Short Stories: sessions that have gone crazy...

This thread has given me many laugh out loud moments Best ending line yet:
LOL!! Originally Posted by RideFreeInTexas

"Found someone else to cut my hair" - that's a hard line to beat, it went from good to great with that line.

After BCD and we are laying there talking, he dies in mid sentence. He was DOA so there was nothing they could do for him. It took 5 and half hours for the city to remove him from my apartment.
NOT fun.

I can't think of a wilder story to tell after that.

True story.

The end Originally Posted by Kayleehotchick

Wow. I've said if that's how I die please tell my friends but can't imagine what that has to be like. Thinking the family had some questions too - awkward.

She showed up at my high-rise acting like she'd been at more than one Happy Hour. I tried to cancel the session and she started to throw a fi, threatening to make a loud scene and not leave until I paid her "something" for her time & trouble. I was ready to offer her "something" but she started getting ready to puke and barely made it to the guest bathroom. I found her barely conscious with her face suspended over the puke-filled toiled bowl. I flushed out her Happy Hours, wiped her face off and called a buddy in the building. We leaned her up against a wall at the nearby Fire Department. I shoved a $20 in her bra. The building had her car towed away. Originally Posted by txcwby6

"Found someone else to cut my hair" or "The building had her car towed away" (while she's propped up against a building with $20 in her bra - hard to say which is better.

All these stories have been hilarious.. Except kaylee's.. It's probably more traumatizing than funny even by now but it definitely is one of the wildest experiences I have heard of. Keep em coming.. This thread is a riot.

Ahh, I am going to share my story...reluctantly. It's probably just a matter of time before my tale of tail and cocktails is shared by loose lips anyway. Probably best I get my side of the story out there early. (SIGH) Here goes...

I set up an appointment with a young lady I've seen many times before. I'm comfortable enough with her - and I believe that she is...was...comfortable enough with me - that I could make requests for role playing activities. As I suspected, she was more than willing to indulge my requests.

Now, please don't judge, or, if you do, please do it privately. I had always wanted for my partner and me to dress in brightly colored Morph Suits with strategically placed holes for all of the male 'outies' and female 'innies.' She laughed when I suggested it, but eventually admitted that the whole idea could be erotic if we stayed in character.

I purchased two "one-size-fits-all" Morph Suits and proceeded to my little lady's love nest. Once there, we shared several drinks and chose our costumes. She liked the red one. I would be in black. We retired to separate room so that we may each 'get into character' for playtime.

(This part takes place with me...alone...in the bathroom)
As I open the package, I notice that the Morph Suit was indeed a "one-size-fits-all", provided that you are a 60-90# youth. I'm not. But, like any horny hobbyist with six bottles of Heineken in his belly, I tried to wedge my fat ass into the suit.

Now, I got the damn suit 'on' but I'm using the word 'on' very loosely here. The youth-sized Morph Suit stretched across my legs, ass, and stomach, but it had struggled to contain the full mass that has become Say What. The suit was stretched so thin that it was thread-bare, virtually see-through. In fact, it looked more like a fishnet body sock than a Morph Suit by the time I exited my changing room.

(Now I'm back in the bedroom waiting on my playmate)
As she turned the corner, her ample breasts and athletic lower body were a sight to see in the smooth red suit. Her breasts had been pulled from the suit via the aforementioned strategically placed holes. Her mouth, kitty, and starfish were easily accessible as well. She looked magnificent.

At some point she managed to get a glimpse of the thread-bare monstrosity that adorned my body. My twig and berries were at risk of strangulation by the high-tension-strings of thread that looked as if they were ready to snap the next time I drew a breath. I'm sure that, to the average lay-person, my costume appeared to be covered in breakfast biscuits. But, unfortunately, that was not the case. The Goddam thing was so tight that my skin had begun to run toward the light. It wanted out of the suit. And, at this point, so did I.

My lady friend tried, with all that was Holy, to contain her laughter. But, alas, she could resist no longer. She let out a screech of laughter and a river of tears as she rolled around on the bed saying things like, "Oh my God are you okay? Wait! Let me get some butter! Bwahahahahahahaha! Holy shit that looks tight!"

"Yes, dear. It's fucking tight. Now, if you don't mind, please help me get my dick and balls out of this thing safely." I begged her to help.

Finally, with the assistance of a pair of scissors and a heaping plate of humble pie, I was free. Albeit with what looked like grill marks all over my body. I was no longer in the mood to play. I really just wanted a hug and help applying Aspercreme to my ligature marks. How the fuck am I gonna explain this to my wife? "Um, honey...don't be alarmed, but I was swept out to sea where I became entangled in a fishing net." Sometimes the truth is the only story that works.

Takeaway

Read the label. Size matters...especially when you're talking about one-size-fits-all Morph Suits! What the fuck ever!

