Ladies, Describe How You Decline Dates

If I do not tell a gentleman why I will not accept him, I will be bothered by "Why?" messages for days or weeks until he then decides to curse me out and maybe be done with me if he feels like it. People feel like they have a right to know these things, and to an extent, they are right. Originally Posted by China Doll

I agree with you in all you stated, i feel the same. And i also see it as polite and professional to give a reason. People tend to feel when you are not honest with them or make up things .

The worst is when you get caught up with someone who wants to do heavy emotional processing after you decline a date. A few years ago a guy broke basically every "rule" on my site during our pre-date email correspondence (bargaining, explicit questions, and more). I told him, politely as possible, that I didn't think it would work out, and then things just got odder, culminating in an uncomfortably long email from him that ended with "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself." Way too much emotional nonsense for someone I had never met. I can only imagine how much drama takes place in his civilian dating life. Originally Posted by Natalie

I don't like drama either. And I'm also not a rules and procedures kind of guy. (That's one of the reasons why I work for myself.) I'm just not wired that way. But, when it comes to asking to see a lady in this realm, I generally am a good sport and give whatever information is requested -- unless it crosses my boundaries - in which case I decline the date.

A number of years ago, I was heading to the left coast and wanted to see this lovely lady that used to post occasionally on the old HDH board. She requested a number of items which I dutifully provided. Then she started waffling on her availability (the requested time was in our first email). Normally, I'd walk away as most of the ladies here have suggested. Life is too short to start fights over this stuff. But for some reason, i got pissed off and fired off an email telling her I thought it was rude to "make me jump through all of these hoops like a trained monkey" and then not see me. If she wasn't available, she should have said so up front. Somehow as a result of that email, we connected and she agreed to see me. She also brought me a banana on the date.

Sorry, Marshall, but I am going to have to disagree with you about one thing. In my experience (though I understand that this may not be representative of the norm), giving a reason for not desiring a meeting with a gentleman leads to less abuse. If I tell a gentleman that we will not be meeting because I find his posts abhorrent, then he will either curse out in one message and be done with me or politely accept my decision and tell me to let him know if I reconsider. If I do not tell a gentleman why I will not accept him, I will be bothered by "Why?" messages for days or weeks until he then decides to curse me out and maybe be done with me if he feels like it. People feel like they have a right to know these things, and to an extent, they are right. Originally Posted by China Doll

What about that call and message blocking technology you mentioned before? Doesn't that prevent you from further abuse and wasting of your time? How much abuse is suffered and time wasted if calls and messages are deleted without being read or listened to? Your disagreement with me contradicts your previous comment.

It's been my experience in life that another can insult, abuse, harass and waste my time ONLY if I let him.

My opinion that giving no explanation for a denial is preferable presupposes that someone deletes calls and emails without reading/listening to them. If you declined to see someone, why would you listen to their messages and read their emails? [especially if they were declined for uncouthed behavior]

Perhaps there is only one reason for listening to messages and reading emails from a potential client a lady declined. That reason would be that she was insulted and hurt and wanted to insult and hurt right back. We all have our opinions on that.

She also brought me a banana on the date. Originally Posted by pjorourke

I'm confused....Weren't you suppose to bring her the banana on the date?

This one was yellow.

PJ, he needs to read the story with understanding.

It's been my experience in life that another can insult, abuse, harass and waste my time ONLY if I let him.
Originally Posted by Marshall

Hi Marshall,

I think this is oversimplyfying complex matters. Sometimes, even if you don`t let them, people can be a PIA. For example - some providers are not very open about being providers - and even me, who is, does not need the whole world to know for various reasons.

So my question according to your statement: What if people stalk you, harrass you , threaten to tell your parents/relatives and so on....?
I think we live in sociological conditions that favour people outside of this business, it`S called Heteronormativity. So, when someone lives in this business stigmatizing can happen and happens when information goes out to wrong people.

So - your statement might be right if you are a political activist and have a lobby that supports you , but what about these who don`t or aren`t?
Given the social conditions of this line of work its fairly easy to harrass people - even when they don`t let you.

What i want to say is that the means to defend yourself are not the same standards as "the ordinary folks" and not as good as when you are a full member of society and not a "second class citizen" (this means by legal, social, psychological standards) . So you don`t have the same rights as everyone else. That is a fact.

Hi Marshall,

I think this is oversimplyfying complex matters. Sometimes, even if you don`t let them, people can be a PIA. For example - some providers are not very open about being providers - and even me, who is, does not need the whole world to know for various reasons.

So my question according to your statement: What if people stalk you, harrass you , threaten to tell your parents/relatives and so on....?
I think we live in sociological conditions that favour people outside of this business, it`S called Heteronormativity. So, when someone lives in this business stigmatizing can happen and happens when information goes out to wrong people.

So - your statement might be right if you are a political activist and have a lobby that supports you , but what about these who don`t or aren`t?
Given the social conditions of this line of work its fairly easy to harrass people - even when they don`t let you.

What i want to say is that the means to defend yourself are not the same standards as "the ordinary folks" and not as good as when you are a full member of society and not a "second class citizen" (this means by legal, social, psychological standards) . So you don`t have the same rights as everyone else. That is a fact. Originally Posted by ninasastri

Hi Nina.......

