How much would you ask for a recipe?

MA, Have them call it "Diamond and Tuxedo Chili." Originally Posted by SR Only

Depending on how hot your chili is, you could call it High Dollar Hottie Chili.


INEXPERIENCED CHILI JUDGE


Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

______________________________ ___________________________

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

______________________________ ___________________________

CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
______________________________ ____________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
______________________________ ______________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to
look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

______________________________ _________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks!
______________________________ __________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
______________________________ _____________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my
damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it. I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.
______________________________ ______________________

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a
really hot chili?

Funny NB

NB--

I started laughing out loud at about Chili #3, and didn't stop until well after I finished reading the post. You really are very entertaining, and I appreciate it.

.
Yes yes I know, this is a Texas board and Texas owns chili...but there's room for all of us. Originally Posted by Marcus Aurelius

No, they don't own chili. They're still learning and someday I might teach them.

Colette, I love it!

Colette,

I knew immediately it was a joke. Chili con carne, literally is peppers with meat.

Texans know Chili, and Texans know: "If you know beans about Chili, you know Chili ain't got no beans!"

Per the Chili Appreciation Society International rules (http://www.chili.org/rules.html), no fillers are allowed (No beans, rice, etc), and the discharging of weapons is also disallowed. Yes, sometimes we're a bit serious, and get a bit of a killjoy vibe going about both chili and barbeque.

I particularly like the rule that a contestant may be asked to taste their chili before judging. Refusal to do so results in disqualification. I guess I'd call this the combustibly toxic chili rule. If it is so hot you won't eat it, the judges won't either!

When you need a rule like that, you've got real chiliheads, and real chili!

It is funny to watch people during a chili cookoff. A group of my friends have one each year. We each cook up a pot of our best, and we all rate our chilis. If you aren't hot enough, you just get lost in the crowd among the rest, and finish in the middle. The winner is hot enough to be mildly uncomfortable (To a Texan, which means most of the US has already grabbed a fire extinguisher.), and yet have distinct meat flavors. It seems like a mix of beef with some wild game usually wins.

Now I'm hoping for a cool day, so I have an excuse to make some chili!

Best chili I ever ate was made with elk meat and, I think, pequin pepper (mostly). It was done by a now deceased friend of mine. Same peppers were used in a little bar in southern OK. They served oyster crackers with it but, of course, it was too thick to even think of putting crackers in it. Just the beer and the red. The only thing lacking was a lady to share with. LOL

BTW, have any of you had a good bowl of red and then indulged yourself with a little dessert at the Y?

No, they don't own chili. They're still learning and someday I might teach them. Originally Posted by John Bull

Yep, I've heard the Ohio Chili Cookoff is world renowned.

We don't have cook-off's up here. We just eat red, we don't exhibit it.

We just eat red, we don't exhibit it. Originally Posted by John Bull

Understandable.

We don't have cook-off's up here. We just eat red, we don't exhibit it. Originally Posted by John Bull

someone gave me a british recipe once..went something like this..

get a pot

boil water

toss food in it for a while

get it out

put it on a plate and serve it

someone gave me a british recipe once..went something like this..

get a pot

boil water

toss food in it for a while

get it out

put it on a plate and serve it Originally Posted by nevergaveitathought

Works only if the English can boil water. Which is doubtful.

We can to boil water. How else would we make the stout to go with our chili?

We can too boil water. How else would we make the stout to go with our chili? Originally Posted by John Bull

Apparently, they can't speak English either.

Apparently, they can't speak English either. Originally Posted by pjorourke

To much stout...not enough chili.