into a bra.... Originally Posted by Buckskin

No. but there is a group of dyslexic, agnostic, insomniacs here in Killeen that meet in a support group.

They all stay awake at night and wonder if there is a Dog?

Do you know the difference between a bolt a screw........oh never mind.

The Blowjob

On my birthday, I get a blowjob.
On our anniversary, I get a blowjob.
On Valentines Day, I get a blowjob.
On every major celebratory occasion, I get a blowjob.

So why is it when I pull my cock out at my mother-in-law's funeral, I am called insensitive?

TW, you were not insensitive for pulling your cock out.... it was when you gave your MIL a facial that you went over the top.

Sadly, i too am no longer invited to open casket funerals either

Two whales overturn a ship, using their blowholes.
"Shall we eat the crew"? Asks Mr. Whale.
"Certainly not!" Answers Mrs. Whale.
" While I will do blow jobs.... I won't eat sea men!"