Zabrina, you are an alcoholic. Until you admit you are powerless against alcohol, you will continue to feel pent up rage that will continue to frustrate you. There is alot of self empowerment to the very wise mantra:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can; AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE!
Until you learn, meditate and basically get this simple concept running thru your veins, the computer keyboard and this platform are going to be the definition of insanity
ity that you continue to cry out for help on. And yes, you are crying out for help.
You are lonely, and you want a boyfriend/lover because your heart is broken over you last broken relationship. What if you did not have your beautiful looks? What else about you would be attractive? I think this is what you would like to possibly focus on. You obviously want to have control of someone ( a man ) in your life, but more than that I think you want to be loved by a man you feel is somehow superior to you. It's very difficult to find, hence the proliferation of dating websites.
Alcohol consumption fuels frustration and gives one courage to express pent up rage. I think deep down inside you are lonely and want to be in love like you perhaps knew something about in your previous relationship. Your posts about sex imply a need and desire to merge physically with one who gives you sparks in your soul and makes you feel alive. Duh, guess what? Real, honest love takes time and effort and dedication. It also requires you to leave your ego at the door and to nurture and please a partner despite their imperfections. It requires acceptance and surrender and trust.
Eckhart Tolle is a little dry to listen to, but to quote:
"Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, no against it, make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life".
Personally, I found the most inspiration and truth from my favorite song by Alanis Morissette:
"The moment I let go of it
was the moment I got more than I could handle-
The moment I jumped off of it
was the moment I touched down".
She wrote the song about her stay in India where she learned about people who were seemingly grateful for nothing. The poorest nation ever had the most vibrant color and beauty. They were grateful for the bad, because it was necessary to experience in order to appreciate the good.
I don't know what else to say, but in your posts I see a soul crying out for help and love. Unless you are willing to give what you want to others, you will never receive it fully for yourself. And you need to stop drinking, alcoholism takes a horrible toll on your health. Take a pledge not to drink any alcohol for 1 month and see if you can abstain. Then continue, and try again if you become weak for it. Eat only healthy highly nutritious food with water. Your body needs lots of nutrition to combat alcohol cravings. And stop hanging out in bars.