Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

Admit nothing. Every. No good will come of it. Even if she's initially OK with it, if shit hits the fan, you can bet it will be used against you.

Believe it or not I HATE divorces and try to get people to see marriage counselors.

Confession is not even good for the soul - don't do it. NEVER EVER NEVER EVER. Even if you are caught, get dressed, don't say a word and pretend it was your evil twin.

IMHO, if you are looking for intimacy, then 1-2-3 hour sessions are worse than a one-night stand....they leave you more empty than before you started - MOST of the time. The Hobby is good for one thing for guys - and romance/intimacy/true affection/ is NOT it. If you look for that in the Hobby you will be sorely disappointed.

People either grow together or they grow apart...there isn't much in between.

So, like most said, unless you are REALLY financially set, picture living on about 60% of what you do now and only seeing your kids 4-6 days a month with a few extra evenings thrown in there.

So THE Magic answer.....(Drum Roll)......

There isn't any.

Go see a counselor BY YOURSELF; if the counselor gives you advice you like - take it.
If not, find another counselor.

As far as stealing MORE money from the community and ratting it away somewhere so she doesn't find it.....Unless you are incredibly good (and I haven't found many that are) Someone like me is going to find it - then the shit will REALLY hit the fan. Because at some point in the divorce process you are going to file a SWORN inventory.....gulp PERJURY....

And as far as giving it to Friends/family, etc....remember the ol' phrase - a secret is only a secret between 2 people, if one of then is dead.

BUT I do agree you should have THAT serious talk with your wife....TELL her what you want, need etc... what is the worst that can happen? She is cut you off......
oooops too late!

Good luck in which ever path you choose.

Don't out yourself, protect yourself, your 401k. If you have to leave, cut yours ties clean and go on with your life. Staighten out your personal life. Seek counseling, get help, you can always hobby later. Good luck to you...

I really appreciate the thoughtful responses to my initial post. I've been reading the responses and considering all options. There is real experience and wisdom on these boards. Thanks very much, everyone.

Believe it or not I HATE divorces and try to get people to see marriage counselors.

Confession is not even good for the soul - don't do it. NEVER EVER NEVER EVER. Even if you are caught, get dressed, don't say a word and pretend it was your evil twin.

IMHO, if you are looking for intimacy, then 1-2-3 hour sessions are worse than a one-night stand....they leave you more empty than before you started - MOST of the time. The Hobby is good for one thing for guys - and romance/intimacy/true affection/ is NOT it. If you look for that in the Hobby you will be sorely disappointed.

People either grow together or they grow apart...there isn't much in between.

So, like most said, unless you are REALLY financially set, picture living on about 60% of what you do now and only seeing your kids 4-6 days a month with a few extra evenings thrown in there.

So THE Magic answer.....(Drum Roll)......

There isn't any.

Go see a counselor BY YOURSELF; if the counselor gives you advice you like - take it.
If not, find another counselor.

As far as stealing MORE money from the community and ratting it away somewhere so she doesn't find it.....Unless you are incredibly good (and I haven't found many that are) Someone like me is going to find it - then the shit will REALLY hit the fan. Because at some point in the divorce process you are going to file a SWORN inventory.....gulp PERJURY....

And as far as giving it to Friends/family, etc....remember the ol' phrase - a secret is only a secret between 2 people, if one of then is dead.

BUT I do agree you should have THAT serious talk with your wife....TELL her what you want, need etc... what is the worst that can happen? She is cut you off......
oooops too late!

Good luck in which ever path you choose. Originally Posted by CivilBarrister

CB please correct me if my numbers are off.

Simple divorce with children-$5k
Complicated divorce with children-$50K or more

Simple visitation-10 to 14 days a month
Complicated visitation-4 hours supervised per month or less

There is alot of room in between the 2 extremes. Most depends on how much you and your wife want to FIGHT. Only one group wins that - the attorneys.

YOU NEVER TELL HER.

