Hobbyist/Provider Mentality. Whats yours?

I guess I should just tell ya, Im leaving this world, the hobby world. I made a promise to someone, and well I keep my promises if nothing else. Ive been in an on again off again thing for almost 4 years. In the midst of that Ive tried dating others, no success. I actually told the last moron who expected sex after a $30 dinner that I happen to know for a fact that my ass was worth more than that. I was done. Ive had issues with this other thing due to my need for the power in the hobby. Yes, its powerful for a woman to engage in this. It is also addictive. Recently, I came clean to the "4 yr thingy" with the thought he would run, and well it backfired. Apparently men feel if your that honest about a deep dark secret you must really love him. Ok well its true. But my way of thinking here was fucking up my personal relationships. Now I still feel that women who marry or only stay married for money, house, cars, jewelry, etc. are the equivalent of prostitutes. Wanna guess how many bitch friends I lost with that analysis? lol. In the hobby, I found what I call an "honest deception" and it worked. Everyone is different, and well I think in order for me to rid myself of this "addiction" I need to separate myself completely. I need to rid myself of the mentality of the hobby. I need to rid myself of the mentality that I should be compensated for showing affection. I wonder what a guys equivalent to that would be? Do you have this entitlement thing going as well?

I guess I was wondering if anyone's train of thoughts pertaining to the hobby ever interject itself into your personal life ... Do you have a hard time shaking the hobby mentality ... Originally Posted by kymberlane

Yes. See, Want, Pay, Get has become a bit too ingrained. Saw an attractive lady with a handsome decolletage and found my hands reaching for a sample at a totally inappropriate opportunity. I have grown accustomed to getting what I see/want with minimal effort.

I would say if the guy accepted your history, and you felt comfortable telling him, then your off to a good start.

When I show affection to someone I expect nothing in return. If your expecting something in return its not really affection, it's manipulating.

Congrats on finding someone you really like!

kymberlane, if I interpreted your original post correctly which is like 50% of the time. I readying that you were finding more fulfillment with the guys you were seeing from the hobby side than those who bought you a cheap $30 dinner and expected you on all fours. From a guys stand point I can relate. I'm in my 40's and tired of dating, meeting new people and their PR face for the first few dates only to find out they have serious issues or are a closet Jesus or Wicca freaks. Thus to me I find more enjoyment of late that I've accepted I am my own boss and I can be happy being single and enjoy the hobby without all the drama. I just have to ensure I hobby smartly. It's okay to have fun with a new crowd, it like of like hanging with the people from the office vs other independent friends. Again, I could be completely of base lol. Best of luck to you.

Haha Crash it was one of those things that made more sense in my head than when written out. Sometimes it is hard to convey feelings or what you mean to say. Johnny Yanks hit the nail on the head. And Crash I am in agreement with you on the dating scene. I think its why I gravitated to the hobby world instead. However, Im getting older and cant live in a fantasy forever. But letting go of the mentality seems to be the hardest part of all.

Thanks for the well wishes. Its been a tough year personally, and Ive had some health issues I have had to deal with. Im afraid of normalcy lol. But with that said, this person is one that has a freak side about him, and I love crazy freaky men. So it might not be so normal after all.

Hope everyone has a Safe, Prosperous, and Happy New Year!

Like most women, you have issues that you have not yet resolved and might even be hidden from your awareness.

Sorry to hear you're leaving the hobby world, but then again, you were never really in it, were you?

I hate to break this to you, but you're not as smart as you think you are. When you become wise you realize that there are certain you cannot say publically.

Proclaiming your intelligence to the world only shows how far you yet have to go.

. . .I have discovered that none of us are as smart as we think we are and when we start to believe that we are, the world will turn our world upside down and dramatically remind us of the value of humility.

For a while, I feel I was getting in too deep. I couldnt imagine going on a date in my personal life without getting something in return. And sheesh, you feel entitled to fuck me because you bought me a steak dinner, lol. So I quit dating and preferred to befriend my massage clients--and quite frankly that works(worked) for me. However, over the past few months I have really cut back and have noticed that there is a huge difference between my "normal" world and this one. Its been hard functioning in both. I was given some relationship advice recently by a hobbyist, and even though he tried not to, he spewed hobby bullshit. That was no help at all. I dont think the 2 worlds can coincide with each other in harmony.

My mentality? not sure. I know I was on the border of completely being jaded and being objectified, placing value on myself based on things other than the fact that I am pretty freaking smart and have much more to me than boobs.