Had an UTR type provider act incredulous at the fact that I wanted to leave her incall upon noticing she had a toddler in a playpen in her room. When I balked she said, "That's okay, I'll go wake my son up so he can watch the baby." I'm like, "That isn't really making it better!" She responded with, he's 17 and knows what's going on!" Needless to say, I didn't stick around.

Ahh, I am going to share my story...reluctantly. It's probably just a matter of time before my tale of tail and cocktails is shared by loose lips anyway. Probably best I get my side of the story out there early. (SIGH) Here goes...

I set up an appointment with a young lady I've seen many times before. I'm comfortable enough with her - and I believe that she is...was...comfortable enough with me - that I could make requests for role playing activities. As I suspected, she was more than willing to indulge my requests.

Now, please don't judge, or, if you do, please do it privately. I had always wanted for my partner and me to dress in brightly colored Morph Suits with strategically placed holes for all of the male 'outies' and female 'innies.' She laughed when I suggested it, but eventually admitted that the whole idea could be erotic if we stayed in character.

I purchased two "one-size-fits-all" Morph Suits and proceeded to my little lady's love nest. Once there, we shared several drinks and chose our costumes. She liked the red one. I would be in black. We retired to separate room so that we may each 'get into character' for playtime.

(This part takes place with me...alone...in the bathroom)
As I open the package, I notice that the Morph Suit was indeed a "one-size-fits-all", provided that you are a 60-90# youth. I'm not. But, like any horny hobbyist with six bottles of Heineken in his belly, I tried to wedge my fat ass into the suit.

Now, I got the damn suit 'on' but I'm using the word 'on' very loosely here. The youth-sized Morph Suit stretched across my legs, ass, and stomach, but it had struggled to contain the full mass that has become Say What. The suit was stretched so thin that it was thread-bare, virtually see-through. In fact, it looked more like a fishnet body sock than a Morph Suit by the time I exited my changing room.

(Now I'm back in the bedroom waiting on my playmate)
As she turned the corner, her ample breasts and athletic lower body were a sight to see in the smooth red suit. Her breasts had been pulled from the suit via the aforementioned strategically placed holes. Her mouth, kitty, and starfish were easily accessible as well. She looked magnificent.

At some point she managed to get a glimpse of the thread-bare monstrosity that adorned my body. My twig and berries were at risk of strangulation by the high-tension-strings of thread that looked as if they were ready to snap the next time I drew a breath. I'm sure that, to the average lay-person, my costume appeared to be covered in breakfast biscuits. But, unfortunately, that was not the case. The Goddam thing was so tight that my skin had begun to run toward the light. It wanted out of the suit. And, at this point, so did I.

My lady friend tried, with all that was Holy, to contain her laughter. But, alas, she could resist no longer. She let out a screech of laughter and a river of tears as she rolled around on the bed saying things like, "Oh my God are you okay? Wait! Let me get some butter! Bwahahahahahahaha! Holy shit that looks tight!"

"Yes, dear. It's fucking tight. Now, if you don't mind, please help me get my dick and balls out of this thing safely." I begged her to help.

Finally, with the assistance of a pair of scissors and a heaping plate of humble pie, I was free. Albeit with what looked like grill marks all over my body. I was no longer in the mood to play. I really just wanted a hug and help applying Aspercreme to my ligature marks. How the fuck am I gonna explain this to my wife? "Um, honey...don't be alarmed, but I was swept out to sea where I became entangled in a fishing net." Sometimes the truth is the only story that works.

Takeaway

Read the label. Size matters...especially when you're talking about one-size-fits-all Morph Suits! What the fuck ever! Originally Posted by Say What

Originally Posted by FunInDFW

Perfect reply. Kudos for sharing Say What and guarantee that's not even close to the funniest thing most of these ladies have seen

After BCD and we are laying there talking, he dies in mid sentence. He was DOA so there was nothing they could do for him. It took 5 and half hours for the city to remove him from my apartment. Originally Posted by Kayleehotchick

And here we are trading emails about getting together, go easy on me baby! Now I understand why you requested that I email you an EKG scan Seriously though, that sounds awful! I hope it wasn't too traumatizing for you, I can't imagine what a shock that must have been!

And for the record people, she didn't request an EKG

keep em coming, I can't stop laughing.... my last one,

Penis pump fiasco....

Went to see a provider I am friends with, she tells me she bought a new, expensive penis pump and wants to "practice" with it. I agree, I've never done it before.

She opens it up, unwraps it and is ready to start. You know how it is about reading those instruction sheets....totally unneeded piece of paper.

