Good jokes

A man is walking behind his wife and told her " your bottom is looking so big it looks like an old washing machine"
The wife keeps quiet and continues to go to bed
When the husband jumped into bed with her he starts to get aroused the wife says " I'm not starting this old washing machine for such a small load will have to do it yourself"

A man is walking behind his wife and told her " your bottom is looking so big it looks like an old washing machine"
The wife keeps quiet and continues to go to bed
When the husband jumped into bed with her he starts to get aroused the wife says " I'm not starting this old washing machine for such a small load will have to do it yourself" Originally Posted by Vivi Boyt

THATS GREAT !!!! Got.me cracking up

Two guys are in a supermarket and their carts collide...Bob says "Im sorry, I was looking for my wife"...What a coincidence, "So am I replied Joe and I'm getting a little concerned since I can't find her"...Well maybe I can help you locate her says Bob...What does she look like asks Bob?...Joe replies, "She is tall, with long hair, long legs and magnificent firm tits and ass", what does your wife look like?...Never mind says Bob, lets look for yours...

Darkness is in the Hospital, He is recovering nicely.

It seems Darkness's wife loves to shop frequently.

So,

Darkness decided to get a Tattoo.
He Had a Hundred Dollar Bill tattooed on his Penis.
Returning home that evening he, Showed his wife, the Tattoo.
He also told her, she can Blow a Hundred Dollars every day.

As I said, Darkness is recovering nicely.


.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train... His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp...
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender...
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy...
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he
must have had something in his hand..."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it..."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight..."

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one sunny afternoon. Walking down the street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he shoots his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!"

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one sunny afternoon. Walking down the street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.
"Get the fucking manager of this pigshit middle class wank pit please you cock sucking cunt", he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. "Can I help you sir?' he says. "Yes you can you fucking fat assed piece of shit, I saw your shitty advert in the cunting window and I'm here to fucking audition. Wanker!"
The manager is naturally a little put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, "Wonderful! Wonderful! What was that called?" "That song, you big nosed fucking twat, was called 'Excuse Me Prime Minister But I Just Spunked In Your Fucking Daughter's Eye, And Now The Cunt's Blind.' " "Oh" says the manager, somewhat taken aback, "err, can you play me another? Something a little less lively maybe?" "Fucking wanker..." interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad of such beauty that it leaves the manager in tears. The manager, through his teardrops asks him the title. "That little number was called 'Sometimes When You Fuck A Bird Up The Shit Box You Get Crap On Your Bell End.' " "I see" says the manager. "Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?" "Well there's my jazz number 'Do You Want Me To Spit In Your Ringpiece', or there's the epic 'I Don't Give A Fuck If You're Older My Dear, You've Still Got Fucking Cracking Jugs' ".
"Look," says the manager, "I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little dodgy, to say the least. I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience." "Fuck it", says the pianist, "why cunting not?" On his first night everything is going superbly and the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is simply being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a hard-on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he shoots his load he hears himself being re-introduced over the sound system, so he rushes back to the stage to finish his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the same blonde approaches him.
"Hi" she says. "Oh, hello" he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your trousers and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?" Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her square in the eye and says, "Know it? I fucking wrote it!!" Originally Posted by hvacman

This a joke or book , lol

Most men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house...All men kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife

An old Irishman is sitting in a bar looking miserably at his beer. He takes a sip and says "You build the grandest wall in all of Ireland, but do they call you Paddy the Mason? No. You build the biggest bridge in all of Ireland, but do they call you Paddy the Bridge Builder? No. But you fuck one sheep..."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says..."I would have gotten out today."

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking!"

What did the lesbian frog say to her lover?

You know, they're right... We do taste like chicken..


Oh, and from the archives:

What's the difference between a cucumber and a school bus?

Duh; a cucumber has all the little pricks on the outside!

Say g'night Gracie...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ... ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first,"How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a erection.
"The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" I couldn't even get on the bed.."

they say, "There are plenty of fish in the ocean.... "
I Say "I don't fuck a fish! Who fucks a fish?!?!"

Peace
PK