G

There is alot of room in between the 2 extremes. Most depends on how much you and your wife want to FIGHT. Only one group wins that - the attorneys. Originally Posted by Geritol

I don't know of a single divorce attorney who would object to his client spending 400-500 per hour to fight over pot plants and plastic lawn chairs.

I don't know of a single divorce attorney who would object to his client spending 400-500 per hour to fight over pot plants and plastic lawn chairs. Originally Posted by Mr Clever

I know a couple that are spending a fortune on divorce... they are fighting over who takes the kids... "Ok... but you have take the kids.." "No...YOU take the kids."

Thanks for treating us like gentlemen. As some exit the hobby, they feel the need to judge or point out the negatives... (we're all adults) I really wish you the best SK, While you may not hobby, know you have pals here for you. We just want you to take care of yourself as you work things out. We have an abundance of legal pros here. Either way, protect yourself buddy.

Very best regards,
pyro

I am currently in the same boat and in the process of getting a divorce only I don't have kids, thank god.

Is your wife on any kind of medication such as antidepressants?

They can totally destroy a woman libido

Again, thanks so much for the helpful and considerate responses. Now for some additional info and answers to some of the questions posed above:

Counseling/Medical Care/Therapy: Been there done that. I am on anti-depressant now. No willingness on her part to attend or participate. I've been to sessions of and on. Actually working out at the gym provides a lot of benefits physically and emotionally. She is on anti-depressants also. This makes for a very comfortable and calm home life. I don't think it has impacted her libido, since she had none before she started taking the stuff...lol...

Wife Age/Hormones/Other Issues: She's in her 40's (like me). Messed up hormones and infertility have been suffered through... Iaitliein makes great points. She's on some medicines that are supposed to work. Not sure if this has been as complete as it should.

Why No Sex?: She says that she does not have a feeling of being safe and secure with me. We've discussed this extensively and it relates to my more outgoing and assertive personality. She's a big introvert I'm an extrovert. I'm from a very boisterous family life and she had more of a speak when spoken to upbringing...

Tough Talk/Divorce Mentioned: Yes we've even discussed this. We both feel that most married folks at least think about it seriously at one time or another. Most marriages are hard.

Keep The Hobby A Secret: I totally agree with the advice to keep this a private matter. All of the advice on this makes a lot of sense.

Sexless Marriage with Hobbying Fun: Before my "crisis" post, I had resolved to be happy by loving my wife and kids and fucking providers. I think (at the moment) that's likely the direction I will choose. bigbadbill969 probably has it right.

Stay or Leave for Kids: I believe that if I'm happy/content to love my work, love my "real" hobbies, love my wife, love my kids, invest time with them and have fun on the side, the kids will be okay. While my wife and I have no intimacy between each other, there is plenty of that with the kids (hugs, kisses, wrestling, etc.). I'd say my younger daughter is a big hugger and my older one is less so. But then, my family (parents, sister) are all big huggers and kissers. My wife's family barely shakes hands...lol... That Man From Texas's post is on the money.. Great post.

Nothing like some sleep and a new day to put things into perspective. Again, thanks for the input....

I am currently in the same boat and in the process of getting a divorce only I don't have kids, thank god.

Is your wife on any kind of medication such as antidepressants?

They can totally destroy a woman libido Originally Posted by TheDaliLama

Most Women lose their libido within a year after they say "I DO"

It is not too complicated.

Find something in your family life that you provide, that she likes or takes for granted.

Cut it off...........when she says something about it........apologize and give it to her.........as you do it for her, ask for a hug in return(nothing more).

It all starts with a beginning.

No kissing and no sex from her... May be she is protecting you... She does not want to pass something to you? Originally Posted by Dad

the alternate is that she knows what you do and staying together because of the kids. She could have a file on you that when the kids reach majority she will go to court over.

that being said I do not think you get anything for announcing your hobby or even having an affair,


Going to a therapist maybe a good start, but if either one of you is not full in on the deal you will find out pretty quick.

My personal observation, is that a provider is not a substitue for a wife/GFE and I think they would back that up.