We both get undressed and she's so excited about her new toy. We put it on and she starts pumping away.....

me: "oh, this feels pretty good....."
her: "wow, this is worth every penny, much better than the cheapo one I had before.."
me: "yeah, ok, but slow down a little..."
her: "you're getting huge.."
me: "it's starting to hurt, stop...."
her: "you'll get used to it...." <as she's pumping away>
me: "STOP!"
her: "ok, are you alright?"
me: "no, let some pressure out, it's turning blue!"
her: "I'm trying but this little knob isn't working.."
me: "shit, let me try...." <the knob breaks off>
her: "you broke my pump!"
me: "you're breaking my dick! I have to get this off NOW!"
her: "you owe me a new pump!"
me: "fine, just get it off."
her: "I can't, maybe if we cut the hose.." <she cuts the hose nothing happens>
me: "ok, I'm dying here, my dick's stuck and it hurts"
her: "should I call 911?"
me: "WTF! yeah that would be a GREAT idea"
her: "do you want a Tylenol?"
me: "STFU. maybe we can crack it open to release the pressure"
her: "good idea since you already broke it." <she grabs a butter knife and starts banging on it>
me: "whoa! this could be real bad if it shatters, STOP!"
me: "where's the fuck'n instructions?!" <she runs and grabs them>
me: "it says there's a button under this rubber cap, push it..." <she pushes it and there's a big *wooosh* as the pressure releases.>

we finally slide it off, willy is still blue...

me: "that's it, I'm done for today, maybe for this week, month, I'm going home, thanks, that was fun"
her: "when are you getting me a new pump?"

SMDH and leave.....

After BCD and we are laying there talking, he dies in mid sentence. He was DOA so there was nothing they could do for him. It took 5 and half hours for the city to remove him from my apartment.

NOT fun.

I can't think of a wilder story to tell after that.

True story.

The end Originally Posted by Kayleehotchick

This is really not the kind of story telling thread that you want to "win", but Kaylee, I don't know how anyone will top that. You have my congratulations and condolences.

If we're voting Penis Pump wins so far - picturing you thinking you're going to lose your dick and she's concerned about HER penis pump! That's funny!

Went to see a provider I am friends with, she tells me she bought a new, expensive penis pump and wants to "practice" with it. I agree, I've never done it before.
Originally Posted by Jarvis

It was hers.....

I had a regular provider I saw in another town that I went to often on business with her always coming to my hotel. Usually we would have dinner then some dessert and she would leave. This one time (not at band camp) we went to dinner and I noticed she didn't seem quite right. Not intoxicated but just a little off. We get back to my hotel and she climbs into bed under the covers which is unusual. She mentions something about her toy and pulls out a vibrator and asks me to pleasure her with it. About one minute later she's fast asleep!

I wait awhile and start fondling her some to see if she's coming around and she pulls me on top and we go at it. After I finish she goes back to sleep. So far probably not the most unusual story you've ever heard, right? But all through the night she kept waking up and wanting to go again. I figured out if I didn't finish I could go as many times as she wanted. That and a little blue pill for assistance.

I had a light day scheduled so I was able to "sleep" in with her until about nine the next morning. I lost count but our MSOG total had to be up to 8 or 10 by morning. The cycle just kept repeating itself.

I manage to send her on her way and about two that afternoon I get a call from her apologizing for last night (apologizing?) and she says she was so out of it she doesn't remember if we did it or not. When she asks if we did I said "Sort of but you were pretty sleepy" That evening she knocks on my door wanting to "make it up to me" which she did!

The next time I saw her I told her what happened and she just laughed saying she didn't remember any of it at all. She was pretty cool and I still see her every time I'm in town!

Had an UTR type provider act incredulous at the fact that I wanted to leave her incall upon noticing she had a toddler in a playpen in her room. When I balked she said, "That's okay, I'll go wake my son up so he can watch the baby." I'm like, "That isn't really making it better!" She responded with, he's 17 and knows what's going on!" Needless to say, I didn't stick around. Originally Posted by Dilbertgolf

lol thats funny!!

I had a 68 year old client who was a bacheoler his entire life and lived with his mom till she died two years before......when I went to his house,I found out it was his moms house.....but the kicker was when I was sitting on his face and I was cumming,I started shaking the headboard when it broke and fell down between mattress & wall....I fell over against the wall and bumped my head! He said oh thats ok,it was my moms bed! UGGGHHHHHH YUKKKY!!!
{then to top it off,he expected me to use the toilet where he had a handicapped potty chair on it= that had been his moms!Double Yukkk!!

After BCD and we are laying there talking, he dies in mid sentence. He was DOA so there was nothing they could do for him. It took 5 and half hours for the city to remove him from my apartment.

NOT fun.

I can't think of a wilder story to tell after that.

True story.

The end Originally Posted by Kayleehotchick

Why didn't you just drag him out to the curb? Sort of make it easy for the city/ME to pick him up.


All of these stories remind me why I only carry donation and car keys into appointments and have always had back up clothing in my car since I was a sophomore in high school.

I was seeing someone in Vegas and I was wearing new shoes. It was at the Palms. I'm walking to meet him at the elevator (key entry) and I ATE IT! My glasses went flying across the floor... Nice guy walks over, "are you ok?" I was so embarrassed..

Yup, it was my date.

Turned out he was a doctor. This I already knew, but he worked with broken bones!

I didn't break anything, but I had a huuuuuuge welt on my wrist. I still did the date. He made me an ice packet to go.

I didn't just fall, I ate it.