Ridiculous Texts & Voicemails

Maybe that was my text, Maci. I forget when I'm tipsy

You don't have any tipsy texts from me, Nat?

I hate the texts at 3am... "u up, i want to f*** you right now" Ugh PA-LEASE. Im in bed by 10pm!!

This one's a gem:

2:40pm: When you available?
3:13 pm: Do I know you?
11:48 pm: I'm ready.
12:09 pm: That's nice to know.

You don't have any tipsy texts from me, Nat? Originally Posted by motorboating

Omigoodness. I'm suddenly very happy that Google Voice saves all of my texts. From the "motorboating Hall of Fame":

2:55 pm: brunch at union park is petty nice. I'm getting a move buzz off bottomless mimosa
2:58 pm: I haven't done brunch there. Klovve and I did brunch at Mulberry today. It was yum. What's a move buzz?
3:25 pm: ha bottomless mimosa getting to me ;-)

1:12 am: where you at? I'm on 6th trying to.her an ear for this girl

2:11 am: just slammed a couple beers college style. wheweee

9:31 pm: going out? just had delish burger at black sheep. heading to trifecta next.
11:43 pm: you're a goin' out sonofabitch. in bed for the night, but come hang out at momo's and saxon tomorrow. do it.
11:45 pm: cool. if I survive a possible snuggie crawl, I'll swing by. I'm such a motorboating slut. embarassed for kissing maci & marie. errrr
11:46 pm: you kissed maci AND marie? you whore!

11:50 pm: it was only a kiss, it was only a kiss.
12:21 am: you are not inviting me to karaoke Mr. Brightside, sir. You will regret it. And so will your ears.

I give dancers (and escorts I don't really know) my Google Voice number. I tend to be generous in clubs so this means a lot of dancers have my GV number. This allows me to segregate my texts into bizarre stream-of-consciousness demands for money from my drunken friends and bizarre stream-of-consciousness demands for money from drunken people I barely know.

Some of the highlights (these are all verbatim out of my GV history):

you are my favorite from OKcupid ever
I don't have an OKcupid account
liar! I never give this number out!
Um, OK. Can you describe me?
you're totally hot
...does that work with everyone you text blindly?
usually

---

you need to come to the club
OK, which one?
you don't know? how many girls do you give your number to!!!!!!
At least as many as you give yours to.
fuck you

---

honey I need some money
I am tempted to give you some. You are the most honest person to text me tonight.
are u serious
No.

--

i <3 u
Describe me
you're kinda short and fat
Damn, you could do so much better
u are so right!!!!!!
Glad I could be of service.

---

are u coming to the club tonight
Nope, short on $
u could hit the atm
You do realize that when I say I'm short on money, that includes my bank account. I don't carry every dime of my assets on me at every given moment. This is why, in fact, we have banks.
why u gotta be so mean
Because you just asked me for money twice.
ok

I think we who have been in this biz, and know how it works, forget that there are those you only know what they see in films. They have no clue as to how this really works.

Yes, you can contact some sex workers who will just up and come see you even if they have know idea who you are. Said sex workers also have no idea how this is supposed to work.

I recently turned some guys on to this site, and what I do. They are clueless. I'm trying to teach them to do their homework ahead of time. Being that it's at work, we don't have a lot of time to chat about it, so it's a slow process. I'm having fun with it.

They were shocked that someone like me has done this, but then they are impressed with what I know.

I love the attention. I know, it could backfire, but I have also warned them, that because I am a pro, I know how to hurt them if they tell anyone. And I will.

Damn, I think I got off topic, Sorry.

I don't publish my number, learned that mistake. I once posted my number in an ad in San Antonio when the ASPD site was up. I was wanting some quick replies. Little did I realized, that then you could Google my number (yes, it was my personal number, mistake #1) and that ad would come up.
When I went to try and find a new job, I then had to buy a prepaid phone for job hunting. Just in case.

Anyway.

Funny stuff. Thanks for sharing!

PR

I never publish my number, I just know better.

I just don't answer any contact that I didn't associate with a name.

Natalie, as always, thanks for the entertaining topic and the hilarious tales.

Vyt--damn, man, you are the Knight of the Living Deadpan!

Hey when did someone kiss me??? HAHA

For a long time, I refrained from putting my phone number on ads or websites because the time wasters just seem to crawl out of the woodwork when they have direct access to your phone number. Instead, I offered a phone number after screening was complete and a session was scheduled.

But I recently made the mistake of listing my phone number with my profile on another site. Almost immediately, I started receiving ridiculous texts and voicemails from various numbers. I'm sure we all get strange messages like these from time to time, so I thought I'd share.

Keep in mind, I have no idea who any of these people are when they first contact me. So sometimes I decided to have a bit of fun. My responses are in purple.

Case Study #1: The Grammatically-Challenged College Student
1:19 pm: When can you come to san marcos?
11:21 pm: Who is this?
11:29 pm: people call me LA but names samuel
11:32 pm: Okay, Samuel. Can I ask where you found me? Do you have any provider references?
11:34 pm: saw u online
11:37 pm: I'm getting the feeling you're new to this.
11:39 pm: yah but if u can cum i gotz the cash
11:43 pm: I have no idea what you're talking about.


Case Study #2: The Exceptionally Eager Serviceman
7:23 pm: Tonite is a good night for an appt. Can you be here by 9?
7:35 pm: Where is here? Have we met?
7:39 pm: No. I live in Killeen. You can come to me right? Can't do any l8r than 9.
7:42 pm: Of course. That's no problem at all. I assume you're booking an overnight appointment, and that you'll have a chopper waiting outside my building to transport me to you once I'm showered and dressed so that I won't be late for our meeting. I'll screen you on the way to Killeen. See you soon! xoxo


Case Study #3: The Guy That Seems to Have Every Provider's Number
2:19 am: u avail?
3:24 am: workin?
3:39 am: i have sum sore mussels
8:24 am: I hear Advil does wonders for aches and pains, but I'm not sure of the proper dosage for shellfish and mollusks.


I'm stuck at work waiting on some project updates... entertain me! Originally Posted by Natalie Reign

Oh that is just freakin funny ! I hate it when I clearly post no texts on my ads and they still do it anyway. Only thang is I dont respond to them cuz most are just tryin to get a rise outta you.

Great topic and hilarious responses.

Hi I saw your ad. I work in wine and tequila. Would you consider some $ fine wine and respesado from the only female distillery in Mexico City for an hour of your time. No insult intended. . He also sends a pic. Of himself on a very new expensive harley davidson!!! LMFAO. Me.... no, but I have some really great guy friends that probably would trade an hour of their time playing foosball with you for your booz!!

just got one that wasnt' nigerian but close and someone who had the last name as me died and they need MY help to .....blah....blah....blah.

I was wondering about the last name same as mine.... D.E.W.?
Walker? (the last name for Willow and Dagny)
or MY real last name?

I'm right there to get those millions out of your country into my bank acct!!!

But really why trust a body rub gal for that?

Just donate all those million dollar opportunities to the U.S. Treasury department with instructions to apply to the national debt...

If every thread was this funny, I'd read Co-ed more often.