What is your mentality? Can you separate the 2 worlds or does one compliment the other in your life? Originally Posted by kymberlane

I guess I should just tell ya, Im leaving this world, the hobby world. I made a promise to someone, and well I keep my promises if nothing else. Ive been in an on again off again thing for almost 4 years. In the midst of that Ive tried dating others, no success. I actually told the last moron who expected sex after a $30 dinner that I happen to know for a fact that my ass was worth more than that. I was done. Ive had issues with this other thing due to my need for the power in the hobby. Yes, its powerful for a woman to engage in this. It is also addictive. Recently, I came clean to the "4 yr thingy" with the thought he would run, and well it backfired. Apparently men feel if your that honest about a deep dark secret you must really love him. Ok well its true. But my way of thinking here was fucking up my personal relationships. Now I still feel that women who marry or only stay married for money, house, cars, jewelry, etc. are the equivalent of prostitutes. Wanna guess how many bitch friends I lost with that analysis? lol. In the hobby, I found what I call an "honest deception" and it worked. Everyone is different, and well I think in order for me to rid myself of this "addiction" I need to separate myself completely. I need to rid myself of the mentality of the hobby. I need to rid myself of the mentality that I should be compensated for showing affection. I wonder what a guys equivalent to that would be? Do you have this entitlement thing going as well? Originally Posted by kymberlane

Good luck to you! I think that it is different for clients than for escorts. A client spends a rare amount of time in the business, and they have an easier time to compartmentalize. While for escorts this business affects a lot, be it with a career or the constant fear of discovery by people you don^t want to discover this. I think specially in the USA this is even harder. It is hard to find people you can be honest with, and I know the cold blooded liars who deceive to no end the people in their private life, as well. I can`t have that mentality, so I have a circle of "alternative" lifestyle friends, to whom this non-burgeouise mentality is not a problem.
Most escorts do not live an alternative lifestyle though, and the cover up and discovering and the inability to focus on career can be an issue. And some people are just incredibly superficial, so it might not matter to them because they don`t have the depth of personality to realize the difference . Some clients are like that as well. But - thank god - this mentality is rather rare.
Let alone private life and establishing true intimacy. It is/was hard for me as well, it all comes with a price. So I get where you`re coming from. And I wish you all the best with that decision!

Wait...you retiring? I need a bit more info to set an accurate over/under...

Pot. Kettle. Black. (or Blue/Red)

Hobbyists can compartmentalize things like emotions very well. Thinck of Tiger Woods ... e was playing golf at its highest level AND maintaining multiple relationships plus the one nighters. Now Tiger is on the extreme of compartmentalizing things but I am sure you get my drift.

Its okay to enjoy the company of some of your clients. I am sure some of them are very interesting people. If they are regulars I am sure its easy to get attached. But you need to remember why they are on your table. Originally Posted by pyramider

Well, but worlds collide and crash. And even though clients can compartmentalize it all comes up at one point. Some do have intense feelings of guilt, but that is more when it comes to affairs that are outside hobbying, than the pure hobby thing.

I feel the remaining dogma on the "hobby" as we call it forces compartmentalization of the personal aspect in our life. Some of the different aspects of our personal lives can fall into four categories; professional, family, community, and private. As a client, to "out" myself will result in personal judgments against would impact my life very negatively. The result would be loss of respect, and probably financial well being, and trust as "someone who pays to have sex with total stranger" is still vieweed by the majority as a taboo and lacking moral character.

After experiencing the hobbying world, I hold no judgement against those who are part of it, and actually gained a greater respect for sex workers in general.

I would like to see the hobby world and personnel world to be less opposed. Not sure if countries where the hobby is legal has less dogma, and less consequences. I am sure single guys can blend the two better as I am married. I am also aware of places or clubs, where hobbiest can meet, and gain social connections, though it is risky.

I believe if I were single, and participating in the hobby, I would be able to combine the two, yet there will still be little lies. My philosophy of living is to break down compartmentalization, and reduction of ego. The reason I prefer to eliminate compartmentalization, is that compartmentalization permits ethical and moral compromise. Whenever you here the word "it is business" there is frequently a moral compromise in the decision.

I think this question can run in circles like many other questions.

So is that it, Decadent Treat?

. . . You've got nothing?

Your awefully grumpy and mean as usual lol

This is an interesting thread. Hard to really comment due to a lot of issues raised.

First for me, it is really simple to compartmentalize the 2 worlds. I have to (as do most guys-- even the single ones). However, I will say it can get addictive-- looking for the next ultimate fuck or wanting the comfortable familiarity of being with a provider you enjoy. It really does take some self control.

Second, I think it is an over-generalization to think that if a guy pays for dinner that he expects sex in reciprocation. I'm sure it happens, but I would think that if a guy is seriously wanting a real relationship, getting sex on the first date is not an expectation. He's going to be a gentleman and consider the way he comes across to his date. If sex happens after the date, fine, but he is not expecting it.

Third, who ever said the hobby is an honest deception nailed it. Playing the hobby game keeps all pre-tenses at bay. Both parties know the score. There are no hidden agendas. Each party is free to open up as much as they want or keep quiet as a clam. Nobody is going to pass judgment.

Fourth, while the game is a little different for providers given the frequency with which the engage in the hobby, I think they too can cope quite well with the duality. It comes back to self control and motivation.