I think my comment is valid even under the more dire circumstances you cite. I say this because when people participate in this activity, from your end or mine[no pun intended], you know it is an illegal activity....one assesses the risk and decides whether to participate or not....one has control over their participation so one has the ability to prevent harassment or worse......I have a problem with people who engage in risky behavior and cry when the risk cuts against them.....I assessed the risk, take my chances and am willing to live with the consequences.......life is not perfect, it's OK to wish it was but not OK to expect it to be perfect and trouble free......how can their be pleasure without pain? Joy without despair? Success without failure?

PS: without Heteronormativity humanity would be extinct.....don't hate on it

Hi Marshall,

I think this is oversimplyfying complex matters. Sometimes, even if you don`t let them, people can be a PIA. For example - some providers are not very open about being providers - and even me, who is, does not need the whole world to know for various reasons.

So my question according to your statement: What if people stalk you, harrass you , threaten to tell your parents/relatives and so on....?
I think we live in sociological conditions that favour people outside of this business, it`S called Heteronormativity. So, when someone lives in this business stigmatizing can happen and happens when information goes out to wrong people.

So - your statement might be right if you are a political activist and have a lobby that supports you , but what about these who don`t or aren`t?
Given the social conditions of this line of work its fairly easy to harrass people - even when they don`t let you.

What i want to say is that the means to defend yourself are not the same standards as "the ordinary folks" and not as good as when you are a full member of society and not a "second class citizen" (this means by legal, social, psychological standards) . So you don`t have the same rights as everyone else. That is a fact. Originally Posted by ninasastri

Nina....a book recommendation for you.....How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World by Harry Brown,,,,,short book....maybe 2 hour read

Hi Nina.......

I think my comment is valid even under the more dire circumstances you cite. I say this because when people participate in this activity, from your end or mine[no pun intended], you know it is an illegal activity....one assesses the risk and decides whether to participate or not....one has control over their participation so one has the ability to prevent harassment or worse......I have a problem with people who engage in risky behavior and cry when the risk cuts against them.....I assessed the risk, take my chances and am willing to live with the consequences.......life is not perfect, it's OK to wish it was but not OK to expect it to be perfect and trouble free......how can their be pleasure without pain? Joy without despair? Success without failure?

PS: without Heteronormativity humanity would be extinct.....don't hate on it Originally Posted by Marshall

Ok, given that point of view i have to agree with you. If you decide to be a hypocrite and can`t have your parents know..Problem... But on the other hand, it still does not give people the right to extort others for that reason. It`s an ethic response.

OTOH if this business was not so stigmatized and more people would be political activists then it would probably be ok to tell parents as well?

Heteronormativity is not only about being heterosexuals. I agree with you that human beings would be extinct, but you could argument that without homosexuals or other sexual styles there would be overpolpulation :-) . So biologically speaking it evens out.

Nina....a book recommendation for you.....How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World by Harry Brown,,,,,short book....maybe 2 hour read Originally Posted by Marshall

merci....

What about that call and message blocking technology you mentioned before? Doesn't that prevent you from further abuse and wasting of your time? How much abuse is suffered and time wasted if calls and messages are deleted without being read or listened to? Your disagreement with me contradicts your previous comment.

It's been my experience in life that another can insult, abuse, harass and waste my time ONLY if I let him.

My opinion that giving no explanation for a denial is preferable presupposes that someone deletes calls and emails without reading/listening to them. If you declined to see someone, why would you listen to their messages and read their emails? [especially if they were declined for uncouthed behavior]

Perhaps there is only one reason for listening to messages and reading emails from a potential client a lady declined. That reason would be that she was insulted and hurt and wanted to insult and hurt right back. We all have our opinions on that. Originally Posted by Marshall

I apologize for this, but I am not about to provide people on a public forum with ideas on how to find a way around my usual methods of ceasing communication. That would be pretty damn stupid of me.

Ok, given that point of view i have to agree with you. If you decide to be a hypocrite and can`t have your parents know..Problem... But on the other hand, it still does not give people the right to extort others for that reason. It`s an ethic response.

OTOH if this business was not so stigmatized and more people would be political activists then it would probably be ok to tell parents as well?

Generally , people can be extorted for various reasons, and the crime itself is worse than what the extorted person did. At least in the USA, that is.

Heteronormativity is not only about being heterosexuals. I agree with you that human beings would be extinct, but you could argument that without homosexuals or other sexual styles there would be overpolpulation :-) . So biologically speaking it evens out. Originally Posted by ninasastri

You have to work with the world you're born into, but the world you want to be in......be an activist? change it? Spitting in the wind? Society has very practical reasons for condemning the sex trade....we are the minority and you have to respect the rights of the majority.....

hypocrisy and lying are excessively condemned.....they are useful to humanity for numerous reasons.....your disdain is too black and white

I have not come across an explanation for the existence of homosexuality that makes complete sense to me....

I apologize for this, but I am not about to provide people on a public forum with ideas on how to find a way around my usual methods of ceasing communication. That would be pretty damn stupid of me. Originally Posted by China Doll

Exactly why I didn't answer the OP's question.

I apologize for this, but I am not about to provide people on a public forum with ideas on how to find a way around my usual methods of ceasing communication. That would be pretty damn stupid of me. Originally Posted by China Doll

I reviewed my post and don't see how you could interpret it to mean I was asking.